This is horrifying. Just horrifying.

Good Lord! After all the press re bullying, your teachers and the principal refused to deal with it? I would make a huge stink now that your daughter has been removed from school. A lawsuit. Media attention. Something. Else, some other child may face the same fate as the child who hanged himself. How horrifying.

Rated. Speaking as someone who was bullied for being a half-deaf Welsh person with a stammer..... oh hell do I RATE this!

In our era of school shootings and frequent media attention to the issue of bullying, I am boggled and disgusted that any school administrator would fail to take bullying seriously. My heart goes out to the family of Jaheem. And props to you for having the confidence to stand up to the school administration that failed to protect your daughter.

It is unconscionable that the school refused to address this. Please contact your local school board, as well as your state representative and your state's Department of Education.

Un-freakin'-believable. Good job on switching your daughter. But make those contacts.

Thumbed.

I was asking myself the same question when my wife's one time best friend's 14 year old son hanged himself. Visually, there is not much that bothers me, but seeing that kid laying in that casket really hit me pretty hard.

I understand the whole survival of the fittest thing as it applies to the animal kingdom, but since humans are capable of great intellect, eliminating the physically inferior would be counterproductive as it would rob us of our Einstein's or Hawking's. Also, for the most part, kids who bully other kids today generally have many other issues that are causing them to be bullys. A responsible school system should flag that these 2 kids are a danger (and a potential catastrophic danger) to other students. There should also be some sort of immunity from civil litigation in instances where the school has identified students that are a potential danger and attemps to stop them...........the parents should not be able to sue for harassment.

A sad story.

I don't think schools take bullying seriously enough. And they distance themselves from responsibility ALWAYS. My youngest got threatening texts from a classmate - including references to a gun - and the school principal said, Well, this happened after school hours (it was at 3:30 p.m., while I was still at the office), etc. etc. Why don't you call the police. I said, I will, but this is an issue going on in Your School, and we've complained about this classmate's behavior before, so unless you want me there with a lawyer, you get these girls in mediation tomorrow. They did. It's semi solved. But there's no communication with the teachers. The following week, after having the girls sign a contract of non-involvement, their science teacher teamed them up on a project. When I spoke with him, he had no idea about the mediation or contract.

Lack of communication. Lack of commitment. Lack of accountability.

This is breathtakingly sad. And so unnecessary. I have been thinking a lot about bullying in the public schools. I just don't understand it and why it is so much worse than it was a generation ago. There is so little tolerance for any kind of difference. There is incredible pressure to conform. The students seems to exist outside of society or maybe they have created their own society. The adults are no longer in charge. The idea of civilization is gone.

It seems to me that a kind of evil has taken over where the animal instinct to attack the weak has been set free and the instinct toward human compassion is deeply threatened.

A small child or teenager who witnesses or knows of bullying cannot stand up for injustice alone. That witness is afraid and rightly so. Witnessing this type of thing is horrible too because the child knows no one will come to the defense of the defenseless. I am all in favor taking the kid out of school and possibly of getting the law involved.
This would never be tolerated among adults or in the workplace. Schools are not above the law.
From the school administrators who are bullies themselves to the parents who will do anything so their child gets and stays ahead in the social pecking order, adults are the problem. The teachers themselves, in most cases, are caught in the middle. Common sense needs to prevail.

This is so sad for all of us, for all of society. The musicians, the artists, the kind hearts, the gentle souls, the poets, the overweight, the slow to grow, the unathletic, the nearsighted with crooked teeth,
the disabled, the non-conformists, all of these beautiful children, made by God, where would we be without them.

I have never, ever understood why adults tolerate this kind of behavior from children and say they "can't do anything about it."

They are adults.

They are the ones in charge of protecting ALL the children. Not just the bullies.

Thank you for writing this.

I'm afraid we we looked back at many suicides we wondered why, how...they would also be pointing a finger at this problem.

There are things parents can do, if they are aware. Very good post...sadly another child is gone.

