Welcome to Rather Abbreviated History 101 with Professor Jeff Probst. Here we are in the South Pacific, where clouds are orange and shit went down in World War II. And speaking of shit going down, two helicopters carry the teams down to the island while the contestants give us their opening statements.

Rupert begins with, "In my world, I've always tried to show that good wins." What a precious man. Don't you ever change, Rupert. The strange whistling sound previously known as Russell says that the villains are smarter because they aren't afraid to stab people in the back. Dude, not when a philosophy major is watching. Read Plato's Theaetetus and call me in the morning. Rob cleverly notes, "If these people are smart, they'll get rid of me right away." Hope springs eternal, dear. Cirie tells us she is "a nice gangster in an Oprah suit." Okay.

Opening credits. Is it me or does Courtney look like Winona Ryder in Edward Scissorhands?

Back to the helicopters. Damn, it's taking a while to get to this island. My notes tell me that at this point, Dragon Slayer was "air archering." The helicopters finally land. Turns out the helicopters are from the Air Force. Really? Nothing better to do? Those commercials that told me you were all off acting out Ender's Game were a lie? Jerri, noting that she was the first Survivor villainess, feels like Mother Teresa. I already need a drink and we're not at the first commercial. Jeff asks the contestants some questions. Rob expresses surprise at being on the Villains team and says it's all about perspective. I shall refrain from assigning him homework. For now. Nothing new from the Heroes team - Rupert's happy to be playing again, Tom...said...something. Something about a turnaround? Maybe? Roger Sterling, you need to quit drinking.

Jeff asks if anyone feels like they're on the wrong tribe - Sandra(?), Parvati and Courtney express confusion. Jeff says the entire Villains team feels they're on the wrong side. I'm not that good at math but I'm pretty sure not everyone raised their hands. Colby remarks on the symbolism of his white hat versus Jerri's black hat. "Good and evil," he says. Or, you know, chess, but I'll play along. After some of the ladies (and, uh, Jeff) fawn over James's largeness, Jeff brings up that one time James got voted out with two immunity idols in his pocket. Shh, Jeff, shh. I'm admiring the large. Rob makes some incredibly idiotic remarks about how the Villain women are "obviously stronger," because we all know evil = strength, and that the Villains are lucky that they don't have to deal with the Heroes' egos, because Rob has never seen this game before.

First challenge: two people from each team dig in the sand for a bag. The goal is to get the bag back to your mat. The reward is flint for fire. First up, Cirie and Stephenie versus Danielle and Parvati. The girls end up in a dogpile outside the lines, but I suppose the lines aren't there for any particular reason. It's one of those jobs that'll get us out of the recession: Survivor useless-line-creator. I'm pretty sure Steph took down Parvati with her thighs, to which I say, eat it, Rob. However, Danielle wins the first point for the Villains. Steph's shoulder is dislocated, and we're off to commercial, of course.

And we're back. Stephenie's shoulder is relocated by the medics and the game continues. Amanda and JT take on Jerri and Randy. At one point, everyone leaves the bag completely alone in order to beat the crap out of each other. Great. JT wins a point for the Heroes. Next up are Colby and Tom taking on Dragon Slayer and Russell. Jeff comments on how hard this challenge is when a bunch of men are playing. Not even subtle, Jeff. Good job. Dragon Slayer is flipped on his head, for what I am sure is not the first time, and I can't even comment on what Russell was doing to Tom, because this is a family show. Colby appears to be dragging the bag and Dragon Slayer to the Heroes mat, but Dragon Slayer takes over and forces Colby, holding the bag, to touch the Villains mat, winning the point for the Villains. Brilliant move from Dragon Slayer, I must say. Tyson, in a recording apparently taken in 1950, says that Colby should just give up and become a woman. The pain I wish on Tyson I cannot explain in detail because my mother is reading this. Up next, Sugar and Candice against Sandra and Courtney. Sandra pulls off Sugar's top and Jeff is incapable of commenting on anything but Sugar's boobs. Sugar wins a point for the Heroes and shoots the bird to someone off-camera. I hope it is Tyson. Rupert and James take on Tyson, who is wearing the most ridiculous panties, and Rob. James wins the point and the game for the Heroes. Rupert's toe is broken, but he's playing it down so he doesn't have to leave. I have concerns. Time for a commercial break. See you in the kitchen, Tyson!

At the Villains camp, Dragon Slayer is shocked at the lack of provided utensils. Russell jokes about Dragon Slayer's "Dragon blood," yet we don't get the story about Dragon Slayer's blood transfusion with Smaug. Russell and Danielle are talking alliance. Danielle says she thinks her best bet is to stick with Russell as he tells her that he will stab people in the back. Yep, this is the smart tribe. Parvati decides to work with Russell, but she knows he really can't be trusted. Well, one step above Danielle, anyway.

