Sarcasm Alley

In the Land of Milk and Honey when you die they think it's funny

cheshyre grin

cheshyre grin
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January 01
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The One True
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An ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own.
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Quit your snooping, bitch.

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APRIL 6, 2012 12:51AM

HARRY Inc. Expands! Introducing: HARRY Oil!

Rate: 3 Flag

"Thieving is for when little people steal. I call it good business practice.
The will of the people is to screw the people.
Upon that foundation rests my hallowed corporation.
My holy will be done!"
- Harry's Law

"As I’ve said publicly and repeatedly there are no silver bullets when it comes to gas prices," Obama said on Wednesday.

Hi suckers, morons and losers! First, let me thank you for being my bitches and keeping me rolling in the ill-gotten wealth I so richly deserve. And also let me thank our oh-so-sincere President without whose help I could not so easily line my pockets with your petro dollars. Like taking candy from a baby. I'd feel guilty if I had a conscience!

Of course, it's not stealing if I can brainwash you otherwise. And when you got the Brainwasher in Chief in your back pocket you know you got it made. All day long at the Texas Oil Club and Strip Joint we've been laughing our asses off! We kept rewinding the tape watching it over and over. It never gets old!

"I don’t engage in a SPR release lightly," the president declared in an impromptu appearance at the White House Personal Finance Online Summit.

"You have to factor in how effective is it going to be? How much participation will you get internationally? Are the major oil producers behind the release because they recognize that it’s in their long-term interests?" he explained at the second annual finance summit.

That's right, folks, listen to your President, an oil man's dream come true! First, you cannot kill us vampires because there are NO silver bullets in the entire universe! I can't tell you how important it is to believe that. (you're getting sleepy, sleeeepy). Next, we take our fake solutions very seriously. (HAHAHAHAHAHA!) Sorry, still hard not to laugh.

Buy my stock now before it goes up!

Has there ever been a better time to be an oil man? All my right wing bitches love the thievery and raping, having orgasms on sucking the life out of the poor and weak each and every day. And the left wing bitches can't complain because the President's got his dick in their mouth. Keep sucking on it, bitches, or the world will fall apart!! You is responsible, you is!

"Our production levels are higher than they’ve been in eight years. We’re actually — because the economy has become more efficient, the auto industry in the United States has become more efficient — we’re actually using less oil than we have each year that I’ve been in office," the president said.

Who says evil can't be genius? That goddam moron Bush stuck evildoers with a bad reputation. I may be joining the game late but I don't intend to be shortchanged in my pillaging! So I actually had that line above included when we wrote our bitch's speech. Throw a little reality in there and the little people go, "Gosh, he's really in touch!" Of course, analyzing a problem and solving it are two different things. But heck, if people knew the difference between that they wouldn't be little people!

So, how does one explain sky high gas prices during an historically high time of oil production and historically low time of oil usage? When our busboy President asked me that I told him not to worry. People don't want to hear they're getting ripped off of hundreds of billions of dollars. Did anyone care during the Iraq war? Nah! Does anyone care about why we big shots do anything? Heck, no! If they start asking questions next thing you know someone might start asking questions about them. Don't want that, now do we??


I just told him to mumble something no matter how ludicrous. "Trust me, just sound authoritative and empathetic and you could speak in Swahili and people will buy it. No one listens to the words, just the tone.

He pointed to a combination of factors for the high gasoline prices, including the disappearance of more than a million barrels of oil per day from the world market "in bits and drabs" as well as higher insurance costs for oil tankers based on uncertainty in the Middle East.

Boat insurance will get ya every time! I'm telling ya, there wasn't a dry eye in the club when he came up with that line. We started joking about how anytime someone complained about a price going up it could always be blamed on that darned "boat insurance!" Shit, now I think about it I may just have to branch out again: HARRY Boat Insurance: "Coming to a gas pump near you!"

Trust me, you will buy it - you already have!

"You NEED boat insurance, bitch!"

Of course, unlike me who is one of the good evil people living large at other's expense, there are those who are trying to destroy the world! DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM! THEY WILL FUCK IT UP FOR EVERYONE! ("Everyone" meaning everyone rich, of course)

Some pussy libtard Democraps got suckered in by one of those blame-Wall Street-for-everything liars. Remember, what this liar said can NOT be true or you are the fool of the ages! Do you want to be a fool of the ages?? I thought not! Now that I know you're smart, I can show you what lies not to believe:

Financial speculators are gambling on oil the same way they gambled on the housing market a few years ago — a frightening prospect for the fragile economy, a Democratic congressional committee was told Wednesday.

"It is similar to the gambling Wall Street did on whether or not people would pay their subprime (below-market rate) mortgages in the mortgage meltdown," said Michael Greenberger, a law professor at the University of Maryland and a former federal regulator of financial markets. "Now they are betting on the upward direction of the price of oil."

Repeat after me: "NO silver bullets!"

Folks, there's a reason why he's a FORMER federal regulator: he's a moron! You need a pillar of the community to explain the world to you. I am, after all, successful, and that makes me your all knowing god. (I learned that from watching Tony Robbins). But I want you to see the gall of people like this. They will SAY ANYTHING to get their way!

"It is excessive speculation, which is a fancy word for saying that gamblers wearing Wall Street suits have taken these markets over," he said.

Financial speculators such as investment banks and hedge funds account for at least 65 percent of purchases of contracts for future oil deliveries, more than twice their traditional share, while buyers who intend to actually take delivery of the oil and use it, such as airlines, make up only about one-third of demand. The speculators bid up contract prices, sending oil and gasoline prices higher and reaping them huge profits.

Ohhh, profits! Don't want that now, do we! Bad ol' evil profits! What an asshole! How many of you peasants would have a job out there without profits?? That's right, exactly zero! So when you hear the word "profits" you just need to shut the fuck up and realize your opinion has no value. Efforts to stop us will not be tolerated!

Congress has tried to pressure the Commodity Futures Trading Commission to put limits on how many contracts anyone can buy, but financial interests have stymied CFTC efforts in federal court.

Greenberger suggested several remedies, including a strong Justice Department probe. He said the threat of a serious investigation can be enough to intimidate speculators.

"If there is a real investigation, just the appearance of it will cause these cockroaches to scatter," he said, "because the light will be turned on."

The Energy Information Administration said Wednesday that U.S. crude oil inventories "are above the upper limit of the average range for this time of year." Total motor gasoline inventories also remain in the upper limit of the average range. Both were as of March 30. That means supplies are plentiful; there's no shortage pressure driving prices up.


Who you calling cockroach! This jerk is defying our President! Calling him a liar and deceiver and in the pocket of Wall Street, investment banks and oil industry (oops) and other outrageous fabrications! I am a good American. Our president is a man of integrity and honor. He's intelligent and articulate. He's not like that idiot Bush who gave evildoing a bad name - and that's the most important thing to remember!



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Comments

Type your comment below:
And I'll try not to laugh as I send your kid off to war to get me more oil! Go Freedom Fighters!
But wait, I DON'T HAVE A BOAT!!!

"Get one, then buy the damn insurance!!"

That makes sense!!!!

":D
Riding my bicycle everywhere gets sweeter by the day dear.
I laugh every time I pass a filling station of folks pouring that vile mix in their tanks.
I paid my dues feeding that four wheel drive SUV for 14 years...
Tink, you make a great American consumer!

Mission, that's OK. You still get to pay for the extra transportation costs of anything you buy. Dues never end!

Kate, it's all black market oil!