Sarcasm Alley

In the Land of Milk and Honey when you die they think it's funny

cheshyre grin

cheshyre grin
Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come
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An ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own.
Quit your snooping, bitch.

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MAY 11, 2012 1:02AM

WANTED: Witch Burner (Apply within)

Rate: 5 Flag

Long ago - but not so long ago - during our dark Dark Ages...

Evil Mayor: It's so hard being Mayor. Nobody understands what I go through. Woe is me!

Honest Lackey: I can tell ya one thing, sir. Folks knows what you puts them through!

Evil Mayor: Those yellow-bellied scum dogs! I'll show them. I'll show everyone! How dare they turn against me! Is it my fault our fair berg does so poorly? It's our pathetic citizenry I tell you!

Honest Lackey: Oh, ain't nothin' your fault, boss! But it might help if you wasn't lootin' the treasury to builds ya that fine castle when the food bank's goin' empty.

Evil Mayor: Don't confuse frivolity with necessity. If we put all the money in the food bank how could I build my grand and glorious monument to myself? We're talking history here and the legacy of our city.

Honest Lackey: Oh, that's a fine house you got goin', boss. But the people they resents it sumthin' fierce!

Evil Mayor: Such small minds! They do not appreciate what a fantastic job I've done to rise to such a high position. My exceptionalism amazes even me!

HonestLackey: Oh, you's acceptional, boss. But what folks resent is the fact you's an incompetent bumbling fool in over his head unable to take any sort of responsibility and always blamin' others when things go wrong. And worst of all, you's unable to admit any of that to yaself!

Evil Mayor: Oh no, it couldn't be that, my devoted lackey. I know what the real problem is: Witches! Witches are demons in human form whispering lies in the ears of good people. They are deceivers walking boldly in daylight, casting unwarranted aspersions with the unmitigated gall of a rampaging bull. Damn them! They must be stopped.

Honest Lackey: Excuse me, boss, but ain't ya describin’ ya-self?

Evil Mayor: Did you put that ad in the paper yet? The one for Witch Burner?

Honest Lackey: Been there a week now.

Evil Mayor: And no replies?

Honest Lackey: Well, I thought about it a bit for my self. I'd surely love to barbeque your ass!

Evil Mayor: Be serious!

Honest Lackey: Oh, I's serious, boss! I done got your name spelled out in charcoal. Every night I'm dreamin' of searing you like a slow roasted pig. That'd be a mighty fine sight, it would!

Evil Mayor: That is unacceptable! We've got to get a professional in here before the witches tear this town apart!

Witch Burner knocks and enters

Soulless Witch Burner: Excuse me. Is this where I apply for the job of torching my fellow man?

Evil Mayor: Finally, a voice of reason! Come right in, sir. May I ask if you've done this sort of work before?

Soulless Witch Burner: Oh, yes, the smell of burning flesh is no stranger to these nostrils! I do these kind of projects all the time - therefore I know it must be OK!

Honest Lackey: You must what they call one of them 'useful idiots'!

Soulless Witch Burner: Hey, you -

Evil Mayor: Oh, pay no attention to him. He's just a lackey - he can't be right about anything.

Honest Lackey: That's right, sir. I's just a lackey - and him's a incompetent buffoon and I can see right off you's a wide-mouthed cocksucker too.

Soulless Witch Burner: I don't have to take this shit!

Honest Lackey: Oh, yous'll take it alright, sir - take it right up da ass! You ain't got no other way of makin' it in this world.

Soulless Witch Burner: You saying I get vaunted prestige and slick money out of this?

Evil Mayor: Of that I can guarantee, my good man. You'll be joining an elite group of one - me - in ruling in a lordly and godlike fashion over what I can only describe as our lessers. Giggle.

Soulless Witch Burner: Excuse me, but did you just say "giggle" instead of actually giggling?

Evil Mayor: Why yes I did!

Soulless Witch Burner: Giggle!

Evil Mayor: Oh, I think we're going to get along just fine. First annoying insects we gotta get are those damn homeless bastards always hanging around. God, I hate them! Always making me look bad, the little imps!

Soulless Witch Burner: I quite agree. The homeless are quite tedious. We productive members of society should not have to bear the burden of gazing upon such unseemly creatures. Toast a couple and the rest will depart.

Honest Lackey: Reason there so many homeless cuz your sorry ass let the mill pollute the river so bad they had to shut it down.

Evil Mayor: Can't blame me for the river not doing its job!

Honest Lackey: I got three of my family walkin' homeless cuz of that!

Soulless Witch Burner: Think you could round them up for us?

Honest Lackey: Think I could piss on you head!

Soulless Witch Burner: An inviting proposition but we must deal with the business at hand. Matters of state are most important and what give my life meaning!

Evil Mayor: Oh, Oh! I also want to get that rat bastard French satirist living on the outskirts of town. He's always drawing pictures of me and I never know why people are laughing. That just drives me crazy! I want his ass burnt to a crisp!

