Today is my birthday.  This is it – I’m 45.  Middle-aged.  That is, of course, if I live to be at least 90.  If that’s not my destiny, it means my life is already more than half over.  It’s common around this age to begin reviewing your life, going over past choices,  mistakes, and the roads not taken, trying to figure out who and what you are and what you still want to accomplish.  At 45 I’m a good five years into the panicked introspection that comes with the realization that the “girls” are relocating south, the word “hippy” now describes something besides your political demographic and you haven’t backpacked through Europe or written that novel yet.  My age doesn’t exactly bother me; 40 didn’t even register.  But 45?  Suddenly 50 seems so much closer.  I am definitely feeling the pressure to find myself.  You know, before I have trouble remembering exactly what I was looking for.

Who am I?  I like being alone; I don’t like large groups.  I like organizing things; I don’t like working in an office.  I like being a wife and mother; I don’t like the way almost every second of my personal time is sucked up by other people’s needs.  I don’t like cleaning, sewing or cooking, and don’t actually care about having a house at all – I would have enjoyed living my entire life in one room or, even better, a hotel.  I don’t really notice mess or things out of place unless I trip over it; I have cobwebs in my ceiling corners because I never think to look up.  I don’t decorate; I don’t care if my tea towels complement my appliances.  I am not materialistic; my car is used and I buy most stuff second hand.  I don’t care about clothes or makeup.  I don’t care about jewellery, except for my wedding ring.  I don’t like noise, or crowds.  I like nature, and quiet.  I like sitting by the water, walking through the woods, riding horses, and watching my children play.  I like watching movies, reading books and writing.  I like watching my husband work, run, laugh, sleep, breathe and lift anything heavy.

What have I learned?  If I jump in to take care of other people’s problems they will expect me to do it forever, and act like I’m doing something wrong if I stop.  Don’t borrow money for anything except a house and, if necessary, a car – everything else can wait while you save your cash.  Sacrificing your dreams for someone else will make them happy, but you resentful if they don’t reciprocate.  Decisions should be based on what you really want and not on what is safe and secure.  Don’t judge the success or failure of your life by other people’s standards.  Choosing not to do something today because of a fear of what might happen twenty years down the road is ridiculous; live to satisfy the person you are today.  Making lists like this is proof positive that you are getting older - people under 30 don't do this.

What do I want to do?    Quit my job in June.  Take the summer off.  Join my husband running Get ’Er Done.  Take a landscaping course and work outside  – no more sitting in a damn chair.  Get another horse.  Become a freelance travel writer.   Take my kids to Disney World.  Change my appearance – lose the weight, get contacts, cut my hair into a shorter style and dye it auburn – yeh baby!  Act, and dance, and write.  Volunteer at Habitat for Humanity.  Take pottery classes.  Buy the latest Kobo and a DSLR camera.   Take a photography course and sell my pictures.  Travel – I haven’t travelled much since I left home, and it is the thing I wanted to do most.  When my kids are grown I want to buy a camper van and drive all over North America – I’ll come home after I’ve seen everything. Then I’ll head to the British Isles, then Europe.  I want to learn foreign languages and see every museum on every continent.  I want to take my kids to England and spend a night in Langley Castle (their last name is Langley).  I want to buy a boat and meander through the Caribbean and South Pacific.  I want to see a Komodo Dragon on the Galapagos Islands.  I want to see the Smithsonian, whales and the catacombs in Palermo, Italy.  And I’m going to stop now because this could go on for pages.

Who do I want to be?  I want to be a more spontaneous person, more open to adventure and experience, and stop worrying about what could go wrong all the time.  I look around and I see a world where other people are meeting challenges and enjoying life.  Women are starting businesses.  Kids are climbing mountains or sailing around the world on their own boat, setting world records before they are even old enough to vote.  Others are quitting their jobs to travel around their country, or around the world. Even people who don’t do extraordinary things are doing little things, like joining friends for a book club night, volunteering in their community or taking dance lessons.  I have always had a difficult time separating myself from my job as "mom," but my kids are getting more independent now and it’s high time I started doing some things for myself.  I want to be the fun one for a change.  I’m tired of being the responsible one.

How do I make (any of) this happen?  My hubby and I are going to increase our payments and try to get rid of this debt within the year.  As soon as it’s gone, I’m going look for a part time legal secretary job so I will have a couple days a week to spend time with my family, work with my husband and write.  Eventually I will be in a position to toss the office altogether.

I am not bummed about being 45.  I think the next 20 years are going to the best ones yet, full of new opportunities and experiences.  I don’t really mind getting older, as long as I am not getting old.  I don’t mind looking older, as long as my reflection shows my husband still beside me.  We’ve been back together seven years now and it’s gone by too fast.  My goal for the next 20 years is to try to slow things down a little, and enjoy it more.  My midlife isn’t going to be a crisis – I’m going to knock this one out of the park.

Be on the alert to recognize your prime at whatever time of your life it may occur.  ~Muriel Spark

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.  ~Samuel Ullman