March 29
Over the years I've discovered that inspiration is very much like being struck by lightning. The wonderful thing ... is that it strikes again, and again, and again.


OCTOBER 10, 2009 11:43PM

To Feel My Nature Rise

Rate: 10 Flag

My Nature Rises

Dashed off quickly, and hot while the feelings (so elusive) are there, fresh and immediate, almost before I hang up the phone.

I am unaccustomed to such phone calls… the ones that come in at 11 PM to advise me that you will be working until 7 AM in the morning.   I am unaccustomed to the demands that cause you to work a 16 hour shift.  I also knew you were feeling the first inklings of an illness earlier in the day.   This was not the day to comply with such spontaneous demands. 

You’ve done it before and you are accustomed to it. (Tomorrow I will awaken and laugh at myself.)  I heard the words through the telephone earpiece.  I must admit that mine is a protective nature… (perhaps over-protective) and with full awareness of it, I find that I must quickly stamp it down.  You’re obviously able to care for yourself… but it is my nature to want to intercede.  To make it clear to those who would use you to balance their own scheduling needs… that they should think again.  (You don’t even notice that I am all set to run to your rescue whether you need me to or not.  You simply wanted me to know that you would not be home as usual this evening.  We weren't going to see each other tonight anyway.  It would have just been a phone call. I am grateful for your consideration… but helpless to change circumstances beyond my control.) Would I find a touch of madness in my mirror?

In my mind, you are a silhouette against a torrid backdrop of color and light.  You are safe in your own careful and cautious way… which is barely sufficient for my purposes. (You are far from helpless. Why do I cast you as such?) I need to constantly set your soul free to continue the flight you’ve flown for 47 years, or my protective tendencies will become uncharacteristically suffocating.  Not from the same old stuff like jealousy or possessiveness (hold-overs from 'she-who-came-before') but because I still cannot believe the quality of the air in my lungs when I inhale, and you’ve taught me how to breathe again.  The childish, unrealistic perception of any interference in your life makes me check myself. 

Out of control, I could easily drive over this evening to see you at work, like a school-boy with a childish crush.  (Got it bad bro.) I won’t, and I won’t make mention of it again.  Instead I will bury these emotions in my blog and pretend this works to the satisfaction of my needs. Your employer will never know my anger at this innocent scheduling shift.

I’ll pretend that when my nature rises like this… that it’s all right.    

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Harp, this is verbal perfection and nothing less!

The Knight In Shining Armor complex is a familiar one..and it often leads to doom.
"I’ll pretend that when my nature rises like this… that it’s all right." My, my, my, Harp. You DO have it bad . . . but it could be worse. You could be acting on those instincts, and possibly alienating her. Excellent writing, though - soo you.
Thank you M'Lady and you are sooo right JD. The thing that grabbed me was how not like me this response was. It was strong, immediate, and new. As Owl points out... I must have it worse than I thought. Fortunately... still lucid however.

The big problem is that she's sick and should be resting. Instead she's working harder and longer than usual. (sigh) Thank you all.
Gosh...this was great. I haven't seen you doing much writing...but it could be my lack of time. I'll go back and look.

Nice to read you again.
Hey Buffy Girl... in truth I have not been here a lot. It appears that blogging was essential when I was mostly alone, but there is a woman now and and my time allotments are just different. Funny how that can happen huh lady? It's very nice to reconnect with you again though. I am way behind on my reading, but I spent all day working today as well. Yet another priority... paying the bills.
Glad that you are writing instead of charging in on your white horse. The romantic in me might wish for the latter, but the realist knows how that would be received.
Naturally you're worried. 16 hour shifts? That's not good for anybody. Hope that doesn't happen too often. There's a fine line between giving helpful advice and being controlling. It would be ok for you to talk about our concerns, just not at the moment she's telling you she has to work. Part of working on a relationships is discussing things as much as is productive, then leaving it alone. And yes, you do have it bad. It's sweet.
my goodness but you're in love! It's nice to see it. The desire to take care of someone we love is one of the more rewarding aspects of that state.
Emma… This is an instance where the blogging totally worked. Once I wrote it down and got it out of my system I was fine. Actually, she probably would not have minded if I’d taken it further, but I would have known I was out of bounds. Good to “see” you lady.

Sirenita… Well said. The “leaving it alone” part is the key.

Sandra… Hi Sandra. This is both amazing and wonderful, and not without a certain measure of trepidation. Having been married twice already, I have been wrong before. But if I am wrong about this woman, then I have no understanding of the world I live in and I am likely a fool of the greatest magnitude. Fortunately, we still plan to take our time about things. Wish me luck.
Ah, the human mind in all its complexity, and the adult human with all his/her childish needs. You've captured so much about the subject with so few well-wrought words.
Love is one of the few things worth risking it all for again and again and again.

...I still cannot believe the quality of the air in my lungs when I inhale, and you’ve taught me how to breathe again.

Yup. You've got it. Bad. And that's good. :-D

Hi Tom … hey Bill!

She and I exchange email messages and telephone calls… especially after each date. She lives across town and works every other weekend, so our opportunities are spotty. I share stuff with you guys like a coed in the dorm. I desperately would like to act like an adult here, but most of the time I do indeed feel like a widdle kid.

Feeling happy is an experience new to this decade. (Grin)
We've been married now since June of this year. Most mornings... I still fee-ew wike a happy widdle kid.