Soulless Witch Burner: His behavior can only be described as treasonous when he undermines the authority of the mayor.

Honest Lackey: Unless the rat bastard of a mayor is a traitor. Then it's patriotism!

Soulless Witch Burner: You can count on me, sir, as a man who won't let you down -

Evil Mayor: Thank God I'm God!

Soulless Witch Burner: I'm a proficient arsonist who never questions his orders. I consider that one of my finest traits.

Honest Lackey: What’s wrong with you? Ain't you got no soul? You just gonna burn whoever this man tell you to? What are you some empty-headed puppet without a brain in his head?

Soulless Witch Burner: I'll tell you what I am, boy. I'm a pillar of the community. I have a wife of twelve years, two children and a solid money making career. Your sort of empty jealousy has no effect on me. I serve a purpose greater than myself and that I do not question.

Honest Lackey: You ain't servin' no purpose greater than yaself, you serving a gen-u-ine jack ass!

Soulless Witch Burner: No words you say can dissuade me of my blind hero worship of someone I know to be a good and honorable man.

Evil Mayor: Hear! Hear! I completely concur with my fiery friend. He's a good soul of the finest stock. A rare treat to meet a man of your caliber. Salt of the earth.

Honest Lackey: You two just met five minutes ago! How you know anything about each of ta other?

Evil Mayor and Soulless Witch Burner: We just know.

Honest Lackey: You two ain't men. You teenage girls!

Evil Mayor: Go gather up some wood. We're cooking out tonight!

Town square that evening

Evil Mayor: My friends, my fellow villagers, my devotees of this fine berg I know times have been tough lately. A foul menace has fell upon us. Deeply we have wondered what the source of our tragic condition is because we know it can't be us. We are all good!

Vapid Villagers: We are all good!

Vapid Villagers: We are fine and decent folk!

Evil Mayor: But there are those who betray the trust that the fabric upon which any society must rely. No system ever invented nor mandated by man can substitute for that trust. We will never find freedom at the end of a sword or by threat of hunger. It is a trust that must be given freely and without reserve, to serve ourselves by serving others, to share both our woes and good fortune. No law of man can give us a future, only the kindness of our hearts!

Vapid Villagers: Let's hear it for the mayor! He speaks God's honest truth. Let him guide us to salvation!

Honest Lackey [mutters]: That man is the devil hisself!

Evil Mayor: Thank you my wonderful neighbors of love, I humbly accept your mandate. And that is why with boundless joy tonight I present to you not one, but two witches among us!

Homeless Man: How does shittin' in the woods make me a witch?

Evil Mayor: Good villagers, we all do love a good and delicious lie, don't we?

Vapid Villagers: Giggle!

Evil Mayor: Gather 'round as I tell you a tale of unrelenting greed and malice aforethought. These two men before us may appear haggard and poor but they are mean as rattlesnakes!

Child: But he gave me some fruit one time

Parent: Shut up, you're ruining our cover story.

Evil Mayor: These are two men who hatched a plot to loot us down to the last dime. Nothing was ever enough! But their low nature has been punished by God and made them destitute. For it is God in Heaven who rewards the righteous. Has not everyone seen my large castle!

Vapid Villagers: Truly a man of God he is!

Evil Mayor: But God also punishes us for allowing evil to live among us!

First homeless man burps. Second one farts.

Evil Mayor: What more proof do you need? Let us purify ourselves and celebrate our ensuing change of fortune. Trust me, as soon as we flame broil these villains there'll be magic beans for everyone! And a golden goose to boot!

Vapid Villagers: Magic beans! Golden goose! Who cares if it's true? Sounds great to us!

Honest Lackey [Shaking head]: Don't you know when history come along they gonna call you nothing but 'useful idiots'?

Vapid Villager: Thanks! I always wanted be called useful!

Honest Lackey [Looks to the sky]: Lord, help them, they deserves what they gonna get!

Next day in the castle

Evil Mayor: Look at this morning paper! It shows a cartoon of my one hand picking the pockets of our good citizens and the other pointing to an innocent man to take the blame. It's an outrage!

Honest Lackey: It's the truth!

Evil Mayor: That's beside the point, you moron. There is nothing so irrelevant as the truth. The only thing that matters is what can be sold as the truth. That's the difference between you and me -

Honest Lackey: Honesty!

Evil Mayor: Political sophistication! Now get me that witch burner. There's a French I want to fry.

Honest Lackey: Boy howdy! Ain't barbaric cruelty fun!

Soulless Witch Burner: You called for a fire, sir?

Evil Mayor: Here already! Excellent, how helpful to the plot.

Soulless Witch Burner: Have you seen the latest polls? You are being hailed for your - and I quote - "transformational leadership during times of crisis" unquote.

Evil Mayor: Fantastical! Raise their taxes 25%. They want to be doormats I'm going stomp on them with my walking boots I am!

