Hayley's Comments

Introspection on Healing, Vegetarianism, and Life

Hayley Rose

Hayley Rose
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December 31
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Bio
I was born when Halley’s Comet last appeared overhead and named accordingly. Since then, I've become a writer, artist, and columnist. In addition to Open Salon, my work appears frequently in The Huffington Post, All Things Healing, Gender Across Borders: A Global Feminist Blog, and several other publications. I blog daily at my site HayleysComments.com I recently published my first book, "I Know Why They Call a Shell a Shell." The book is about domestic violence, a topic that I am very vocal about. It chronicles my journey away from tumultuous love affairs by weaving stories of her past with stories from literature, music, and visual art of both modern and classical significance. Find me on Twitter @HRoseStudios

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 15, 2012 1:00AM

Chris Brown: Acting like Chris Brown, Again

Rate: 10 Flag

In recent news, Chris Brown was caught acting like Chris Brown, again, and I’m not surprised.

As you know I rarely say anything bad about anybody, minus Chris Brown, my uncle, and that horrible ex-boyfriend I bring up every once in a while. I don’t really hold grudges against people either…well okay, there are a few, and one of them happens to be Chris Brown. Though I do not know him or Rihanna personally, I cannot stand him for what he did to her. I never saw a black eye that bad in my life, the fact that it was on the face of a petite girl only amplifies its intensity. Though it’s not my place to judge, after his appearance at the Grammy’s this week, I find myself wondering if someone like him deserves forgiveness or should be doomed to a life of social purgatory.

A friend once told me a story about a time that they were waiting for their flight in an airport terminal. Airport terminals aren’t loud but they can be fairly noisy. As he was waiting for the plane to board, the room suddenly became completely silent: you could hear the cliched pin drop. Why did everyone stop talking? He wondered, and then he got his answer when he saw OJ Simpson walk by.

There is no doubt in my mind that this is the way OJ was greeted every time he went out in public- until he was incarcerated, again. Does Chris Brown deserve this kind of treatment? Again, it’s not for me to say, but I know if I came face to face with him, I certainly wouldn’t give him the time of day. I think the only way to judge a situation like his is to think about his character and if it has improved since he got caught beating Rihanna. I say got caught because it is pretty hard to believe, with the severity of her injuries, that this was the first time in his life that he slipped and lost control of his fists.

Since then, there was the time he appeared on Good Morning America last March and flew into a rage after an interview where Robin Roberts asked him about the infamous night. He stormed off to his dressing room where authorities later discovered a chair had been used to smash one of the room’s windows. Most recently, on Grammy night, he left a Tweet boasting about his Grammy win, “HATE ALL YOU WANT BECAUSE I GOT A GRAMMY NOW. That’s the ultimate Fuck Off!”

Why the rage? Clearly this man lacks maturity and needs more anger management classes. After speaking to many domestic violence experts I have learned that a very small percentage of abusers, like Brown, change. And by small I mean less than 1%. Few of these men have the capacity to transform or the desire to change into peaceful members of society.

I know someone who has been to his parties and has hung out with Brown on more than one occasion. She says he’s a cool guy and a generous host. I am not sure if she is saying this as a way of exonerating him (or herself for hanging out with him)- regardless all I have to say is- of course he is kind and wonderful! Abusers have to suck their future victims in somehow- and it certainly won’t work if they punch you in the face right off the bat, now would it? Exactly, case closed. It’s just a matter of time before he blows up again.

I don't care what anybody says. He looks menacing, to me.

Hayley's Comments 2012

 

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I thought I commented on this..YIKES!!!
This guy will never ever change.
Scum is as Scum does.
HUGGGGGGGGGG

CONGRATS ON THE EP
agreed- thanks Linda :)
This one is complicated for me. A kid in a class I was subbing for the other day said that Brown shouldn't have been allowed back at the Grammys. I defended him. "Unless another incident of abuse comes to light, " I intoned with teacherly assurance," he should be allowed to resume his career at some point. We all need second chances." Even as I said the words, deep down there was a lingering ambivalence.

My close friend was hit only once by her now ex-husband. We all warned her of the odds, but she felt she knew best. He never touched her again in all the remaining years of their marriage. Not so much as a raised hand. He was so contrite, he never even raised his voice to her again. In case you're wondering, we were very close and I would have known if he had. Sure this kind of one-off may be rare, but it's at least possible.

