My summer job that year was at a Day Care Center on White Plains Road in the Bronx. Caught in the conundrum of determining my future, I had walked away from becoming an architect, and was contemplating a career in art or elementary education. For someone who was avidly writing and illustrating children’s books… the choices were not as scattered as they sound. The Day Care Center also helped exorcise a few demons that complicated the decision process as well.
As you might expect there were numerous women working there with me and two that I became intimate with. This post is strictly about Jeni.
Jeni was a wonderful blend of nationalities. Her mother was Puerto Rican and her father was German. She was extraordinarily beautiful and very sexy. She also had the misfortune to become involved with me while I was still a foolish little boy in a man’s body... but I get ahead of myself. I did not know that she genuinely cared for me. I was collecting trophies.
She explained to me one afternoon, as we lay naked in bed together, that she was a practicing Wiccan. To her, this meant that she worshipped the Goddess and her companion the Horned God. I was amused... so I paid attention. Wicca was this clearly defined belief system of ethics and practices associated with a very Old Religion, and she was actively learning as much as she could.
She claimed that she practiced White Magic. In so doing, she could never harm anyone or anything. To her, everyone in the world was her brother or sister and therefore should never be harmed in thought, word, or deed. She seemed quite pleased that I would listen to her, although given the circumstances at the time I would have listened to anything that she had to say.
To her, the Wiccan practice of worshipping the spiritual Mother (the Goddess) embraced values aligned with feminine spiritual powers, like love, peace and happiness… as opposed to the more masculine religious attributes that espouse domination, authority and strength.
The mere mention of the concepts of Black Magic was frightening to her. She genuinely believed that there was power in words and to even discuss such things could bring about unpleasant occurrences.
It would have been easy to dismiss her as a sexy, Loony Tunes character, except that she could often do small things that suggested that she really might be in synch with a privileged party-line of some kind. For example, she could tell in advance when I was calling her… long before the advent of Caller ID. She held places and things sacred for reasons that didn’t sound quite that crazy back then. I don’t really recall any of those examples… because I was only partially listening at the time.
You see, I am not easily susceptible to religious teachings and who in the hell actually believes in witchcraft anyway? Jeni was really just another girlfriend out of many. In fact, unfortunately, she came along shortly after the end of a college relationship that caused me to seek out new conquests and rebound relationships… without much thought to the possible consequences. Besides, someone this attractive surely could have her pick of anyone she wanted. I did not expect her to spend much time thinking about me once we were done. In hindsight, I think that I derived a perverse kind of pleasure in the fact that she could only have me physically. I was a fool.
When she realized I was just another idiot at the time… she was hurt. She had seen so much more in me. Deeply wounded… she walked away. I did not realize until two years later that she had genuinely believed that she was in love with me. By then, she was dating someone else and unsure about their relationship, but she could never come back to me.
About a year after that, I learned that she had been found strangled to death in her Bronx apartment. There was no sign of forced entry, so it was clearly someone that she knew and thought that she could trust. She did, apparently, put up a fight. At the time I began to hate New York City.
To this day… I still feel guilty about Jeni. If I had not been such a fool… she probably would have been with me. If that were the case… would she still be alive today? Clearly I have no way of knowing, but it is my nature to bear the burden of guilt if there happens to be any of it floating around. It doesn't have to be mine… to find a home with me.
You would have liked Jeni.
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Comments
I believe that from the other side, our spirits see things far more clearly, from multiple perspectives - forgive yourself . . . she will have forgiven you.
Blessings.
Thanks guys.
As for the Wiccan thing - I don't follow that spirituality (I won't call it a religion, as that word has some negative connotations for me), but I have friends that do. I follow the old-old-old ways that my grandmother taught me (she was full-blooded Choctaw), and there is much in common between what I believe and what my Wiccan friends believe.
Words do have power. You proved that much right here. So much in our younger years to regret, eh?
Thank you for a thoughtful comment.
RATED
Really, Harp -- your past lovers sound much more interesting than mine, but maybe that's because your lovers are women.
Anyway -- great writing, as usual, about interesting lives.
I like your writing a lot even though lack of time causes me to miss some or not be able to comment like I wish I could.
You struck a chord with the floating guilt. I grab onto it as if it were a runaway red balloon and hold it close until someone like you comes along and reminds me to let go of the string.
Thank you.
Sharon
One of my daughters went out for a while with someone and decided, with great guilt (and I had to support her to do what she wanted to do) broke off with him, not really feeling what he wanted her to feel. Some time later he was found dead in his apartment from a diabetic coma. She took on that guilt load for a while - if only, if only... But we can't foresee the future, maybe who's phoning, but obviously, as in your friend's case, not usually The Big Things, and we're all bouncing around off each other and from internal promptings, making for random outcomes. (If you two had stayed together, she might have got hit by a bus she wouldn't have encountered along her own path...)
Anyway, nice piece and nice photos. Blessed be.
Suzie… in revisiting my past relationships, there were indeed some extremely fascinating women. The danger is that I really can’t write as much as I would like to write for fear of violating their privacy. Even changing the names does not provide the protection needed. It is not hard to find me if someone sincerely wanted to.
Lifehalflived…I have actually worked on trying to avoid latching onto guilt in this way. I find that if you sincerely care and routinely play the role of protector and caretaker… the guilt is almost unavoidable.
Scanner… The pictures are not very good, but thank you.
Owl… (Blush)… actually the picture of me back then is a little weird. People kept sticking camera’s in my face.
Myriad… Welcome to my blog and thank you for commenting. In understand the futile aspects of harboring any responsibility here. It’s just that such a thing should not have happened to her. She deserved happiness. She wanted to attend John Jay College to study Law Enforcement. She wanted to help people.
Take care Harp.
Rated
Peace, bro.
Hugs.