Soulless Witch Burner: But there's also this disturbing cartoon...

Evil Mayor: I saw that. As soon as my taxes makes their lives even more miserable I'll blame our ills on that bastard until he's nothing but a pile of ashes. Then I'll screw these townspeople even harder. HAHAHAHA!

Honest Lackey: Lordy, I don't know why these folks don't up and kill yo sorry ass!

Evil Mayor: Same reason they don't kill themselves: I'm one of them.

Soulless Witch Burner: There's this new liquid called kerosene I've been dying to try. Should make the flames shoot twice as high. Every soul watching will think he's twice the witch!

Evil Mayor: Perfectly wicked!

Honest Lackey: It's for sure an asshole's world in these dark times. Here you make this fine speech on trust and you do nothin' but stick a knife in it every chance you get. What wrong with you? How you ever get to be mayor no how??

Evil Mayor: I was appointed like anyone else: I gave a blow job to the king.

Soulless Witch Burner: I gave him two! Was most exciting delighting the royal penis.

Honest Lackey: Ain't no such thing as royalty you idgets! That just something made up by dumb people so other dumb people won't feel dumb. If my dick was in your mouth how would you feel then?

Evil Mayor And Soulless Witch Burner: Dumb!

Honest Lackey: My point exactly!

Evil Mayor: Quit your rambling and get some wood.

Soulless Witch Burner: And bring over that large black barrel by my hut.

Honest Lackey: It's for sure an asshole world...

Evil Mayor addresses the enemy within

Evil Mayor: Well now, Mr. Smart Guy, you thought the pen was mightier than the word, eh? That's only true with people who give a damn and nobody here does that. And before God or anyone else finds out just how true your little cartoon is you're going to be subjected to one of the most insane acts in human history. No dignity for you, bitch!

Insightful Satirist: Can I make a final request?

Evil Mayor: Yes, but only because I'm going to deny it.

Insightful Satirist: Suck my dick!

Evil Mayor: How dare you speak to me like that! Nobody is allowed to publicly define my character! As soon as you die I get to keep the lie!

Insightful Satirist: Better hurry before God finds out!

Evil Mayor: There's no God on this earth.

Insightful Satirist: No God where you're going either!

Evil Mayor: Enough of you! I'm off to sulk.

Town square again - but something smells

Evil Mayor: My good people I know you are angry. I would be too!

Vapid Villagers: We want magic beans! We want the golden goose! We want rainbows and unicorns!

Evil Mayor: And you shall have them! But it's the enemy within whom we must defeat. No longer can we go on in good conscience denying who we are; for as we love we are love. Knowing that is greater than any magic bean or even any amount of gold. Facing that builds an unshakable foundation for our society. We embrace the rock the previous builders rejected!

Vapid Villagers: Yay, us!

Evil Mayor: But just as one man can poison the well of an entire city so does one man stand in the way of our success. What we shall do tonight will establish our city for a thousand years!

An aside to the arsonist

Evil Mayor: What in the heck is that smell?

Soulless Witch Burner: That's the kerosene. I spread it over the entire village.

Evil Mayor: What did you do that for?

Soulless Witch Burner: I just love humiliating these idiots. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Giggle!

Evil Mayor: Know what you mean! Giggle.

Soulless Witch Burner: I told them it would make the magic beans grow and they were like, "Pour on some more!" Hahaha!

Evil Mayor: Go ahead, light her up! This is going to be one funny night!

Deep in the Black Forest two men are hunted for their lives

Soulless Witch Burner: Boy, are they pissed! What did they think was going to happen when a wood village is soaked in flammable liquid?

Evil Mayor: This ever happen to you before?

Soulless Witch Burner: Oh, this happens every time. If I couldn't keep finding a fresh stock of willfully ignorant ignoramuses I'd be toast.

Evil Mayor: Well, this screws up everything. My whole life's plan was dependent on my dying before everyone found out I'm an asshole.

Soulless Witch Burner: What can we do now when the savages know the truth?

Evil Mayor: The king! His power rests on a lie too! We'll tell him they are all a bunch of witch lovers who turned on us and if he doesn't kill them witches will take over the kingdom!

Soulless Witch Burner: Brilliant! We can live a lie until we die after all!

Evil Mayor: That stupid ol' lackey was right: it's a liar's world. And whoever lies the most wins!

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Different clothes, same behavior. We never change.

~wanders off for more wood~
It is going to have to be a very large bonfire...

I'll bring marshmallows and hot dogs....
I showed this to my lovely wife ( a REAL witch ) and she said, " laugh now they usually burn innocents. Who do you think made the priests child molesters and half the world gay." She's scary I'm tellin' you......o/e great post....r******
Witch burners certainly burned down your village, Tink. Read it again substituing CEO for mayor and IT Hatchet Man for witch burner.

Mission, that's about all we got left.

o/e, witches don't bother me. Men in suits scare the hell out of me.