I remember being appalled hearing of the Brown/ GMA incident. Doesn't he have handlers warning him against this kind of behavior I thought. But then again, perhaps he's truly troubled and trying hard to be a better man. We just can't really know for sure unless we learn of another attack? As far as his slightly hostile, juvenile tweet; stupidity is not a crime. I'll bet if you look into his background you'll find some bad parenting somewhere.
I have no problem with someone getting a second chance. However, that should be preceded by genuine remorse, humility for one's crimes, and a clear sense about why what you did was wrong. Chris Brown has never displayed any of these. He has always seemed annoyed at having to answer for his behavior, angered when his behavior contributed to declining sales, and smirked when his popularity rebounded. He clearly has not addressed any of his issues, and still seems to possess an anger that can explode at any moment. He disgusts me, and the Grammys disgusted me for giving him such a prominent spot on the show.
Chris Brown has a Grammy. FUCK YOU. (or, that's what he would say, anyway)
I dated someone who turned out to be a thug, but he thinks he's a good guy. Just because you don't hit someone all the time, or you do something nice or good now and then, doesn't get you off the hook. No reason to believe anyone can change their stripes, but sometimes you find out they've been covering them for a while. Amazingly, when a guy gets angry and you and lashes out and hits you, and you get mad, he gets mad at you for getting mad. If only you were a better person, you wouldn't make him hit you... yeah. It's a shame they keep rewarding him with all the kudos, is there really no one better?
So many insights in this post. I wish I could also rate Cranky's comment. Old habits die hard and I'm still too ready to give the benefit of the doubt but there's no doubt with people like him. Once I know for sure what someone is like I feel free to cut them from my life. I wouldn't buy anything of his, I flip the channel if a Mel Gibson movie comes on.

I can understand why so few of these people change, why should they, they're still getting all the goodies. When there is social and financial incentive for people to change, then they'll make the effort. Until then, I'm free not to support them financially and I don't have to treat them with respect they haven't earned. Having a Grammy doesn't make him any less of a useless hole.
Bluestocking- Thanks for commenting- in a classroom I can definitely see how your explanation is very useful- you must remain somewhat impartial- however I agree with Cranky Cuss who brings up some good points- namely that Brown doesn't show remorse and "Chris Brown has never displayed any of these. He has always seemed annoyed at having to answer for his behavior, angered when his behavior contributed to declining sales, and smirked when his popularity rebounded. "

Cranky Cuss- you sure did a good job of articulating exactly what I was thinking but could not put into words. I think you're right on the money!

Oryoki- "Amazingly, when a guy gets angry and you and lashes out and hits you, and you get mad, he gets mad at you for getting mad. " Ha- have I run into this one! It sounds like you dated a "thug" indeed- I really like your word choice for describing this type of male
L'heure- Cranky made some excellent points- agreed!!! I love how you change the channel everytime a Mel Gibson flick comes on tv- I do the same thing with my radio when a Chris Brown song shows up!!
"I can understand why so few of these people change, why should they, they're still getting all the goodies. " Bingo. Sad
I didn't really have a sense of his lack of remorse. You and Cranky are absolutely right about that. The lack says a lot. I just hadn't followed the story closely enough to know about his bad attitude beyond the GMA incident and the tweet you mentioned here. Point taken.
I agree totally with everything Cranky Cuss says, and I doubt I could have said it better.

After the awards, I hit up a few places where it was being discussed and spent some time reiterating my horror at his apparently being forgiven. Then I received a link to a list of tweets from various female Chris Brown fans on the night. My despair just grew deeper as I read tweet after tweet asking, even begging, for Chris Brown to appear on their doorstep like a knight in shining armor, and pummel their faces like he did to Rihanna:

http://storify.com/thisisjorge/women-on-twitter-saying-chris-brown-can-beat-them

After reading all that, I stopped caring about Chris Brown.

I remembered that our society has developed in such a way that sociopaths are significantly more likely to achieve fame and monetary success than regular folks like me & you.

And we live in a society that will reward a woman with fame and wealth simply for being Chris Brown's next victim. If she's smart, she could set herself up for life - if not from the payment to keep quiet, then from the exclusive rights to her story & photos of the damage.

I'm not making *any* sweeping generalisations about all women. I'm definitely not excusing Chris, or blaming Rihanna, or accusing her of getting beat up on purpose.

But I'm not going to try and pretend this is new, or Chris Brown's case is an aberration. Joe DiMaggio used to beat Marilyn Monroe at least as bad as Rihanna got hit by Chris. There's a near-infinite list of similar examples going back as far as historians have thought that a woman being beaten was worth reporting.

John Lennon freely admitted in later years that he used his fists on every woman he had ever loved, until he met Yoko. But at least he really was sorry.

I don't know if I have a point, but that list of tweets from the Grammy night really fucked up my entire conception of Chris Brown vs Everyone. My opinion of him hasn't changed one iota, but it's difficult to get angry about him when so many women apparently disagree with me.
I have a difficult time understanding how the Grammys (or any other telecast) can justify allowing him to perform. Why is violence toward women (or anyone) ok? Why should we forget about what he did? I honestly don't get it.
The guy is 22 years old NOW.

He was a teenager when it happened.

Now he is serving lifetime purgatory.