At the Heroes camp, there are utensils! And Sugar's getting naked again. It starts to rain and Colby remembers that sometimes Survivor is miserable. The Heroes gather to make their first group decision, to which Rupert responds, "Oh, goody!" without a hint of sarcasm. Sugar asks the two oldest men, Rupert and Roger Sterling, to decide where to build the shelter. As the shelter is being built, a chicken wanders into camp. Roger Sterling notices the chicken, who is followed by three more. He organizes a group to catch the rooster and three hens with a fishing net, and the Heroes have some noms.

That night at the Villains camp, the Villains happily discuss Rupert's broken toe. Tyson and his panties "relish" it. Everyone including Dragon Slayer strokes Dragon Slayer's ego about the Colby massacre. Jerri strokes...other things belonging to Dragon Slayer. The next morning, everyone is singing, "Jerri and Dragon Slayer, sittin' in a tree." Sweet beard of Zeus, deliver us.

The next morning at the Heroes camp, JT tries to set up an alliance with James. He mentions something about not wanting "flower power" to beat him again, and I'm pretty sure I have no idea what he's talking about. JT says his strategy is to have everyone on his side. A valid strategy. Colby warns Candice to keep an eye on them. Cirie and Amanda try to play down their alliance from their previous season. Steph and Roger Sterling appear to maybe have a sort of alliance. Who even knows. Roger Sterling notes that he wants another former winner in the final two with him, since the jury would of course vote for a former loser. JT sounds like he isn't planning to play the way he played before, which is clever, but saddens me a little.

Back at the Villains camp, Parvati can't figure out how to thatch a roof and gives up. Rob views his tribe of strong women with pride. Oh, wait, no, he's frustrated because everyone is doing jack shit. He takes it upon himself to make fire. He and some of the other guys rub sticks together (oh hush) until they get fire. Everyone's happy, but they continue to do nothing. Rob notes that this tribe is not made up of smart people. Please tell Russell. Speaking of, while Dragon Slayer flirts with Rob, Russell gets pouty with the love triangle. I'm really concerned about the dynamics of this tribe.

At the Heroes camp, Rupert and his broken toe attempt to be useful around the camp. No luck with fishing, and his fire venture isn't looking much better. Cirie, in the interest of his ego, says nothing. JT takes over, but Rupert is really bummed.

Rob is climbing a tree to get something at the Villains camp, but when the girls remind him that his wife wouldn't like it, he gets down and says it was his idea, 'cause why would he climb that stupid tree when he'd just fall? Even though he could totally climb it if he wanted to. He just doesn't want to. 'Cause it's stupid. Dragon Slayer, along with what I dearly hope is his new theme music, takes over the climb. Sandra enjoys Rob. That makes one of us. Dragon Slayer attempts to retrieve dragon eggs from the tree. He gives up and Rob yells at him that he is not a warrior. Dragon Slayer says he could totally climb the stupid tree if he wanted to. He just doesn't want to. 'Cause it's stupid.

That night at the Heroes camp, Sugar is looking for some protection. Some sexy protection. Ignoring the fact that everyone else is asleep, Sugar curls up with Colby and begins talking. Everyone wakes up. Colby is incredibly ticked.

The next morning, it's shake and bake and JT helped! Since the rooster is the only one not laying eggs, he's breakfast. James recalls seeing his grandmother snap a chicken's neck. Oh, James. Colby talks some smack about the Villains, saying they're inevitably heading toward self-destruction.

Treemail at the Villains camp. It's time for an immunity challenge. Randy wants to beat the Heroes in addition to defeating them. I hate to say this, but Rob had a point.

The immunity challenge is to build a boat, paddle out to get fire, take the boat apart, solve a puzzle, use the planks to build a ladder and light the fire barrel. The Heroes take an early lead, building the boat and getting fire before the Villains get their boat together. The Villains catch up at the puzzle and overtake the Heroes, winning the challenge.

Back from commercials, the Villains self-congratulate. Russell and Dragon Slayer play on a see-saw. Tyson is still wearing panties. My screwdriver is running low, Tyson. Make yourself useful, honey.

Spirits are low at the Heroes camp. And the pre-tribal scrambling commences. I really hate pre-tribal scrambling. I rarely have a comment on anything that happens between the challenge and tribal. They want us to think it's either going to be Cirie or Sugar. Riveting.

Tribal! I have this irrational love of the fire speech. So excited. Hi Jeff! Fire represents your life! Yesss. So, tribal this year is in a treehouse with no roof. That's...something. James is all excited about something Amanda said that I missed (sorry). Nobody really said anything else noteworthy, unless Amanda did, in which case, my bad. People have alliances from past seasons, Sugar cries a lot, there's a reason to vote out everyone on the tribe, everyone's a threat, etc. The votes: Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Amanda, Sugar, Sugar. Bye, Sugar. I'd be sad, but she was really annoying this episode. Which is a shame, because I really liked her in Gabon. All-in-all, fairly predictable. It starts raining ON THE TRIBAL COUNCIL WITH NO ROOF and Jeff sends them back to camp.

Next week: Rob dies.