Some time ago, another blogger on Open Salon posted a piece detailing her rape. Elena had only recently received gender reassignment surgery, and it seemed that some monster took advantage of her while she was unconscious, during one of her latest procedures. I read that piece. I always marvel at her honesty, and as always I admired her strength and writing style. But this piece…although I’ve often “talked” with Elena in the way we do here at OS, I could not bring myself to comment on it, to express my concern, or even to think about it.

I simply acted as if I hadn’t read it. Life went on pretty much as normal, except I didn’t read any of Elena’s pieces anymore. I’d see a cover story here and there, and think, oh, good for her, I’ll read that later…but later would never come. That is, until yesterday.

Yesterday I decided to begin thinking about why that piece had bothered me so. I only had to think for a short time before I figured it out. I compartmentalized this news in the way that I often have as a reflex, and once filed away, it was no longer my concern.

I have tried for a long time not to play into the stereotypical victim set, and I refuse to bend now. However, it is time for me to speak up and speak the truth, and to stop filing it away as if that will make the past go away.

Like so many others, I was molested as a child. It puts a cold chill down my spine and makes my heart shudder a bit just to type those words. The teenaged son of a babysitter used to sit me on his lap and put his fingers inside me while we watched TV in the living room as his mother cooked dinner. I’m fairly certain there was more (I get flashes of his bedroom, but nothing more will come). It doesn’t help dispel that feeling to know that later, when I told my mother about the ongoing problem, I hesitated to use the word he’d given me for what we’d done. It was the F word, and I didn’t want to get in trouble for saying it.

I long ago realized that some things about it will never go away. For instance, I will never be able to tolerate anyone blowing in or breathing around my ears.

But I also long ago decided that I would not be defined by this event. I have gone on to lead a mostly normal life, and I’m proud of the growth I’ve experienced. If my soul was to grow here on earth, I’m pretty sure that I’ve accomplished some of that.

BUT--I need to learn when to allow myself to save my feelings for later, when to allow myself to simply not ever respond, and when to feel, right there in the moment.  As a defense mechanism in situations that would serve to set me back, it's a decent one.   But wrongly used, it's also very isolating.  I can't allow myself to permanently disregard the pain my friends endure.

 So Elena, I hope you’ll accept my public apologies for dropping out of the loop. I’m truly sorry for what happened to you, and I hope that you get through this and come out better on the other side. I will do better in the future.