In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray's character awakes every morning to the same exact day. Because of this, he is able to live each day without consequences and still wake up the next morning as if nothing happened. He eats whatever he wants, commits suicide, and is an all out jerk, yet the next morning he's still in his bed reliving Groundhog Day all over again.
Aside from the monotony of it all, the fact that his character seems to despise Pittsburgh, living the same day over and over again doesn't seem like the worst thing could happen a person...well, that is until said person falls in love...
Soon he does, he falls in love with Andie McDowell's character and they have an affair. However, every morning when Murray wakes up she is gone. When he sees her that day, it is as if it never happened. She has no recollection of the event, which doesn't say much about his performance. Just kidding, it is of course because the day has started over again as if nothing had ever happened.
I wish I could do that. Start dating a person over again and make them forget what they learned after reading my articles, because as soon as they see them, they disappear and no not because I too, like Murray's character, am trapped in this metaphysical type of "Groundhog Day." It breaks my heart every time, not because I'd grown attached to the person but because I didn't even get the chance to.
It makes me feel like the Elephant Man. Nobody wanted him. How pathetic am I?
After meeting one particularly lovely person, I thought I made a major faux pas. I freaked out... He'd stayed so long...managed to read my articles and still wanted to talk to me, even more actually. And I ruined it or thought I did. It was fun while it lasted... It was really fun actually... I decided that spending time with him was too nice to be resentful or hurt over even if I didn't hear from him again. I decided that I would remember it as something happy and strive for something similar in the future.
If it wasn't for the abandonment issue I'd developed over the last few years, I wouldn't have reacted so insecurely. When they disappeared that was it. They disappeared. To my utter shock, I did hear from him again. And then I realized that these guys were dumping me because I followed my dream- well not because of the dream specifically, but because if I hadn't pursued it in the first place, they wouldn't have had the opportunity to read my articles and subsequently dump me over what they read. Well ain't that some odd kind of double edged sword....
In the end of the movie, Bill Murray wakes up one morning and to his surprise Andie McDowell is silently sleeping next to him. He is not only struck by her beauty, she looks like an angel, but struck by the fact that she is still there in his bed; that Groundhog Day is finally over. No doubt he has developed some sort of abandonment issue and it will still be several days if not weeks before he believes she will actually stay...
I still don't believe it, when I am talking to a guy and he continues to respond to me, call me, and ask me out, that it will last for long. I am always fearful that an ending looms shortly around the corner, just like it has every other time. I sit on pins and needles and patiently wonder which article or piece of writing will be the one that pushes him over the edge and into the abyss where all the other guys ended up (likely the same abyss that stole my socks out of the washing machine). I do not know what this abyss has against me. It sometimes feels like black jack: I wonder how much of myself I can reveal without going bust. But then I think about it and it settles in my mind that the abyss is more friend than foe. Not sure what it has against socks, but I do know it has saved me many times from sub par relationships, jerks, and all out bad situations.
Unfortunately even when things are going good with a guy, I still feel like Bill Murray did every morning in the movie Groundhog Day. I still wake up expecting him not to be there (metaphorically). I have an even harder time believing that if I ever do wake up with a love interest in my bed that this won't be the last time I see him. No, not because of a poor performance on my part, but because I have grown used to being abandoned.