I love you so much, that at times it’s problematic. You can imagine that this places me in very unfamiliar territory.
Discovering Facebook has been tremendous for me. Mostly, I’ve been able to locate people in my life that I’d thought were lost forever. I refer to people from all stages of my life, from elementary school, through high school, college and people I’ve met as an adult. It’s allowed me to easily keep in touch with close friends, casual acquaintances, family members, as well as people that I would never have known were family. It’s been absolutely wonderful.
So imagine how proud I was when you responded so enthusiastically to the fact that your father was on Facebook? You made it real clear that this somehow put me in the “Cool Dad” category and I liked that.
The first surprise was when I realized that I had boundaries here that didn't necessarily apply to everyone. I had to ignore requests from your friends who wanted to "friend" me for some strange reason. Embarassing baby pictures were frowned upon and would be removed if possible. Appropriate “distance” would solidify the “Cool Dad” reputation.
This was all okay and I was pretty sure that I could do this.
Now that the second surprise has manifest, I am not so sure... and I really don't know what to do.
Surely... you know that I can see the language that you use among your friends and school mates? You've got free-flowing "F-bombs" everywhere and a few words and labels that I've never written in my life. Surely... you know that the whole world can read what is on your Facebook? It's written under the name I gave you!! Am I supposed to make believe that I don't see it? (My God... I think I am.) Am I not supposed to periodically visit your page... just as I visit the pages of my other friends? Do you think it's okay because I haven't lost my mind about it? It's not.
I'm not allowed to lose my mind about it. You're my child in a grown man's body... making daily unsupervised decisions while you are away at this school, but these are not good decisions.
I admit to being extremely confused. You have an outstanding vocabulary. You’re smart, you’re doing well in school. You're a senior for Christ's sake! You'll be graduating soon. You don’t need to resort to this. Why?
I remember what it was like when I was coming up. I was very proud of the fact that my communication skills were such, that I could speak perfect English in school and at home… and then smoothly slip into the neighborhood language in the blink of an eye. I felt like this gave me broader options. I was proud of this and believe me, our neighborhood conversations were colorful enough to fit right in at any dock or prison ward. I am no prude son. You aren’t using words I’ve never heard before.
But you are publishing this in print on the Internet! (This could hurt you.)
You wrote something the other day that genuinely embarrassed me. It was crude and foul. (I was hurt.) I would not have believed it, because you have never embarrassed me before. Over the years, there have been occasions where I’ve been disappointed, dismayed, and thoroughly pissed off… but never embarrassed. I remember wondering if any of my friends and associates were reading this and making the connection. I wondered what some of your friends were thinking?
I feel a boundary here that I don't want to acknowledge, but it's a tangible boundary. I can feel it, and I don't like it.
Even here in the Open Salon where I take pains to maintain some measure of anonymity (because I am not a writer… don’t intend to be a writer… and write for my own personal pleasure) I will often include some carefully chosen, colorful language of my own to lend authenticity and realism to a posted piece. But my name isn't on it. (Our name isn't on it.) It isn’t signed for the casual reader… and if it were, I would still claim some artistic license here.
You can claim no such thing.
Are teachers, advisors, counselors or future employers reading this and making up their own assumptions about who you are? I have to believe they are. This breaks my heart, because if they are... I think they are wrong. Before this latest surprise, I would have known deep in my soul that they were wrong.
I want them to be wrong more than you will ever know. Although there will probably be some form of social network around for your children when the time comes.
If I am still around… I think I’ll stay out of that. You can be the "Cool Dad."
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Emily Holleman
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Comments
Well, anyway, I think the whole concept of privacy, discretion, etc. is going to change (as in vanish?). When all the young people are saying embarrassing (or whatever) things, prospective employers will have to ignore it. Plus, before you know it, said prospective employers will have come from that demo anyway.
That is, if there are any prospective employers in America's future...
Lezlie
Nice to see you here, I hope you can get through to him.
Rated.
Rita… I am amazed at how many pictures he has and at how many friends he has period! Fortunately, the pictures all seem to be in good taste (or at least none are offensive.) I do care that he seems to have befriended an unbelievable number of people. As outgoing as he is…I still don’t think you should accept every Friend Request you receive. I certainly don’t.
