I don’t know when I remembered. It came back to me gradually. I don’t believe there was an event or an occurrence that suddenly brought it all back to me, but before I was blissfully ignorant. And then I was aware.
It’s been a few decades now. You would think that would be plenty of time to think about it. Time to determine whether there has been emotional or psychological damage. Would I know if there was?
On occasion I would stumble over something that commented on the effects of such childhood occurrences. They would make references to “childhood trauma” and “emotional scars.” I believe there are people that say they can trace obesity or addictive personalities or even failed marriages... to being subjected to some form of child molestation. I think that some of what I've read on the subject might have been posts right here in the Open Salon. I certainly didn’t go looking for material on the subject.
Nope. I never followed up once I had the memories back and I never pursued any real research on the subject. I've never sought help of any kind with this. I don’t talk about it, and I have never directly acknowledged that something happened to me with anyone. Except for that one woman that I spent most of that night with while traveling on business. We both shared far more than either of us planned to, but I suppose I knew that I would never see her again. She probably knew it too. I don’t even remember who she was or where we were.
I honestly don’t believe I need any help. Frankly I’m not terribly upset about it. I don’t recall being harmed in any way. I can’t point to any seriously deviant behavior on my part. Honest! I don’t remember the details of how things happened. I just recall that they happened. I do know that I was very young at the time, and I think it happened more than once. Did I enjoy it? I probably did.
He is related to me and he is older than I am. I’ve seen him numerous times at family gatherings over the years. I would not say that we are close by any means, but we have occasionally exchanged email messages and we have spoken to each other. At no time has either of us given any indication of recalling what transpired. I do wonder how he remembers it. I wonder if he was ever afraid that I would blow the whistle on him? Surely he doesn’t think I’ve forgotten, although for a time… that is exactly what I did.
I wonder how I would feel about it today if I had any homosexual tendencies. As it happens I do not. I’m also happy to say that I am not at all homophobic. Folks gotta do what works for them. Could my past experience have had a positive impact on me? Too deep for me!!
At some point, I must have made a passive decision to keep it to myself. This post to my blog is already more revealing than I ever thought possible. I’ve discovered that while I love to write, I enjoy the process more when I am writing about a topic with personal impact. The thoughts and words just flow and the post takes very little time to produce. It is as if writing sharpens my thinking process. I just have to remember that this is still the World Wide Web. So I pull back.
I sometimes think that I would really like to ask him about it. No accusations or confrontations of course, but I can’t help but wonder if it was only me? If so… why? Were there other boys… or men? Has he had any deviant behavior issues over the years, if he is willing to share this with me? The fact is he is married with children if that means anything.
This post was prompted because I hear that he is sick and has been for a while now. If I never get the answer to those questions, it’s not going to upset me. This happened so long ago, that it can’t be relevant to who I am today, or who I am going to be in the remaining days ahead.
At least I don’t think so.
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Emily Conyngham
Seer
koshersalaami
emma peel 2
Poor Woman
Joan H.
Salon.com
Comments
Lezlie
I did some research on this back in the early nineties, when my husband and I published a sex zine with some serious essay and journalism as well as erotica. The research is not all one way. At the time, the issue was horribly sensationalized. Any sexual molestation was like that Arlo Guthrie song--kid's life is ruined! Serious researchers found different results. Certain kinds of activities were less or not at all traumatic. The closer in age the people were, the less the power of one over the other, the less it was likely to result in lifelong trauma. Oddly, homosexual encounters were less traumatic statistically, sometimes because they included activities that would have been called molestation, but involved an older kid who really did want to experiment. Incest between brother and sister tended to be less damaging. Again, these were statistical results. Individual experiences are what they are.
What I learned was that context was really important, and the degree of overpowering a kid's will and making them fell physically helpless and afraid was very important in determining the life-long fallout. A surprising number of people, though, reported having no long-term issues at all.
As a sex-negative society, we automatically assume that any sexual encounter that falls into the child molestation area as defined by law is seriously damaging. We know much too much already about the bad, devastating cases, so I won't review them except to say that we know what those look like. But there are also cases of fondling but not rape, even cases where the child put a stop to the behavior him/herself, and those people tend to be less or not at all traumatized. In fact, in some cases, it is the parental and legal response that is traumatic.
I think your take on how you feel is spot on. When something bothers you from your childhood, it's like a piece of shrapnel buried in your flesh. You know it's there, it might eventually work its way out. But in this case, there appears to be nothing there. Regardless of what society says, you know you survived quite well without psychic injuries.
Good to see you, Harp.
Profoundly disturbing, maybe.
The image you chose, with just a glimpse of clarity, is spot on.
Thank you for responding to my blog. Since coming back, I’ve not been as inclined to add comments on top of new incoming comments (I don’t know why)… but I felt compelled to respond here.
I wrote this piece, then I put it away, then I pulled it out again. I looked at this thing a dozen times before finally hitting the “Publish” button. I genuinely believe that I’ve suffered no lasting effects from this experience and I was delighted to read Sirenita’s eloquent explanation that confirms that I am not alone and probably justified in my beliefs.
I know you are looking out for me Lezlie and as always I appreciate it. I continue to kick around the possibility of broaching the subject with him, but I doubt that I will. I think it will be unnecessarily uncomfortable for both of us. Now if I did believe that I’d been impaired in some way because of it, I would probably view this differently.
As for Kim’s response, I think we create these windows to provoke a response, to make our readers think, to make them laugh, to whet their appetite for more, and so on. I don’t want to be disturbing, but I do want to be profound. If I can be profoundly disturbing, then I have reason for more discussion and the possibility of a personal “ah hah” in here somewhere.
(I am always on the lookout for a personal “ah hah.”) Thanks again to you all.
I found this to be "ah hah." I'd love to know more about the image you chose.
Interesting and thought provoking.
i have disgraced my poor dead parents alot.
so what?as rita says,
"Deft handling of a subject that is many layers deep"
i have disgraced my poor dead parents alot.
so what?as rita says,
"Deft handling of a subject that is many layers deep"
i have disgraced my poor dead parents alot.
so what?as rita says,
"Deft handling of a subject that is many layers deep"