I don’t know when I remembered. It came back to me gradually. I don’t believe there was an event or an occurrence that suddenly brought it all back to me, but before I was blissfully ignorant. And then I was aware.
It’s been a few decades now. You would think that would be plenty of time to think about it. Time to determine whether there has been emotional or psychological damage. Would I know if there was?
On occasion I would stumble over something that commented on the effects of such childhood occurrences. They would make references to “childhood trauma” and “emotional scars.” I believe there are people that say they can trace obesity or addictive personalities or even failed marriages... to being subjected to some form of child molestation. I think that some of what I've read on the subject might have been posts right here in the Open Salon. I certainly didn’t go looking for material on the subject.
Nope. I never followed up once I had the memories back and I never pursued any real research on the subject. I've never sought help of any kind with this. I don’t talk about it, and I have never directly acknowledged that something happened to me with anyone. Except for that one woman that I spent most of that night with while traveling on business. We both shared far more than either of us planned to, but I suppose I knew that I would never see her again. She probably knew it too. I don’t even remember who she was or where we were.
I honestly don’t believe I need any help. Frankly I’m not terribly upset about it. I don’t recall being harmed in any way. I can’t point to any seriously deviant behavior on my part. Honest! I don’t remember the details of how things happened. I just recall that they happened. I do know that I was very young at the time, and I think it happened more than once. Did I enjoy it? I probably did.
He is related to me and he is older than I am. I’ve seen him numerous times at family gatherings over the years. I would not say that we are close by any means, but we have occasionally exchanged email messages and we have spoken to each other. At no time has either of us given any indication of recalling what transpired. I do wonder how he remembers it. I wonder if he was ever afraid that I would blow the whistle on him? Surely he doesn’t think I’ve forgotten, although for a time… that is exactly what I did.
I wonder how I would feel about it today if I had any homosexual tendencies. As it happens I do not. I’m also happy to say that I am not at all homophobic. Folks gotta do what works for them. Could my past experience have had a positive impact on me? Too deep for me!!
At some point, I must have made a passive decision to keep it to myself. This post to my blog is already more revealing than I ever thought possible. I’ve discovered that while I love to write, I enjoy the process more when I am writing about a topic with personal impact. The thoughts and words just flow and the post takes very little time to produce. It is as if writing sharpens my thinking process. I just have to remember that this is still the World Wide Web. So I pull back.
I sometimes think that I would really like to ask him about it. No accusations or confrontations of course, but I can’t help but wonder if it was only me? If so… why? Were there other boys… or men? Has he had any deviant behavior issues over the years, if he is willing to share this with me? The fact is he is married with children if that means anything.
This post was prompted because I hear that he is sick and has been for a while now. If I never get the answer to those questions, it’s not going to upset me. This happened so long ago, that it can’t be relevant to who I am today, or who I am going to be in the remaining days ahead.
At least I don’t think so.