Myriad… That illusion of privacy could just as easily apply to the OS as it does to FB. Your comment about the concept of privacy changing is fascinating though. It isn’t a passive change either. We are driving it with networking tools like Twitter that suggest that it’s okay to follow people throughout their daily lives. I am just not comfortable with that.
Blue… Your approach is the one that would let me sleep better at night, but I couldn’t do it for long. I have always operated under the “no news is good news policy.” Unlike their mother who demands frequent contact and “check-ins” -- I give them space. I always have and they have appreciated this. Facebook allows me to keep tabs without crowding them. You just have to be prepared for what you will see when you look through the window.
Lezlie… I actually expected my two to give me a hard time about joining FB. I was delighted when I was seemingly welcomed with open arms. My son boasted to his friends. How can I denounce his actions after that reception? (In truth… I know the answer to that question Sis.)
Buffy… Hey Lady!!! I’ve missed you. I am always delighted to see special friends who were here with me before my year long hiatus. Welcome back.
Sophieh… I sure hope you’re right. That is the only reason I have refrained from speaking to him about it. Upon graduation I am expecting and instant maturation bump… or I will not be happy. Is this realistic?
Unbreakable… Thank you … and yes, the ratings are greatly appreciated.
Kh3333… It’s too late. Long gone are the days when these social networks were the sole province of the individual. These days companies are creating their own Facebook pages and their own Twitter accounts. They won’t be able to avoid reviewing the pages of potential applicants.
Just Thinking… It is very scary… and addictive. I have had to go back and delete stuff that, in hindsight, did not belong in the world’s view. It was too private… but it would not have hurt me. There is a difference.
Maryway… I wish I had good advice. It’s so much easier to give it than to take it. Each case will be unique I suppose.
Take the fucking Facebook AWAY from your kid.
We did. Our kids have straight A's.
If you as an adult want to jerk off on the time and culture suck that is Facebook, go ahead. Our kids are not allowed....and they are doing quite well.
Catherine… It’s as if the generation behind us has a completely different perception on the value of privacy. Growing up in New York City, and riding crowded subway trains daily… my own personal comfort sphere was very different from those I would later meet from rural and remote regions. Maybe the paradigm shift is similar?
What I think you should do is private-message him a couple of articles about people fired for things they posted on Facebook, best practices for Facebook privacy and how SOME (by no means all) employers are snooping on social media in the screening process. These best practices are helpful for preventing identity theft and home break-ins as well.
Parents, unless something compromising is passed around by other people outside the walled garden, Facebook is not a permanent record. All posts, comments and photos can be deleted and I bet every college career center already recommends these measures. Unless the employer is the FBI there will not be an exhaustive search to get the goods on someone.
But let's face it, the real concern is Dad's discomfort with his son's online persona. And I think, Harp, that you just have to suck it up. You had years and years to police his behavior and that time is over. How many times did you embarass him in front of his friends when you had all the power? His FB account is about HIS social networking.
I think if he posts something disturbing (like a bigoted diatribe) then a conversation is in order ("did you really mean that? do you realize how that makes you look?") and at his age it should not Dad coming down on Son but two adult family members having a respectful talk. It seems like you are off to a great start by biting your tongue so far.
This skit with Jane Lynch is not too far off:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/184577/saturday-night-live-moms-on-facebook
And go check out
http://myparentsjoinedfacebook.com/
I hear the Shephardstown West Virginia farm market is `
Blueberry Hill Vegetables. Each market is different too.
They are unique like people. Friends. Yes. Howdy X rant.
Glad your back.
Life's an adventure.
I laugh at your thought`
I am "extremely confused."
Who ain't. It's corny times.
`
You get pickpocket in local jail.
Noble laureate ate corn cob pipe?
Toddlers eat grape jam post thefts.
Homes? stolen by robber bankers.
People on street sniff bakery glass.
CEOs steal manhole covers in DC.
CEOs stuff limburger cheese in`
top pocket, rear of their britches,
and bankrupt lawyers have sales?
Bank and baker sales parties. Ho!
