"Hello," she lied.

"Hello," she lied

Atlanta, Georgia, USA
March 01
Boss of Me
Soylent Green is human resources


Editor’s Pick
JULY 3, 2009 4:12PM

Please Be Patient While I Try to Fall Back in Love with You.

Rate: 71 Flag

gov 2

Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC) heads into a "meeting" with his "staff." (AP)

Jenny darlin’, 

I have witnessed with awe and just a little resentment the quiet grace with which you have handled my recent difficulties and the unfortunate media hype, especially my post-apology appearance on The Today Show; not to mention the upcoming Larry King interview (postponed until they bury that colored fellow) in which I will explore further the distinction between a helpmate and a soulmate. 

You must wonder, as I do, why God in His wisdom sees fit to bless a sinner like me with such a fine wife, to bind us in holy matrimony, and yet deny our union the throbbing sexual tXXXXX the hot nasty XXX in her pulsing LatinaXXXXX and XXXatio like a Hoover WetVac  XX XXX and that XXXsy!  XXXXXX and yet deny our union the ardor without which a man can be tempted to stray from the trail of fidelity and skip naked across the meadow of true love. The Lord's ways are mysterious indeed. Go figure. 

Jenny, you have always been my rock. I ask that you continue in the role of rock for a while longer, as I search my heart for some remnant of feeling that isn’t gratitude, relief, brotherly disinterest, or abject terror of your daddy.

It might help of you tried something different with your hair and gave up Bermuda shorts. Just saying. 


PS: My attorneys say it's unlikely that we can own "hiking the Appalachian love-trail" or even "accepting the devil's stimulus" but we have applied for a trademark on "breaking in some new hiking booty." If there's any licensing income, you'll be the first to know. 

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Jenny needs to dump his stupid ass and take her money and her kids and leave him to his Argentinian soul-mate and dead political career.
"XXXatio like a Hoover WetVac "
Daughters: "Mommy, what are you laughing at?"
Me: "Nothing, and don't look at the computer screen!"
South Carolina has more than it's fair share of dumb asses, they got what they deserved when they elected him.
Oops, sorry about that apostrophe, it should be its.
Very good. As my mother used to say, "He has some real gall."
Sanford is such a "tool."
"accepting the devil's stimulus"

This is so intelligent and creative. Rated and Zumapick(FWTW)
"hello", she lied
- you have pegged the spirit of Governor Sanford perfectly. Finally we have someone in his brain that can interrupt his thoughts and desires. I hope there will be more readings…
Rouge around the nipples helps. But if after all this time her "competition's" still possessed of a pulsing latina XXXX, you might as indulge in some more icecream and enjoy the allowing fit your own "bermuda" comfort affords . . .
First-rate satire because it is thisclose to the truth.
Laughing at this, then the comments. Very funny!

When a governor shits his pants in the woods, can everyone smell it?
And the Google ads are just hilarious.
"It might help of you tried something different with your hair and gave up Bermuda shorts. Just saying."

That explains it all.
I think he could probably trademark "going down on Rio" without much difficulty.

You rock.
Incidentally, I clicked on all your ads. The one about "The American Monk" were particularly fascinating (though, sadly, he's not played by Tony Shalhoub): "Already Over 359,479 Are Living Happier, Healthier and More Successful Lives Thanks To The American Monk.” Apparently the American Monk is not just a very wise teacher, but good at counting.
As they say in my neck of the woods - Pure-dee GENIUS!
You are so clever, Miss Hello! Very well done.
Great post - the "bullet proof bear bag" was my all-time favorite ad.
Funny and true!
It's just that he's, well, as some say in Sowth C'lynuh......common.
Nice work here.

This saga is such a train/car/plane wreck.
Oh, he's "meeting" his "staff," alright. Beating it, more like it.
Now I am putting this, too, on the PopSmiley list. In the meantime could tou, please, stay away from the Delete key? Even better: under the cover of a quiet night maybe you could also find and restore, without any fanfare, the middle ground on slavery? That would be a real service to the community. :-)
He gives "manopause" a bad name.
He could have handled it better, I am sure, but there are two sides to every story. Still, very funny.
Why does he keep self-destructing?
Couldn't he just own up and shut up? Like Spitzer.
Hah! Love that he blamed The Lord for his infidelity!
This post is rated for meeting the gold standard of satire: it is just barely plausible that this might have been a real-life letter (or at least a first draft) written by the real-life Guv'nor to his long-suff'rin', only mildly pissed real-life wife, Jenny.

