Sometimes a boy's just got to get his ya-yas out to make him feel better. That's when I grabs me a gun and some gas-o-line!
Home invasions are vastly under-rated as a form of self-entertainment. All the shrieking and wailing is hilarious! Why is it everyone expects to be safe? Life is hard. Deal with it!
So after I get me a family cornered, I cover them in duct tape like Egyptian mummies where they can't move not at all. Only thing I leave open is their mouths cuz they so funny to listen to!
Usually goes something like this. "You're not going to get away with this! I'm going to get you if it's the last I thing I do! Blah, blah, blah!" It's funny to see what it takes for some folks to start standing up for themselves. Amazing what a little terror can do! Now that you're helpless and I got a gun on you, NOW you start fighting. Too late, bitch!
But I does enjoy the conversation. "Won't get away it? Been doing this for years. Millions do it every day! Have been since like forever. Somebody's got to pay for my sins - ain't gonna be me!"
When I tell that to them they really starts to squirm! Only guy who didn't get pissed when I said that was this investment banker dude. Guess he been doin' same thing for too long to notice.
But despite my impeccable logic, they still keep bitching! That's when I got to set them straight.
"You people got a home! Tons of folks out there got no home at all. People starving, bombs dropping, shit happening everywhere. You people need to shut the fuck up and appreciate what you got! Just because I'm fixin' to burn it all down is no reason to complain - ever!"
That's when they usually start calling me all sorts of names. I'm telling you I learn me some nifty new words this way. Then I gotta wag my finger and asks them just what they think they gonna accomplish by calling folks names? Grow up, peeps! You need to be discussing things in a civilized manner. Pretty bad when a murder arsonist has to teach you manners! Get a grip!
But the real screaming starts when I start pouring the gasoline. Just something about the smell of it that excites me like nothing else. Gets them duct tape mummies all riled up too. I don't pay them no mind. I'm having too much fun! If peeps is angry and name callin' and bitchin', you just know they in the wrong!
"Yeehaw! I feel just like them medieval priests burning people at the stake - or maybe even a President. If only I could get my hands on a drone like the big boys got! What's this world coming to when you let folks like that be running around? Oh, yeah, it's come to this!"
It's when the flames first start I first start thinking about the afterwards. Them media hacks is so funny too! Sometimes I pick a black family and they start saying I must hate niggers. Or I hit rich white folks and they say I'm pissed cuz I'm poor. Or saying I got them muslims cuz I'm angry about 9/11. I just love listening to them trying to figure it all out when there ain't nothing to figure out!
Ain't no big mystery. I'm just getting my ya-ya's out!