They may steal Harp's white teeth!
CEO & FOX crew use vaginal cream!
tease
They shoplift wrong tooth Y-U-K's
Tube of jelly to brush foul mouths!
O, rob Burger King of pepper pack!
They are foul. No salt of the Earths!
No take them on dates. They steal Ya`
britches, gallon of moonshine, PU truck`
and No can see the optometrist to rob her!
gads.
Hi.
Stay.
Walk
away
okay
Good
To Read
Old Timer
Howdy Ho!
Itochka… I have two children, and my son is the younger of the two. While technically neither of them are legally under my supervision as you put it, they both respect me and will be influenced by what I say. Even if they don’t like my intervention or agree with my position, they will hear me out. He gets defensive and irritable if he feels like he’s being “told what to do” but he doesn’t ignore me. That means I do have to be even more careful these days how I approach him. I particular liked your comment about “two adult family members having a respectful talk.” That is exactly what I want… but there is a time to spend those chips and so far… as uncomfortable as I am with some of the things I’ve seen, this is probably not the time.
This is clearly among the most comprehensive comments I have ever received here on my blog and I am extremely appreciative that you took the time and effort to answer so completely. Your knowledge of the subject is uncommonly thorough. I can’t help but be curious as to the source of your insight.
I’ve not watched the skit yet… but I will. Thanks.
Art James… My friend!! The fact that I typically have to re-read your comments several times to figure out the messages is only part of the fun. I am so happy to see you here and to be the recipient once again of your feedback. I have this image of your comments verbalized and coming at me in a rapid-fire staccato delivery that shifts between open-mic poetry and rap. You’re the best, guy.
As the mother of a seven and a four year old, I cannot offer any experience based advice. Reading this post and your comments, however, I am impressed by your parenting philosophy and hope I can hold to mine as wisely and as consistently as you have.
I wouldn't worry about it, Dad.
Thunder Road... Fascinating blog name there lady. But thank you so much for saying that. I lost my Dad-manual a long time ago and I've been winging-it ever since. (grin)
Lainey… The privacy settings have really not been mentioned as much throughout these discussions and they are yet another key to the puzzle. Your comment is on the mark… although we could examine the differences between our generations for the next several days and still not fully understand the comparison. I appreciate your conclusion…but I probably worry less about repercussions and more about his judgment in being so provocative on such a public stage.
Authoritarian culture? Between a parent and a child? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, in our house, the parents are the authority.
By the way, we tolerate plenty of anti-authoritarian behavior. Our kids have seen clothing optional beaches, open marijuana smoking (by adults) and vociferous political dissent. They simply are not allowed to make fools of themselves on the internet.
Maybe the reason the right wing is so dominant in this country is because progressives are so fucking weak about exerting control.
r
Liz… My undergraduate degree is in Elementary Education. I chickened out after student teaching during my senior year. (These days I teach/consult with adults.) But I do believe that teachers are on the front line with parents… and the new tools are making the job harder. Actually I think the job is very different these days from what many expected when they became teachers. How do you teach a generation of young people to use communication tools that evolve as fast as technology is evolving today? I still use a flip phone for Christ’s sake.
Jon… I appreciate the illustration. I was concerned about my son’s colorful language on Facebook, and you have demonstrated that a parent can be just as colorful (twice in the same post) here in the Open Salon. Now before you and I start giving each other the evil eye… I meant no disrespect by my use of the word “authoritarian” previously. I am sure you are running your household the way you want to.
Gabby… Hey lady. No, but he’ll be job hunting shortly. I’m convinced that he’ll be okay, it’s just that sometimes the smallest things can trip you up.
Cyril… Someone earlier made the point about the use of the privacy settings. I err on the side of being very restrictive on my page. I actually don’t know if he is or not, but that much I do intend to ask him.
Tom… I had no idea that this post would inspire such an active discussion. I am certainly glad it helped. Yup… parenthood is an AWESOME thing. (grin)
Hopefully my parents (both of whom are on my friends' list), don't ever get disappointed because of FB.
