My Heart Speaks Here

One Realization, One Memory, One Story at a Time


April 02
I'll tell you about my journey while I'm telling myself, rereading and saying aha! yes! and that is what it was like! Words have magic feet. I like to see them dance. The rest is to be kept quiet because it is sacred. How I watch people and love them never wondering if we'll agree. I love them because they are. I believe in words but they aren't everything. I'll take harsh speech and good deeds over eloquence and little helpful action in the world. There's shades of gray through everything which is one of many reasons I pray, "Thy Will not mine be done," trying not to cross my fingers but keep my eyes and heart open.


Heidibeth's Links
SEPTEMBER 24, 2010 4:44PM

11 of 30 Scattered Thoughts of A Mother

Rate: 5 Flag

Just like yesterday, I don't have any great urge to write, but I'm honoring my decision to write 30 posts in 30 days.  What follows are my mental meanderings about paying attention, or not.  That either way, my children are growing and changing.

There will be a last time I pick up my youngest child.  I won't know it's the last time.  I won't realize that he hasn't wrapped his little legs around my belly, little arms around my neck, head on my shoulder until it's been months.  Then I won't be able to look back in time and remember the moment of the last time.  I can feel this day coming sooner than I'd like with my older son.  He's a small 10 so we may have another year or two of running jump hug mommy holding.  But I feel the transition coming.  I want him to grow up.  Still, I ache knowing some things will change unnoticed. 

I knew as each started walking that crawling would quickly phase out. I was sad then too, but I knew.  Same with sitting up, learning to crawl, weaning.  There were chalk marks in time.  Right now I'm thinking of the transitions that happen invisibly.  Like when words are one day clear, no more endearing pronunciations.  Our youngest still says, "yorgut."  That may be the last hold out.  He wears his shoes on the right feet now too, washes his own hair, dries himself after a bath, and chooses his own clothes.  His older brother runs his own bath, often makes himself food, reads to his adoring sibling and spent a couple days teaching him how to draw a few months back.  I may be the only person in the world amazed by these talents.  It comes from spending countless hours with them when I had to do for them more than what they could do for themselves.

I don't remember when each started reporting the contents of night dreams nearly every morning.  I do remember that at first it seemed our oldest was making up a story, calling it a dream so he could be seen as being like mom and dad.  We listened just the same.  Now, comforting a child at bed time because he's afraid of what he might experience when he drifts off is common.

They're 6 and 10.  I was an adult 10 years before my first child was born.  Those 10 years took  forever! The 10 years I've been an adult since he and then his younger brother came into the world have been a blink.  I spend most of everyday with both of them and this doesn't seem to slow the pace.  It does give me more memories of their faces at every stage.  More than if I had to work outside our home.

Today I realized that I don't know how long it's been since I sat down on the couch with a stack of books and called out, "Story time!"  There's no reason I can't take a break from typing, head over to the couch right now and initiate that long ago midday ritual of snuggles and kind conversations over Pooh or The Quilt Maker.

Excuse me, I have plans.



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Wonderful post, heidibeth. Sit down, take a break and snuggle up. They grow up in a blink of an eye.
"Those 10 years took forever"

It's sometimes absolutely infuriating when retrospect speeds up time, isn't it.
And look what comes from the girl who has no urge to write!
Just beautiful!!!
You made me stop and think. It's like we know all this but constantly need to refocus. Thank you for refocusing me on the fact that my babies will be 'not so much like babies' very, very soon. I need to embrace this time and enjoy every minute of it.
We also waited 10 years before starting our family. I was 35 when my first child was born and am so grateful for that. I can imagine what I would have missed had I been a much more self absorbed 20 something...
And by the way, we call them "run and hugs!" Glad someone else does that too!
I am instituting Story Time from this day forward!! =)
George's mom once said to me when I was concerned about how long it was taking Nathan to become toilet trained that the only thing that ever surprised her in life was how quick her children grew. I took that comment to heart. It was true and you captured that.
you never know when a last moment is the last. I feel that way about sex! I like your commitment to 30 posts in 30 days.
Rita, It was finding you on here and reading a couple posts that woke me up to "smell the roses." Thank you.

Bob, Yes, time is an odd duck.

Dina, Thank you lovely friend. My mom just pulled up so I have to sign off, but I want to finish comment later...
Profound and touching... far more than scattered. Nicely stated.
Dina, I have no idea what I was about to say earlier. I love how you took it the next step to instituting story time. I'm going to do that too, so long as I can be disciplined. It's so easy to say, "Oh, they're happy playing, I'll just finish this or that," and pretty soon another day is gone. I had no idea OS was going to help me be a better parent!

Sharon & moviegeekjn, Thank you. I was hoping I'd written clearly but really couldn't tell in the thick of the moment.
Just enjoy the times you have, other wonderful times will come your way as they grow.
I wish I had written about my children when they were your kids' ages-now I write about my grandchildren mostly. In 6th grade my teacher told my class on the last day, "This is probably the last time anyone will read to you." She was right. Keep doing it for your kids!
love it and totally get it!