He could still feel Jay Jay's hand tugging on his sleeve. The way his eyes lit up when the crowd roared, whether he completely understood what was happening or not.
“Is it a home run Dad? Is it a home run?”
Jay Jay would have grasped the other aspects of the game in time, but his mind had wrapped around the fact that a home run made people jump up and yell with excitement. That, and the special music the ball park played every time the home team hit a home run, and he was sold. Each and every one of the three ball games we’d seen… was in anticipation of having “the Home Run Sperience.” That… and the wave.
He'd just needed more time. There had been precious little time.
He loved the crowd… and he loved being here with me. I’d tried to get him interested in watching a televised baseball game with me once and he lost interest almost immediately. He was strictly a ball park kind of guy.
My little guy. God I miss him. I thought that coming here today anyway, by myself might help. I was so wrong. Nothing helps.
There’s a wave circling the park. He would watch for these waves like a vigilant hunter or a sentry on post. Sometimes I’d miss plays… because I was watching the excitement in his face as he watched for a wave. Then when he spotted one, he’d literally scream his excitement to the amusement of everyone sitting around us.
“I see the wave Daddy! There’s a wave coming.” He’d be on the end of his chair with pure delight in his face…watching the wave of people ripple across the stadium. “It’s coming Daddy… here it comes.”
The closer it came to our seats… the more excited he became. Then, when it became our turn, "Jay-man" would leap in the air with a full throated scream of triumph that was completely lost amidst the roar of the crowd around us. But I’d hear his voice. I always heard it. And then he’d laugh with delight, watching closely to see if that same wave would make its way around the stadium and reach us again.
Now the wave is approaching my seat. There is a moment of panic, because I don’t know if I will survive its arrival. If I stand up and shout (or scream) with my hands in the air, lost among the hundreds of people in what used to be our section… I will be listening for his voice within the crowd.
When I don’t hear it, the end of my world will finally be confirmed… and where will I go from there?
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Emily Holleman
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Debra Varva
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Comments
Going back to Disney for a moment, I think this was part of their ultimate realization in getting rid of the A,B,C,D,E tickets. They may have also just eliminated them for efficiency reasons. But at least some of it must have been that they recognized they were putting their own value on rides that in fact people valued differently, and artificially raising tensions about how time was spent, when some people were just as happy to not ride roller coasters but might feel they'd wasted their money if they didn't.
These details of how people see and value things, often different than we do ourselves, are part of each person's identity, so not surprisingly they are keys to what we miss in them when they're gone.
In so doing, I have also come to recognize the intimacy of grief. Like in erotica, and as you have pointed out Kent, we recall the things we shared which are deeply intimate and specific to our individual experiences. We may remember or grieve for the person, but the recollection of the shared activities that were only shared by the two of you are just raw and completely exposed.
My thanks to you all for your comments.
thanks for reviving those memories Harp.
RATED
Athena… I seem to be moving closer and closer to fiction. I can visit another place and different lives without reliving some of the potholes of my own.
Shivaun… I am not even close to being a baseball fan, but I do enjoy live games. I am probably what Jay Jay would have grown up to be.
Robin… Acknowledged, I did, and I seek refuge in fiction as I try to figure out what happened inside during the painful experience. Thanks.
Ariana… I was actually tempted to put “Fiction” in the tile like I have seen a few others do… but that somehow detracts from the experience of reading. The tags let me whisper in your ear and bring you down gently… afterward.
Verbal… This was also one of the shortest pieces I have ever written here on the OS. It makes it more readable in some respects but it is a real challenge to convey everything that you want to convey in such a small package.
Trish… Thank you for caring so very much. It’s funny how I need the avatar to reflect where I am emotionally and right now I am still searching for something. Bear with me.
Sactogar…Thank you. That was a wonderful thing to say. I will get over there to see the finished product.
Cartouche… Welcome back… I’ve missed you. This was fun to write, challenging to accomplish, and still calls for some reflection based upon the comments. Thank you good lady… thank you.
Patie… I had an attractive woman call me an “elegant” man a few months ago. I’ve decided that I really like that word. (Grin) Thank you.
Trudge… “Ghost pains”… very applicable here, and feels like the entre to yet another post.
Suzie…Thank you lady. That was a wonderful compliment.
Littlewillie… greatly appreciated my friend. Now if I can only do it again. (grin)