So tragic - and, coming from someone who was bullied mercilessly for years - understandable. When you're a kid and feel like no one is protecting you, especially the adults who are supposed to, well - it can engender desperate hopelessness.

This is why I don't think I could have children. I wouldn't want my children to have a mother in jail for beating the baJEzus out of a bullying child. And their parent.

I am so glad you pulled your child from that school. Some adults minimize the problems of children. Yes, some kids' fights are over within a day, but bullying that goes on for weeks and months demands intervention. As an adult, I wouldn't want to stay around coworkers if they constantly picked on me, so obviously children-- who lack the amount of control over their lives that adults have-- feel even more trapped.

Three parents all with the same problem? What a horrible school that must be. Just think how many other parents probably didn't pull their children from your school.

I wonder sometimes about people like your principal. Actually I wonder a lot about them.

My wife and I had numerous negative experiences during the time our children attending public schools in Dekalb County, GA. Administrators seemed content to let children pick on other children, only intervening in the event of a physical altercation. The solution was always the same: suspend both parties for fighting, regardless of who was the aggressor, or what previous attempts the student may have made to resolve the problem on their own. Telling on someone was generally an exercise in futility, resulting in teasing and name calling, but no definitive action from those in authority. It’s unfortunate to hear that that these types of situations still occur, sometimes leading to tragic consequences.

I too had to transfer a child, due to the complacency of the school administrators. My son complained he was being targeted by a group of boys. The teacher said nothing could be done because she did not witness the behavior. I told my son to be more vocal when these incidents occurred, in order to draw the teacher’s attention. When he yelled out, “ouch, stop hitting me”, he was thrown out of class for being a disruption. When he finally got fed up and hit one of the kids for shooting spitballs at him, he was suspended for fighting. In response to defending himself from this group of bullies, he was suspended a second time for fighting and told that he would be charged with assault, in the event of any subsequent incidents.

The school made no attempt to address the root cause of the problem. There was no conflict resolution process. They did not offer to separate my son from these individuals, or meet with the parents in an effort to diffuse the situation. They simply ignored, suspended and threatened. Due to zoning issues, we ended up moving to a different neighborhood, which enabled our son to transfer high schools. He completed his last two years of high school without incident.

When will the schools take a stronger more proactive stance against bullying? Children should not have to live in fear or under constant duress. They should not be made to suffer psychologically and emotionally at the hands of other children who have behavioral and social issues. Teachers and administrators need to receive the necessary training to identify potential problems and practice early intervention. Today’s social deviants often grow up to become tomorrow’s career criminals.

Thank you for your post. Rated.

This is one of my pet peeves. Schools (and parents) need to start taking bullying seriously instead of dismissing it as "kids being kids." I feel for the family of that child.

I mistakenly thought you were refering to Carl Walker-Hoover who was a victim of anti-gay "bullycide."

I watched his mother Sirdeaner Walker on Anderson Cooper and marveled at her composure and strength. Carl was such a lovely boy. His mom said he hugged his teacher in greeting (interpreted as weak/gay by other children) and worried about the fat girl in class who was being bullied too.

This is just way too sad on so many levels. Bullies often come from the same kind of families who "bully" the schools, too. It's always "everyone else's fault. As a former teacher, people simply have no concept of what happens to classmates when a fellow student dies. They fall apart.

This is such a widespread problem. EVERY school should have some sort of anti-bullying program in place.

I don't have much to add that hasn't been said except make sure to really listen to what your kids are saying, there are so many layers to the stories of their day.

Good job.

Bullying can be pretty serious. When I finally got sick of it at the private school I attended as a kid, I took myself out of there.

I'm so glad that you were able to communicate with your daughter about it. That's so important.

