There are many different opinions to being alone. Some enjoy the peace and comfort of a quiet envirment, no kids, no spouse, no on going clutter left from someome you live with.

Some enjoy the freedom, the independance of being single. I am one of those people. Yet somewhere in my heart of hearts yearns for companionship, a true friendship, some one to call my own. I have had my share of friendly co workers in my department. Kidding around, yet most of them in my department are younger. It has been hard to be close to them as there is a serious generation gap there with have the crew I work with. Some are very imature, and some are Diva wannabes. I have a few that are in my age range and do get along with. Mainly girl talk, or just work chatter in general.

I have been talking to other staff members in their floors when I can. Brief conversations. Some that are RN's, PSA's, and nurses.   I do catch Jose on occasi0n, sometimes going to an elevator, I will hop on even if it is not any where I am supposed to be. Chatting, catching up on each other. I ran into him on Friday (almost, really!) as he was scraping something from the floor/ wall border. I caught him looking back my way in a glimspe as I wondered what he was thinking of me, about me.

In a way this bothers me as I amd trying to move on. I keep having stupid desires to see what my ex husband is up too. Even he screwed me over.  As for Jose, I am not really worried over that, as I know in my heart we are friendly coworkers.

I have been debating seriously on sending my exhusband the letter I wrote when I last saw my therapist. It was her suggestion. Maybe that may tap the closure for sure.

This is my letter to my exhusband;

Dear Jim

I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you. I never liked the fact that you turned my life into a living hell over your needs and desires. You lied throughout our marriage. You told me while we were dating that you would give up smoking pot. Now to find out at this present time, that you never did quit. You continued to smoke pot behind my back

. You supposedly tried to quit but went back on the pipe days later. Now I realize why you were so moody. Always  complaining about headaches, and your bad moods. With your aggressive behavior. When we would argue over the little things, you would blow up in my face. Yell at the top of your lungs and threaten to hit me by raising your fist and look aggressively angry. All this happened because of your withdrawals and anxiety of drug use. 

Now I understand why you never had a lot of money, and you’re whining about always needing gas money, when you needed drug money instead. You knew how upset I was when we left Kentucky, after I found drugs and a pipe in the storage compartment. Still you kept smoking pot.  

You say I was spending money behind your back one time, when you, Jim had been doing it for years! I have also been hurt on how you have accused me of having an affair with Isaac. When Isaac and I both know it never happened! When I spoke to Isaac about this, how you accused the two of us in Arizona of messing around. Isaac was angry and said, “When Jim accuses you. He accuses me”. Isaac is very well aware that nothing happened. You have also falsely accused me of having affairs with my coworkers. When you Jim, have had numerous girlfriends, having affairs throughout our marriage.  Scott told me of a time when you were hitting on Babs, actually kissing her. When Babs confronted Scott about it, you got violently angry with her, screaming in her face, to make her change her story.

 I had regretfully lost my passion for you years ago which is why probably you  slept around with other women. Because Jim, deep down, you are a man-whore. Who wants it constantly and is not happy if you don’t get it. If you didn’t get enough from me, you findsomeone else from Scott’s band performances, or at another bar with other friends. All because you had to fulfill your lustful desire. 

You call yourself a Christian? God I know does not like divorce, like you wanted. If you really did what Scott said you did. Be prepared for hard times, for the worst. I feel sorry for my Father, who you begged me call him for financial support when we were  low in funds. Along with what he sent us for Christmas each year. I had no idea they were supporting your drug habit.

Your emotional outbursts throughout our marriage have caused me emotional pain. That has been difficult to let go. You have scarred me emotionally. All because you had to lie and deny your bad behavior. Finding some  way to put the blame on me.  

I hope I never have to see your face ever again. It has taken me time to heal and still have a long road ahead.

I know want to move on. Leave the memories of my painful past with you. To reflect, to never feel guilty over, the abusive behavior I have had to dealt with for the past 14 years we were married. 

You are forever removed out of my heart, life, and memory.

Help me someone, some how break this on going link towards him.

Sometimes it is nice being alone. Having time to yourself. Being single does have its advantages. My only wish is to move forward emotionally. Without the ongoing suffering of this hurtful  "alone" feeling.

Will that  someone be there when I need him?

P.s. OS readers. Help me find a way to get that exhusband and his misery out of my head! PLEASE!