Sometimes I am amazed at what life brings. The other morning I realized that sleeping with my client’s dog is preferable to sleeping with certain men, most recently that last one. Although he warned me that he snores rather “softly,” as soon as his head hit the pillow, a constant moaning/rattling/sawing “song” lasted the whole night long. Maya (my client’s black Lab-doodle) doesn’t even snore half as much. She goes through periods of snoring, which are thankfully short and sweet, and then she is quiet most of the night. Maya resettles herself close to me, her head near my head, in fact, her head on one of the two pillows. Perhaps she sees me as her lover.

This guy, on the other hand, chose to sleep so far away, I forget he was there and thought I was sleeping alone. (Which I would rather do if that’s the case; it’s similar to being with someone boring rather than spending time alone—I’d much rather spend the time with myself, who I know I really enjoy).

The other day I attended a wedding, during the day. The date was rather magical, as it was: 9.9.09, which when added up equals 27, which equals 9. The number 9 represents wholeness and completeness; I thought that maybe I might meet the guy of my dreams, so I was verrry excited about attending. The men who were there (and I wasn’t the only single woman, there were several others) buzzed around me like mosquitoes; in fact, when I related the story of dragonflies coming into my life lately, this one guy asked me if I am “in love.” When I told him I was hoping to reach that state of desire while at the wedding, he asserted his interest in me (told me I am “cute,” a word that makes me want to run in the other direction) and followed me around the rest of the afternoon, like, you know—a clingy puppy dog.

Another guy, one I have recently begun dating, was busy picking up his instruments, speakers and musical apparatus before the reception and I waited for him—it eased my mind that I would be hanging out with one guy, instead of several and I helped him with his stuff. He thanked me and we sat together after going through the buffet table. However he also “disappeared” several times and it made me wonder what the heck I was doing with him at all. 

Dragonflies, I am told, represent breaking through illusions and it just happened that two dragonflies were on the park path I was walking on, just the other day. I thought they were fighting—one of them had its tail bent straight up, as the letter “l;” suddenly one flew away, while the other sat on the ground, dazed—then I realized that of course they were mating (don’t most males become “dazed” after lovemaking?). The day before I discovered an absolutely huge dragonfly in the passenger seat of my car, that must have dropped in from my open sunroof. I placed it underneath our backyard bench to protect it and it stayed alive awhile longer, then it died. It was the most perfectly formed specimen I had ever seen—just gorgeous. The day of the wedding a dragonfly came to my bathroom window to deliver a message (what, I’m still unsure of); I thought it was dead and gently placed it on my sink counter. I walked away for a while and when I returned, the dragonfly was flying around the room. It landed on my upper windowsill, where it breathed its last breath, days later.

So what are the illusions that are in my life? What are the stories that I am making up, that are almost conjured against my will? On my walk to the park, a carved word in the sidewalk catches my attention: illusion...as clear as life, again.

Is it an illusion that I want a man in my life so badly that I am willing to settle for snorers (one meaning for this word in Yiddish means professional mooch)? One would hope so. Because when it comes down to it, Maya is more preferable. So perhaps men are the illusion in my tiny warped mind. Where does that leave me? Loving men as I do, wanting that ushi-squishi-sweetness hard up against my curved, desiring flesh. Is all that a figment of my imagination? Can I have those same bodily sensations and emotional feelings completely on my own? And is that what we are all seeking, satisfying sex and nurturing with “the one”? I digress. Maybe this entire essay is an illusion...

 Who could resist these faces???