While the view you have of yourself may depend more on self-esteem than on objective reality, self-esteem is tricky to pin down. What are we supposed to think when we receive so much advice with so little consistency? Consider these examples (my comments in parenthesis):

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.” ~George Carlin (If you agree, do you have self-esteem issues?)

“Don’t flatter yourself.” ~My friends and relatives and perhaps yours (Why the hell not? Someone should flatter you.)

“In any culture, subculture, or family in which belief is valued above thought, and self-surrender is valued above self-expression, and conformity is valued above integrity, those who preserve their self-esteem are likely to be heroic exceptions.” ~Nathaniel Branden (Do those who go along to get along join the Tea Party?)

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand brake on.” ~Maxwell Maltz (So shift into overdrive!)

“Self-esteem isn't everything; it's just that there's nothing without it.” ~Gloria Steinhem (Nothing?)

“The strongest single factor in prosperity consciousness is self-esteem: believing you can do it, believing you deserve it, believing you will get it.” ~Jerry Gillies (I wish.)

“My mom raised me so wonderfully. She gave me self esteem and made me appreciate my flaws, as well as my strengths.” ~Kirsten Dunst (Good goddess! Was there no room for improvement?)

“Most urgently, women's identity must be premised upon our ‘beauty’ so that we will remain vulnerable to outside approval, carrying the vital sensitive organ of self-esteem exposed to the air.” ~Naomi Wolf (For instance, high high high heels, which anthropologists say shift woman into mating posture but which are murder on the back.)

“There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity.” ~Nathaniel Branden (So it’s unselfish to have high self-esteem. Nice.)

“Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with your self esteem.” ~Kurt Cobain (Including his life. An extreme example.)

“Outstanding leaders go out of their way to boost the self-esteem of their personnel. If people believe in themselves, it's amazing what they can accomplish.” ~Sam Walton (His store’s "personnel" sued for unfair practices.)

“Every new adjustment is a crisis in self-esteem.” ~Eric Hoffer (Yup.)

“I have low self-esteem, but I express it the healthy way... by eating a box of Double-Stuff Oreos.” ~Cynthia Nixon (For me, it’s a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. What about you?)

Mayo Clinic has my number and maybe yours when they describe how we behave when our esteem is low: “Eating when not hungry, avoiding tasks, working more than usual, spending increased time alone, obsessing about a situation or blaming others for your problems.” http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-esteem/MH00129

One of my ex-husbands also had a useful insight, advising me not to “make up scenarios and then believe them.” Boy, was he right. Too many times, I’ve explained someone else’s behavior to myself only to discover later that the reality is one I never considered. If I don’t hear from my old friend Grace for an unusually long time, I assume she’s dropped me. Then I talk to a mutual friend who says, “Did you hear about Grace’s auto accident? Recuperation is taking a long time, and I know she’d love to hear from you.”

So now I know Grace is still my friend, but I have a new self-esteem issue: why didn’t I check up on Grace months ago?

How often do you pat yourself on the back and say, “I did that well,” or “I was good in a tough situation,” or “I’m proud of what I accomplished”? Maybe we should keep diaries in which we write only the best things we did or thought each day. And give ourselves a break (I might write, “I ate only half a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.”).

Another useful step, if you can bring it off, is to abandon problems extending far into the past for why you have certain problems. Of course, if your mother is an alcoholic, then you have a legitimate genetic reason to get to AA fast if you begin to drink too much. But if your father was a bastard whom no one in the family could ever count on, it may be time to say aloud to him (when he’s not around), "You’re not going to hurt me any more. I’m going to have a good life and enjoy it despite how you undermined my self-confidence.”

Self-help books are another tool. I was able to leave an unhappy marriage only after I read and underlined Melody Beatty’s books on codependence. Then I delivered one of her scripts verbatim when I stood up for myself. And that was the beginning of the end of the marriage.

Giving myself credit for extricating myself from codependence, I hear a voice in my head from long ago say, “Don’t get too big for your britches.”

For society, the most costly fallout from individuals’ lack of self-esteem is the talent that is wasted and the contributions that are not made because people who could achieve more than they do don’t believe they can and don’t try.

It's much easier to appear self-confident than to feel self-confident. But despite put-down voices in our heads, we can move in a positive direction. In addition to taking credit for our accomplishments and strengths, we can accept compliments gracefully and without protest. We can even smile at ourselves in the mirror and say, “Here’s looking at you kid.” It’s not Bogie saying it, but the appreciation is, at least on good days, real.