I'm glad he won a Grammy.
I don't really get the need for people to continue to punish this guy.

He pled guilty to a felony. Did six months of community service. Attended a year of counseling. And lost a woman he was in love with.

No problem with these consequences. But to continue to bring it up for the rest of the guy's life?

Seems to have made his peace with Rhianna.

Since he was 19 when this happened, and since he has apologized for this innumerable times, I don't get the continuing hatred toward him.

This idea that he falls into some immutable pattern of abuse that some women have experienced .... doesn't mean that it fits him.

I would say the comments reflect more on the people making them than on Brown.

And, yea. He needs better handlers. And someone to monitor his twitter. To a lot of people, he is going to be a permanent symbol of their experience with an abusive guy. He does need to understand that and then move on.
Now I don't feel guilty for changing the channel as soon as he was about to perform on Sunday night. Jerk.
For Nick Carraway: here's why Chris Brown is still held in disdain by most of us. From the New York Daily News last March:

"Troubled R&B singer Chris Brown had a major meltdown at the "Good Morning America" studios Tuesday, smashing a window and storming out shirtless after being asked about former gal-pal Rihanna.

"He looked like he wanted to kill somebody," said a "GMA" insider. "He went completely nuts. He just walked off the set, ripped off his shirt and went into the room and threw a chair and broke the window."

"It was incredible. He didn't say a word. Not a word. He just went berserk," the source added. "

He doesn't like a guy who has begun to grasp the consequences of what he did.
Negative images of black males in particular always make the front pages. Congrats on being an editor's pick. Another OS writer friend of mine wrote a great article about a white child who painted a picture with a bullet wound in President Obama's head. She received one comment from one remorseful republican.

Sure what Chris Brown did was horribly wrong, but do you really have to bring up OJ? Nothing against you or your well-written article or your judgment calls or your opinion. Violence against women is pervasive and despicable, but this article only perpetuates the myth that black men are monsters and demons and should never be forgiven.
Hey who was the guy from KISS that beat his wife and drug her through broken glass and had the four containers of dead dogs, but wasn't charged for it? I'm thinking that maybe the reason that story didn't have legs is because the perpetrator was white, any thoughts? Because I'm sure if you passed by that douche bag in an airport you wouldn't think anything of it? What do you think? It seems to me if Chris Brown was beating women we would know about it because you all love to lynch black men and leave them on the tree. OJ would have been guilty if he had been in another state, who are you guys kidding?
By the way his comments were in response to people in the industry making comments that he shouldn't be allowed to come to the awards. This is his livelihood, he has done what was required of him by law, and the fact that some people feel that they can continue to punish him would make me angry too. In fact it is like you people want to taunt him until he does lose it. I wonder which of you would be able to handle it if you had to pay for your mistakes over and over again for years on end. I also wonder why you have so much invested in this man. You are aware Rihanna had to testify to lift the restraining order so that he could attend industry functions, right?
By the way his comments were in response to people in the industry making comments that he shouldn't be allowed to come to the awards. This is his livelihood, he has done what was required of him by law, and the fact that some people feel that they can continue to punish him would make me angry too. In fact it is like you people want to taunt him until he does lose it. I wonder which of you would be able to handle it if you had to pay for your mistakes over and over again for years on end. I also wonder why you have so much invested in this man. You are aware Rihanna had to testify to lift the restraining order so that he could attend industry functions, right?
I do remember Mel Gibson how come he didn't get drug up in your post? It had to be pointed out that Black men most assuredly will forever be labeled regardless of a jury decision, and that you for good measure did bring up OJ. YOU remembered Mel Gibson after two Black women pointed out what your article was really about. His case as well as the KISS members cases are far more current. And I asked about the guy from KISS because I wanted to see if you could even name him. And isn't it odd that you can't or won't when clearly beating and dragging your wife through broken glass would certainly be as bad as beating your girlfriend. What June and I are saying is this article is part of a larger problem where you zero in on the behavior of a Black man then forever associate the behavior with Black men. Your article was a case study in THAT behavior. Mel Gibson is a bad guy too is a pretty tepid condemnation of what he did, probably because you had to search your memory to even come up with a white counterpart. To associate a tweet with beating his girlfriend was a reach but hey the editors picked it, so it must be relevant. I studied journalism and you know what editors do they associate minority news with negative news. In fact they conflate the two so that when you think of criminal behavior it has a color and the color isn't white. That's what I learned and they have proved it out in their picks. So I hope you feel good about the honor, and I hope you understood why you got it too.
I think Taylor and her gal pals showed him up for the douche he is...
This is not about black or white. IT'S ABOUT HIM still BEING UNREPENTANT, arrogant, and petulant, not to mention really immature in his "tweets." Michael Vick seems to have come around, and I forgive him. Brown? Not a chance, until and unless he demonstrates some clue that he "gets it."
konakathie your ability to forgive is relevant why? I'm sure you aren't his audience, and his behavior is that of a free man acting freely. You feeling that you have some control over his behavior in order for him to be acceptable for you isn't about him it is clearly about you. To conflate his tweets with him beating his girlfriend is more than a stretch. He could have been rolling on the floor laughing when he told those who hope his work never gets recognized because they hold some moral authority over his product to f*ck off. You seem to think very highly of yourself and your offer of forgiveness, which is mighty white of you, I'm sure Michael Vick will sleep well tonight knowing you've forgiven him.
It's not a black or white issue. It's an abuse issue. Chris Brown is an abuser. He has never, ever shown his remorse. He may never, ever stop abusing women, either. Unless and until he and other abusers are subjected to intensive counseling, abusers continue their vicious cycles of abuse on anybody they perceive as weak, and their victims are usually women.
And his "fuck off" attitude is yet another negative which will continue to get Chris Brown into dilemmas, the consequences of which are further proof that he needs help. I don't want any child to consider him a role model.
"He doesn't like a guy who has begun to grasp the consequences of what he did."

