This week, the award for Self-hating Bisexual Asswipe and Overall Tool goes to Megan Fox, co-star of "Transformers 2", who has announced to Esquire magazine that she is bisexual; that she thinks everyone is bisexual; and that she sleeps with lesbian women, but not bisexual women, because men are dirty and she will not sleep with a woman who sleeps with dirty men.

First, allow me to say what a privilege it is, as a humble member of the fluid sexuality persuasion, to be represented by this giant Los Angeles intellect, this walking piece of pornography, this tool of the patriarchy; who has managed during her 15 minutes of fame to do more for bisexual visibility than I could if I labored for 100 years, slogging it out within the confines of my little blog. 

Yes, thanks to spokespersons like Megan, I can hold my head up with pride.  But only if, first, I slink away in despair to the nearest dark watering hole and drown my brain in alcohol.

How is it that cumstains like this always manage to get their turn at the microphone, while far more intelligent members of our species vanish without a trace into the background?  Is this part of the vast right wing conspiracy?  Maybe Carrie Prejean is right about one thing--you want to be assured a platform for your opinions, no matter how inane--get the boob job.

There are so many things wrong with Megan's personal philosophy, where do I begin?

1)  Men are dirty.  Now here is a real man-hater.  Truly, fellas, you don't have to worry about the dykes, who for the most part, just aren't interested in you.  No.  You have to worry about dames like this one, who loath you while they are having sex with you.  Maybe you think that's hot--in which case, you're a dirty, dirty boy.  But in the end, would she only run after that lesbian purity to help her feel clean and good again?

2)  She will sleep with lesbians, who are clean, but not other dirty bis, like herself, who have tainted their bodies with male contact.  Good luck, Megan.  According to a 1995 British survey of lesbian and bisexual women, 85 % have had sex with men at least once, most likely when they lost their virginity.  70% have had sex with men within the last 4 years, 12% have had sex with men in the last year.  24% of lesbians and 29% of bisexual women become pregnant.

But wait, there's more.  Women who have sex with women are more likely to have sex with men who have sex with men.  Now that's keeping it in the queer family!  Trouble is, 39% will have unprotected vaginal sex and 11% will have unprotected anal sex.  See yourself in these statistics, Megan?  Because girls like you seem so likely to try and avoid the whole safer sex negotiation (so unromantic, so lacking on spontaneity) by seeking out only the "clean" lesbians to have sex with.

3)  How a gal like you finds lesbians when you think that everyone is bisexual is beyond me.  Not to mention that, now with this big Esquire interview, finding lesbian women who will sleep with you might become a little bit harder--unless they overlook that whole "dirty bisexual" thing.  And the fact that they are being used.

4)  I guess that if men will no longer have sex with you because you think they're dirty, and lesbians will no longer have sex with you because they realize you are using them, and bisexuals will no longer have sex with you because you are an utter disgrace, that leaves having sex with straight women.  Or yourself.  Oh, but wait--straight women have sex with dirty men and so do you.  I guess you won't be having sex with anyone from now on, including yourself, because you are filthy, filthy, filthy.

As for me, I shall continue with my wanton and indiscriminate lifestyle, since I will have sex with anyone who shows signs of grey matter between their ears--which excludes Megan.  At least I use latex.