I had surgery a couple of months ago on a place no fiber processing mammal should have to endure. For that privilege I've been required to pay an endless series of bills, one of which for $750. I wrote out a check, painfully parting with my ill gotten gains and placed it in a box outside the nearest postal center.

Boy, what a mistake that was.

Here it is a month later and I get the bill again asking politely for me to pay, only now I've moved into the 30-60 deadbeat category.  Hey assholes, you know how many aluminum cans it takes to make up $750!  Competition for dumpsters around here is fierce and I ain't going through that hell twice! So I called them up and asked them what the hell they did with my money.

That was Monday.  As of now they are still researching even after I had to go through the degradation of marching to a godawful Kroger to fax them proof of my innocence. (For once, it's not me!).  Then I finally get a copy of my check when it cleared the bank. First I gave it that cocked head, quizzical puppy dog look - then I hit the roof! My check had been ink washed! To which I could only say: You dick!

So what is check washing? Like any good con man I keep track of all the tricks I come across and I saw this technique demonstrated with startling effectiveness years ago on TV.  Here's a snippet I found on the net:

Using a process known as check washing, mail snatchers erase the ink on a check with chemicals found in common household cleaning products or on the shelves of your local Walmart and then rewrite the checks to themselves, increasing the amount payable by hundreds and even thousands of dollars.

So instead of my check going to Anal Assassins Surgery, it ends up going to one Samuel Mendoza, who - now I think about it - is probably Surly's gardener. Scarface's next move was to head to south Irving to an Ace Cash Express where the check cashing standard is to ask if you're breathing (and even that can be waived, the place to go after your weekend at Bernie's).

So I called the cops and filled out a report and asked him what he thought.  He told me it was probably some meth-head.  WTF??  Turns out they steal mail - even from out in front of the post office - and wash the checks with the same chemicals used to produce meth.  Well, isn't that precious!  The cop told me they use wire and string devices to fetch out mail - and sometimes even have postal keys!





Here's a video showing how it's done: