William Osborne, age 36, was convicted of rape in 1993. He fought unsuccessfully for the right to prove his innocence with DNA tests developed since his trial.  (Photo: Bill Roth, Anchorage Daily News) 

Yay, Alaska. Today the Supreme Court upheld your right to remain ignorant of whether you convicted the wrong guy of rape.

Other states breathed a sigh of relief - or more accurately, each state expressed relief in the way it deems best. In Nevada or Hawaii, sighing might work just fine, whereas Texas might prefer to fill a cooler with longnecks and go fishing. That's what's so great about having 50 states.

There's a state for every taste and inclination. If you like tree-ripened mangos, don't live in Utah. If you married a person of the same sex in Ohio and wish you hadn't, move to Arkansas and get a gun. If you fear someday being convicted of a violent crime, and hope to prove your innocence with DNA evidence, live in one of the 'soft on crime' states. 

Speaking for the majority in today's ruling, Justice Roberts' neatly parted hair explained that (a) DNA evidence "has a unique ability to free the innocent and convict the guilty" and (b) so what?

If you let one convicted criminal prove his innocence, pretty soon they'll all want to do it.

"This is a essentially a States' Rights issue," Roberts said. "The right of  state courts and state legislatures to shape policy remains as essential in 2009 as it was in the age of indentured servitude and mule travel. I forget why, exactly." 

In dissent, Justice Stevens said, "Listen, this guy in Alaska is obviously confident that DNA testing would prove his innocence. Doesn't the truth matter?"

"Not so much," said Roberts. 

"What the f**k kind of justice is that?" said Justice Souter.

"Get off your high horse," said Justice Alito. "Most states have made some provision for DNA testing. Your rapist, or not-rapist as the case may be, picked the wrong state."

Justice Thomas, noting that evidence withheld by Alaska includes a pubic hair, said, "I hope Sotomayor has a sense of humor."

~ ~ ~

Here's the thing: 

I am sick of states.

There are too many of them. They are obsolete. They are 50 seats of power-mongering whose governors would better serve the public as 50 mayors, mob bosses or game show hosts.

Why do we need regionally adapted laws? We don't put down roots at a family homestead anymore and remain there for generations, checking the mailbox for news from Back East. These days, we live where the work is, or was. Then we move and are forced to waste holymary-only-knows how much time acquiring redundant licenses and registrations. Drivers', voter's, car, dog; new organ donor card; state-appropriate insurance, if we are lucky.

We learn that legal documents filed in one state, like an elderly parent's Living Will, are invalid in another. We risk being ticketed because we are not familiar with the quirks of traffic law that make a stretch of Georgia asphalt different from an identical looking one in Florida. We must set up our lives all over again, like new citizens in our own country.

More onerous - and of what cost to us all? -  are the licenses and certifications each state requires of newly arrived teachers, nurses, doctors and other professionals. WTF? Is a physics teacher from New Mexico not up to snuff in Oklahoma? Must a proctologist from Mississippi become familiar with the nuances of anatomy in Arizona? 

Does criminal justice in Alaska entail fewer or different rights than apply in Maine or North Dakota, because the crimes are foreign? Proximity to Russia? What? Why? Stop the madness.

Since the 200o election, I've fantasized about splitting off the Blue States of America (slogan: We're With Stupid). Lately, I've started thinking it should just be Blue America, and to hell with states. We'll keep Vermont's billboard laws and learn from Illinois how not to maintain highways. You want a state flower? A state song, or a dozen of them? Go crazy. It's a free country. There will be regional traditions; just no legally mandated ones.

Inside Blue America, your right to drive a car, remove a spleen or remove a judge will be unaffected by geography. Losing your medical license in New Jersey will not be an invitation to practice in New Mexico. In Blue America, Supreme Court appointees will pass not one litmus test but many. Starting with whether today's ruling against simple justice made sense to them, or made them slightly ill.

The Innocence Project: 

http://www.innocenceproject.org/about/Mission-Statement.php