I imagine age will help, but so will a nudge. You describe a set of boundaries that you know exist so that you will be allowed the friend status. What are the boundaries you apply so that he can remain in the friend status? Not laws, just hopeful expectations. I won't un-friend my kids, but if they leap out of line I may give a push back - like a "total mom" comment. Maybe they will un-friend me....that's okay; friends come and go, I'd rather be the mom. I'm always surprised at how a simple "what a great day" status post of my own just reminds them that I am there and mellows some of their language for a while. But I have had to post "this is on my wall too". It is our job to remind them.
A good point came up about other people posting photos of you -- Facebook lets you remove the tag. It's important to know your options.
This is a kid with a Mensa IQ yet he insists on dumbing himself down to the level of his dumb friends. Oy.
Joba…I love the blog name. If you go to my “July 2009” link on the left side of my blog, you will find a few posts under the “StarWars Influence” subheading that you might find interesting. Meanwhile, my son is 23 and graduating from college this semester. He’s got a few silly pictures on his page, but nothing that should hurt him. I just want him to pay attention to his image as he gets ready to step out on the big stage.
Moana… Thank you. How are you? From your comments here alone, I can tell that your parents won’t ever have real reason for concern regarding your FB. Good luck to you.
…next please… Kindred Spirit. I’ve already done a few of those things, but I was either too subtle or studiously ignored. I chose not make it point of contention … yet. So far I’ve seen stuff that bothered me, but not something that suggests an openly dangerous exposure.
Itochka… My mother suffered a severe stroke years ago, and permanently lost her ability to speak. I wrote about this in “The Truth” here on this blog. It was an EP so it’s easy to find here if you are interested. If not for that she would still be lecturing me on her opinions-masquerading-as-facts whenever possible, and I am in my 50s. Thanks for lending some real insight to this post.
Major Mojo… Another Kindred Spirit. Good luck to you as well. Oy.
I appreciate your responses. I assure you that I use the F-word for spice (like hot sauce), not out of anger.
But I really am concerned, in reading some of these responses and other observations, about what I see as a reluctance by certain parents (and those might be the highly educated, coastal progressive types) to exert real control.....to say, simply, "no, you can't."
Jon… I think what we are looking at here are different perspectives on the same issue. I have always been a strong believer in my parental obligation to say “no, you can’t.” I emphasize the word obligation here, but I feel just as strong about knowing when to say “no”… and when to stop saying “no.” I say again… my son is a senior in college. He wakes up every morning and goes through his day without any parental supervision. If he truly needs “supervision” by this point in his development, I’ve already failed in my obligations as his life teacher. Fortunately for us… we can succeed in some areas and fail in others. My reason for this post was a cry of agony that we might have failed in arming him with the common sense to know that some measure of discretion is probably called for on the Internet. (It was also a cry of confusion because he was making a choice here that I don’t understand.) Other than that… I am pretty confident that we succeeded in developing his character, his ability to remain on the right side of the law, his personal self-reliance, and several other areas. I think we accomplished this by saying “no” when we truly needed to.
If he were several years younger and still in need of basic development and strict parental supervision…you and I might be standing side-by-side.
Do I worry about identity theft? Yes. Do I worry that I will be dismissed if I express disapproval over something he considers harmless? Only a little. I’ve found that if I point to specific actions that are clearly out of bounds, they are less likely to be dismissed. While monitoring his colorful dialogue from afar (fearful of finding examples that demand intervention) I posted this out of confusion. I am confused at his choices. I am amazed at how close to my perception of “out of bounds he is skirting” but he hasn’t gotten there yet.
I think this means that we agree. Thank you for submitting such a heart-felt comment. I designate you a Kindred Spirit.
Your son is in college?! Stupid me for not reading thoroughly.
Now I completely understand your point of view and why the situation is nuanced. My parental experience and opinions thereof extend only as far as middle school.
Maybe take your son for a beer and tell him to stop acting like a tool (or a a thirteen year old girl) on Facebook.
Jon… Beer is an acquired taste that I never acquired. (I don’t think he cares much for beer either.) But your suggestion is a good one. Now we are communicating. Thanks Jon.
Lainey… I am always intrigued when the discussion thread is as much fun, or more fun, than the post itself. Thanks for coming by and leaving a comment.