Cuss ....

Seems more like an anger management issue than the profile of a classic abuser (whatever that is).

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions on this.

At 22, he is still a young guy and I would be happy if he can move forward with his life.
Yeah Belinda, the same way that Jan Brewer stated that the President was menacing her when they met at the airport, what is the last thing on this post? A young black man smiling and the caption is I don't care what anyone says he still looks menacing to me. I think that fact speaks for itself (doesn't take much for a black man to appear menacing apparently) and I think there is a little too much protesting going on. By the way you all should be all good with how I perceive your comments you are doing the exact same thing about tweets, you are assuming you know exactly where they are coming from.
I have to come to the defense of my friend Desnee. She is my best friend's very best friend and is becoming mine as well. She is not a hater, but she is sensitive to issues involving race as am I. Honestly ( and maybe this is unbeknownst to white people) whenever we see any article involving a black person our ears and eyes perk up. To black Americans whether we admit it to ourselves or not EVERY issue is a race issue. Every job interview is a race issue, every conversation where the subject of my skin color comes up is a race issue. I haven't made it that way. My parents dodn't teach me that way. But society has taught me that way. The way I wear my hair, the way I talk can be race issues. Again, I didn't make it that way. And I can I guess choose to act as if we live in a color blind society, but I always come up short. Inevitably the subject of race will come up and there I am again. I either say something or I don't. Believe me, I would love it if we lived in the color blind society that would make Chris brown the same as eminem (another abuser who's lyrics contained death threats to his wife!) I have to go back to your trite observation that, "He looks menacing." Do you know what that means to a black person? Probably not. Let me tell you. Emmitt Till was brutally murdered in the south at the age of 14 years old for speaking to a white woman in the 1950s. His face was unrecognizable. White people say things have changed. We say somewhat yes, but black men are still portrayed in the media as menacing. The group "Menace II Society" pays homage to that portrayal. My husband is a dark-skinned black man, gentle and kind. But he is sometimes viewed as menacing upon a first meeting. All I'm saying is your article is about abuse involving a black couple. You stepped into a territory obviously unknowingly about race. Desnee read your article, but ignored it I think she knew it would be a useless battle to explain "our (aka black people's) side.
I have to come to the defense of my friend Desnee. She is my best friend's very best friend and is becoming mine as well. She is not a hater, but she is sensitive to issues involving race as am I. Honestly ( and maybe this is unbeknownst to white people) whenever we see any article involving a black person our ears and eyes perk up. To black Americans whether we admit it to ourselves or not EVERY issue is a race issue. Every job interview is a race issue, every conversation where the subject of my skin color comes up is a race issue. I haven't made it that way. My parents dodn't teach me that way. But society has taught me that way. The way I wear my hair, the way I talk can be race issues. Again, I didn't make it that way. And I can I guess choose to act as if we live in a color blind society, but I always come up short. Inevitably the subject of race will come up and there I am again. I either say something or I don't. Believe me, I would love it if we lived in the color blind society that would make Chris brown the same as eminem (another abuser who's lyrics contained death threats to his wife!) I have to go back to your trite observation that, "He looks menacing." Do you know what that means to a black person? Probably not. Let me tell you. Emmitt Till was brutally murdered in the south at the age of 14 years old for speaking to a white woman in the 1950s. His face was unrecognizable. White people say things have changed. We say somewhat yes, but black men are still portrayed in the media as menacing. The group "Menace II Society" pays homage to that portrayal. My husband is a dark-skinned black man, gentle and kind. But he is sometimes viewed as menacing upon a first meeting. All I'm saying is your article is about abuse involving a black couple. You stepped into a territory obviously unknowingly about race. Desnee read your article, but ignored it I think she knew it would be a useless battle to explain "our (aka black people's) side.