I’m stiff.  I must have dozed while sitting in front of the television.  I don’t recognize what’s on the screen at the moment, and I can feel my back complaining from the odd angle of my body. 

It’s only a few minutes after 11 PM.  I never get to bed before 2 or 2:30.  Perhaps tonight would be a good night to pay back a sleep debt.

I get in bed. I fear the likelihood of another night of staring at the darkened ceiling, so I turn on the television.  Perhaps, since it worked on me in my living room, the television will have the same effect in my bedroom.  My default TV channel has become the TNT network.  An episode of Saving Grace is on.  It’s not one of the shows I watch regularly on TNT, but I am looking for a sedative tonight anyway.  

There was a time when I refused to have a television in my bedroom.  I’d convinced my body that my bed only served two purposes and it could usually distinguish my intentions.  I wonder what happened to that?  Somewhere along the line… I’d lost that.

I watched all of Saving Grace, followed by a rerun of the series premiere of HawthoRNe.   By that point I realized that my strategy was not working.  I keep the remote on my bed.   I fumbled around until I found it and turned the television off. 

In the darkened room, I experimented with sleeping postures once again.  My chiropractor has chided me about sleeping on my stomach.  After a lifetime of sleeping with my face buried in my pillow, he has made it clear that this is a major contributor to the back spasms that subjected me to his care a few months ago.  So now I am still learning to sleep on my back.  It’s amazing how completely contrary to sleeping this is.  If ever I felt as if I was practicing the death pose… sleeping on my back does it. 

Or… perhaps I should say trying to sleep on my back.  Some nights it works, but I usually have to be really exhausted.   Tonight it’s not working.  I was also instructed to put a pillow between my legs if I sleep on my side.   I can see how this is conducive to the chiropractic adjustments which have absolutely helped me tremendously… but it doesn’t help me fall asleep.  Not one bit. 

In addition my mind is racing.  I wonder if my mind is racing because I can’t sleep… or am I unable to sleep because my mind is racing.  I am reliving the joy in a woman’s face the past day, when I invited her to attend a musical worship service that I have been invited to.  I am shocked at how circumstances seem to be ganging up on me.  (I’d served on a community board with a man who is a pastor at a local church.  He and I have become friends.  I’ve helped him create a presentation for his ministry and he has been trying to return the favor ever since. He invited me to attend this worship service as his guest.)

In turn, I’d invited a relatively new friend to accompany me.  I literally said, “I will go if you’ll go with me.”  She was ecstatic.   She has stated that she is not trying to convert me, but I think she is lying to both to us.  I think it is important to her that I become a proclaimed Christian… and I think that will be the obstacle that we cannot overcome.   These are the things racing through my mind this evening. 

I’d seen a truck in the lane ahead of me today (yesterday?) with a sticker that simply said, “Jesus.”  My reaction was consistent.  I’ve always looked at people who feel compelled to announce their beliefs by labeling their vehicles as extremist zealots.   I look at them as crazy people.   So why am I attempting to develop a relationship with such a crazy person?  She does not have a sticker on her car, but her conversational stickers tell me who she is.   (What am I doing?)

(Yeah but you do think she's special don't ya Harp?   You think there really might be something there if only you can break a lifetime of habits and perhaps change your way of thinking.  In fact... just change who you are!  You can do that can't you?  (Holy....)  

I ramble.   

By 2-something I get up.  I know for a fact that I will not get to sleep tonight.   I throw on some clothes and take out the trash.   I live in a really nice, enclosed community and I enjoy it in the middle of the night when it belongs only to me.   The lights in the windows are all off… except for mine, and there isn’t a sound anyway.  The condo at the end of the block left their garage door open.  I can see the children’s bicycles as I walk by.  I like the fact that their kids will find everything the way the left them in this community, even though they forgot to close the garage door.

I stand outside of my home at this hour and I listen.  I wonder if anyone is watching me at this moment but that is inconsequential. I look up and and find a wealth of stars above.  I have stood in the street at night in front of every house that I have ever owned and looked at it in recognition of the role it plays in my life.  The place I would come home to after galavanting around the world.  The place that houses my possessions, my memories, and the hours of my day.  Since I have worked from home since 1991, they have all carried extra significance.  I control access.  I bestow character and ambiance. 

I ramble.  

I come back and check my blog.  No new comments, but there is a message from a friend that inspires me to respond.  The topic is mostly the same religious dilemma that I have described here.   Upon finishing the message, my computer is insisting on a Windows Update and repeatedly wants to restart itself.  So, while I allow this to occur, I become distracted by a Keiffer Sutherland movie that isn’t very good, but it’s on HBO and that’s a welcome change.  

It’s now after 4:30 and I need to write.  Perhaps blogging about my insomnia will get this monkey off my back.  A movie filmed in Australia is keeping me company while I write this.  I am comforted by the accents, but I haven’t a clue as to what is going on.  I really do want to return to Australia one day.

I ramble.