Bullying is so pervasive and complicated. And there aren't clear-cut camps of bullies vs. nonbullies (not to say that each situation isn't clear cut, just that there's crossover between bullies and nonbullies from situation to situation). The whole thing is kind of a nightmare for school personnel. My own kids have experienced bullying, and it's the thing that has made me feel most helpless as a parent. As a teacher in a fifth grade last winter, I got an email from a parent saying her son had been bullied in my classroom (a small incident--moving his books and allowing a different friend to sit in her son's chair) while I was retrieving something from my desk. I suggested to the mom that maybe I should assign seats, something I normally didn't do with that class (they were the visiting, gifted class), and told the mom that I would watch the other two boys carefully. I asked if she wanted me to talk to her son or keep mum that she had emailed me. She was very grateful for my quick response and I told her to let me know immediately if her son mentioned anything again (She didn't, and I'm out of that classroom now). But much of this kind of thing really does happen in hallways and at lunch rooms and in parking lots and at recess. I agree that there should be coordination of adults, and looking out for bullying has always been a priority of mine. Unfortunately, I think the new focus on bullying--with special forms to fill out and procedures to go through--is having an impact that might be unexpected. I am seeing the bullying reporting system abused by bullies themselves--kids who rush to the teacher wanting another kid to get in trouble for something they said. Most of the time, these are proactive, aggressive kids wanting to "get at" some kid not as likely to have caused the problem. It's so fraught with problems. It's really not as easy as people think. But I agree it's a major area of concern. (I'm in favor of an entirely different system of education in America--one based on small class sizes and real, critical thinking--so it's hard for me to comment piecemeal on problems. I think the whole stinking system needs an overhaul, and I think there are many teachers who are among the biggest bullies in the school. But that is politically explosive, so I'll stop there, except to say that most teachers I work with show one face to the parents and another to the students.) (You know what? I think I will write about an incident that shows what I'm talking about. Please look out on my blog for when I write about a kit-kat candy bar.) Holy cow--so sorry to have run away with your blog. You have my sympathy.

Thanks for a great post and wonderful comments on something that is widespread and pervasive.
It really resonates with me because of a boy who hung himself a few weeks ago. Age 11. Due to bullying. And his mother had gone to the school and asked them to intervene.
It happened in my town.
What makes an 11 year old gather enough cord - plastic covered cord - and knot it together and also make a noose?
Sorry if that's harsh, but the means of these suicides tend to be hangings these days.

Another kid, aged 13, hung himself a few months ago in the next town over. Due to bullying. Again, not to be harsh, but they're not buying rope. They're using sturdy plastic encased wires - the ones that connect to the wide wide world via tv and computers.

How could they know how to do it? And what the fuck pushes them to a studied suicide?
kids are cruel - even yours - but this is beyond that. This is concentrated cruelty.
It breaks my heart.

I want to thank you all for your responses to this post. While I didn't set out to "get it read," I am certainly glad it did because I think it's such an important issue. I really do appreciate all your input.

This happens just after the Day of Silence which is being boycotted by the radical rightwing affliated group NotOurKids and Focus on the Family who would rather see innocent children dead then compromise with gay people. NotOurKids? Wouldn't it be ironic if this child was a child of someone involved with this radicalism? I think they'd be apart of another group if they'd put themselves in someone elses shoes just for one day. But no. They'd rather boycott and demonize that day.

I recommend the ACLU and the media. I also bet the school board has no idea what is going on. Schools are more afraid that the bullies will sue, not you. They operate by staying out of court not teaching kids in many places.
Good on you for saving your kid, but the ones left behind will suffer. Don't be content with saving your own.

Good good good on you for having a relationship with your daughter in which she could turn to you for help.

As someone who honors mom and dad, I am not honoring the parents of these bullies. Where are these adults? What in the world are they teaching their children? They are accountable.

Increased awareness of the problem of bullying does not necessarily translate to willingness to do anything about it. In the Rochester, NY school district for example, nothing less than assaulting a teacher or bringing a loaded gun into the school will get a student removed. All other antisocial behavior is given lip service.
I recently posted a story about my own experience with bullying and the national day of silence to draw awareness to the problem, if you're interested.

My daughter was bullied in grade school. She went to a small parish school in our neighborhood. I talked to the sister who was the principal and that did help. I would have been outraged if I had to move her to a new school and I can not understand why those 2 boys are allowed to continue their reign of terror. I hope your daughter is happy in her new school.