Another ditzy internet article caught my attention like a lighter flicked in the corner of the eye of an ADD-Addled teen whose meds are starting to wear off.  (I know this.  Two of my three sons tormented the other with this process and he could not look away, like the elderly couple in love with the Kramer painting on a Seinfeld  episode likely rerunning right at this moment in 13 languages on 96 cable channels.)

This one listed Dr. Phil's discussion about the top four lies men tell and the top four lies women tell.  The top one for each happens to be the same.  In descending order these are:

Women # 4: I’ve Got a Headache

I mean, really. How droll is this?  Who falls for that these days?  It is probably better than a snide snort and “You’re joking, right?”,  but this seems like such a cliché.  I mean, Henny Youngman dropped the joke in the 50s, didn't he?

I mean, whether true or not, ladies, you KNOW men are going to pout about it.  Why not at least try some stand up?

Consider: “I’m packing a Ginsu Knife, and channeling my inner Lorena Bobbitt.” Or

“I don’t think you’d be really excited about this unless you are into necrophilia and want to head out to 7/11 for some ice, but I’m game.’

Or maybe just, “I’m not in the mood, but when I am, I promise you will be the first to know” with a quick kiss before turning on the neon “Closed” sign.

Men # 4: Hey, I’m On the Way. (When he has not left yet.)

Well can I rationalize this one.  Men like to drive faster than the speed limit.  I am sure many men’s big brains, after seeking sage advise from their right hand man, the little brain, to whom they do not wish to administer with their right hand, they rationalize quite convincingly to themselves that saying they are on their way can still fly because, well, they WILL fly once they get on the road.

Rather than 10 over the speed limit, they will go 15 over the speed limit.

Never got this one.  Probably comes from project management/client management experience.  You got one shot at setting the new expectation.  Can’t reset your delivery/arrival time more than once without consequences.  Would the little brain would get this.

Women # 3  Oh This Was Cheap!  I Got It On Sale

This is another trite one, it seems.  In business the joke is that while you may lose so much money per unit of product, you hope to “make it up on volume.”  In a relationship it is likely around the amount spent, given sex and money are so typically pain points and triggers. 

It is counterintuitive to suggest “saving” money when “spending” money.

Or maybe it is to deny the notion of vanity, when what the motivation might have been was simply, “Wow, my [attribute] looks great in this, I have to have it.”

Then lie you bought it to show off said attribute to him.  Why not just say,  "I bought it because it makes my attribute look good,"  and  I like that."  Or "I bought it because it makes my attribute look good, and I know you are such an attribute man.  That will really make his day to think it was about him or for him.  Both genders like that.

Men # 3  No, That Doesn’t Make You Look Fat

Is this really asked?  Wouldn’t it be easier, men, to growl/purr and hug the lady while complimenting what you like regardless of what clothing adorns the area? Go for the pre-emptive expression rather than forcing the need to ask for reassurance?   And really, no jokes about “more of you to love.”  Nobody’s buying that one.

Women #2  Oh This Isn’t New; I’ve Had This Old Thing Forever

Again perhaps to a need to show frugality over vanity?  Who cares.  It would seem a reasonable reply would be to suggest they hang onto those old clothes as they look great in them and their bodies have obviously not changed.   Perhaps a line about timeless classics would be in order.

Men #2  This is My Last Drink

Oh can this one can have different meanings.  Is it the simple innocent one as a party is winding down as one person wants to leave and the other doesn’t?  Is it the knowing interchange between the spouse and a heavy drinker?  Or the tragic ending, or beginning of the ending when a troubled drinker has figured out the significant other wants them to put the bottle down and they better tell them what they want to hear? 

Is it the beginning of the movie classic Days of Wine and Roses, or the tragic middle of it?

Men and Women #1 I’m Fine, There’s Nothing Wrong

Well no surprise there, is there?  We all have issues with being truthful about our feelings.  Sometimes in an effort to shield others from a burden, sometimes to protect ourselves from attack from being invalidated for being troubled by something.  Sometimes simply lying to ourselves because we can't look at it, either.  

The delicate balance of knowing what to share and when, but certainly a damaging response to open and honest communication.  Our universal reluctance to share what’s on our mind for all sorts of reasons, both good and bad.

Conclusion

So women lie about feelings, clothing, expenses and sexual interest, and Men lie about feelings, alcohol intake, their opinion of their significant other’s appearance and their whereabouts.

All those issues seemingly at the core of healthy relationships.  Open communication hindered by our fears masked with lies.

And Dr. Phil makes big bucks for these vague looks at the obvious.

Is this a great country or what?