Going one step further, however, I say cut the man some slack.

Yes, indubitbly, Mark Sanford is a clownish doofus non pariel for putting his inner lecher out on public show -- I agree, he needs to be removed from office forthwith, if only to limit the stench of ludicrous folly emanating from his South Carolina seat, and thereby maintain some semblance of dignity for the nation's remaining 48 Governorships.

But. Nevertheless. Cut the man some slack. Any mentally competent male with at least one nut in his nether sack, over the age of 16 (okay, let's say 18, for those excessively late in attaining puberty) must murmur while cradling said sack as he takes his morning leak, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Because we all, and this means every one of us guys, each has his inner, trollish lecher, and despite the current vogue for "getting in touch with our inner feminine" (which does restrain the randy beast somewhat), the lecher never rests! We let our guard down for a second, and he starts trampling over the decorous furnishings , snuffling the air like an unkempt jackass seeking some of that hot nasty XXX in her pulsing LatinaXXXXX, crudely, cruelly oblivious to the faithful jenny by his side.

Please don't shoot the messenger. I'm just SAYIN'.
This should serve as a template of a form letter for those who have gone before and those who will follow after. VERY well written.
Perfect, absolutely perfect.
Love it! If I were Jenny, I'd have dumped his sorry ass by now, but I guess she's a good Christunt wooman and won't do that.
Especially enjoyed the mark-throughs.
Ha! Rated! (Thanks for the laugh!)
Gave up Bermuda shorts? Hysterical. Great job.
I say BRILLIANT writing and F00cking Funny.
I have just posted an e-mail exchange between Sanford and his latina lover (with a video of her as an Argentine news reporter)...come and take a peek...You can't make this stuff up....
Your post is humorous...their relationship...judge for yourselves.....
I love this post! VERY funny.
Great satirircal with so much truth oozing...Lucky SC Gov...cuz along came Gov.Sara P. resigning to pursue a higher (more lucrative) calling...perhaps you could ink one for the First Dude perspectivity ....you seem to have a gift for insightfuls !!!
Falling back in love? FALLING BACK IN LOVE?? Try beng SHOVED back in love or PULLED back in love or SNEAKING back in love or even CRAWLING back. But FALLING?
What a jackass!
Good piece!

Your PM feature is not working I believe due to the quotations in your name tripping up the system. I wanted to write you and thank for your kind words on my career post.
Mark... honey... do yourself a favor and STOP TALKING!
Nice! Polyamorist belief a prerequisite to political office these days, so no surprise this righties talk was double speak. Enjoyed the satire
I like the Hoover expression, but am reminded of one I like even better: she could (ahem) remove the chrome from a bumper. As for Sanford, the deep dark Creepy Male aspect of me that has lived moments of Sanford's life feels a bit of empathy. Yet it's also funny...the operation of karma in everyday life. Here Sanford voted to impeach Clinton for getting a blowjob (please don't try to run the perjury jive past me), and here he is having gotten a bit more than Lewinskied by this lady in Buenos Aires. I would like to think the episode taught him about judging not lest he be judged, but the one thing American fundamentalists can't see to absorb is that their actions are as open to critical judgment as the actions of other people, and that saying you're Saved does not mean you can't do a real good job of damning yourself.
Funny and wicked.

My favorite trailer these days is "The Good Wife," a new series that shows Julianne Margolies in a similar situation, slapping the crap out of her husband when they go off camera. I'm wishing that moment for Jenny.
First rate satire. Is this a pivot point for the self-righteous right-wingers who have tried to set themselves up as the arbiters of morality? It's like a Greek drama in it's karmic clarity. I certainly don't begrudge the man love. Everyone should feel that depth of emotion. But wouldn't it be better if he just stopped trying to hedge his bets and have it all by continuing to lie?
You know that thing U & yr sole mate have been doin'
Jen on behalf of all the world's women
As a Latino who was too young to learn about the Latin love ways, thank you for enlightening me.
I don't know how Jenny could turn down such tempting offer. Sheesh! What an idiot!
My WetVac doesn't do that. I'm taking it back to Home Depot.
Sharp, lethal and very funny.
Oooooh, I got to be the 69th person to rate your post! Do I win anything?
Welcome to Congress, fuckwad.