Hi, folks, it's me, Floyd R Turbo, American. And I'm a good American! And like all good Americans I'm a happy American. After all, whoever heard of an unhappy good American!
My only wish is everyone to feel this way! We need to pull together if we're going to make it. All for one - and maybe even that second part. Seems not everyone is getting the message out there, but I, Floyd R Turbo, am here today to tell you!
My friend Robertson was over the other day and we got to talking while sharing a can of mighty delish dog food. Robertson says to me, "Floyd, why you watching that Travel Channel when you know you ain't never gonna see them places?"
"Easy!" I says. "One day that's gonna be me in Tahiti! And in the meantime I am a good American and support those who can go. We gotta help those rich folks out or we doomed as a country! And I, Floyd R Turbo, am a patriot!"
"You's a damn fool! Ain't no rich man give a damn about you. You ain't goin' nowhere!"
"No poor man ever gave me a job! Remember Mr. Cheney hiring me last summer? Your roadkill ass never offered me any sort of job!"
"I remember he never paid you a dime!"
"But he gave me work!
"Why didn't you ask for the money, you ignorant blockhead?"
"Because that's class warfare! What kind of American are you, Robertson?"
"Kind interested in living!"
"It's people like you tearing up this fine country of ours! Always wanting a free ride, trying to get something for nothing! Why don't you go occupy an unemployment line."
"You know you get a welfare check every week. What you talking about?"
"That's just me getting what I deserve. I'm a good American, not like those hell raisin' kids causing all the trouble."
"All those kids are saying is for them rich folks to stop getting a free ride."
"You outta your mind! Ain't nothing good about us dying!"
"That's right! That's why you gotta support the rich man! What are you, stupid? Don't you got any idea what's in your best int'rest?"
"Hell, yeah! I hear it on the news every day! You think those damn protesters ever watch any news? Hell, no! Thats' why they fall for everything they hear!"
"You keep describing yourself!"
"Oh, shut up - hey, hey, lookit that! Hey baby, come to papa! See that honey there? That's what the rich man gets! Even if he's butt ugly as you!"
"I just can't compete with you in your fantasy world!"
"That's no fantasy! That's actual factoid! You just ain't a man of the world like me, Floyd R Turbo!"
"You ain't livin' in no world I wanna live in! You OK with a rich man rippin' you off but beat up a poor man for a nickel! You want a man stealing bread locked up for life but the banker who made it so he couldn't get no bread walk around free as a bird! You mean to sit over there and tell me an honest day's pay for an honest day's work is going to wreck this country?"
"Heck, ya! I told you I been watching the news every day! You just jealous 'cause I got so much to live for and you don't!"
"Your mind is mush! Ain't nothing you been doin' ever done work for you!"
"But it might tomorrow! I got faith! Like I keep telling you, I'm a good American!"
"Just tell me one thing: what makes you so sure you're a good American??"
"Because a good American is a greedy American!"