The yellow bird of happiness — because one size doesn't fit all
Why am I not single?
It's not because I'm less independent than you are. It's not because I don't state my opinions, and it's certainly not because my opinions always match those of my partner. (You probably cannot imagine how much laughter that statement provokes.)
It's not because I'm poorly educated or aspire to nothing other than wifehood. (Wifedom? Wifiness?) I have a doctorate and a published book.
It's not because I've given up the right or the opportunity to do what I want, when I want. Kids and employment altered that, and when they did, my partner gave me freedom I otherwise would not have had. Now our nest is empty and our finances are comfortable, and woohoo!
It's not because I'm a good maid, or because my husband doesn't care about cleanliness and tidiness. In that regard, it's because we're both grownups who good-naturedly make it work.
It's sure not because I'm resigned to a lackluster sex life.
It's not because I'm a person of faith whose religion teaches submission. My husband would faint dead away if I did, and then he'd wake up bored.
It's not because my standards are low, or because I've found the one man in the world who isn't a jerk. I'm sure there are others. After all, I have brothers and sons.
It's not because I'm afraid to be alone, because I'm financially trapped, because he won't let me go, or because staying married is the path of least resistance. If anything, it's because it was worth doing right.
It's not because of an unplanned pregnancy, societal expectations, tradition, or any outside pressure. We just refused to play.
It's not because I somehow lured him, ensnared him and have managed to keep him whipped.
It's not because I (and he) haven't had other offers.
It's not because I believe I deserve to be miserable. On the contrary, I deserve to be gloriously happy, and I am.
It's not any of those things. It's because, at the end of the day — at that moment when we've both cleared the front door, sorted through the mail, decided on supper and finally have a moment just to be — we still look at each other and think, "Yes."
Yes, this is good. It's right. It's home. It's the life we want, the life we've created together over 35 years.
It's not for everybody; it may not be for anyone but us. It doesn't require anyone's affirmation. It doesn't require us to be snarky about anyone else's choices, or to feel sorry for people who aren't "like us." You all get to design your own lives, and when that doesn't work — as it doesn't ever for any of us, not completely — you get to try to wrest what's most important to you from all the forces out there that will try to claw it away.
No, marriage is not for everybody, but for us, it's pretty damn good.
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Mary Wagner
David Satterlee
Rodney Roe
Ed Stein
Richard Jorgensen
Salon.com
Comments
Equilibrium in ideas.
"as it doesn't ever for any of us, not completely" sigh, so true
rated.
Scupper, yes, it works.
Joan, I admit that sometimes I look at him and think, "Would you consider going on a long vacation?" but overall, we are still convinced we chose the right mates.
Femme, I'm very reluctant to claim to have gotten it right. I think it's mainly a matter of what works for us, not what's right or wrong in any objective sense. On the other hand, I'm willing to celebrate along with everyone who believes they've gotten it right!
hugs, thanks.
Vanessa, that's absolutely the way of it, and I do worry about people who are waiting for it to be perfect.
Oryoki, I agree, and I grow very weary of these waves that seem to swish around the popular culture. As someone else said, there's not a map. There's not a single path; there's probably not even a best one. I am always irritated by the "I'm ok and you're different from me so you must not be" attitude.
Aw, trig. Right now we're sanding our floor (which IS glorious; there's nothing like old wood) and the entire house is swathed in dropcloths. I figure there are two big tests in a marriage: remodeling and the flu. If a couple doesn't resort to murder at either one of those times, they're going to be ok.
HB, thank you so much.
and - for you - it obviously works.
i think luck has something to do with it, though.
"It's not because I'm a person of faith whose religion teaches submission. My husband would faint dead away if I did, and then he'd wake up bored."
lol, I love that!!!
Kudos!
Lezlie
Another long term married person who says "yes" every day. Even when divorce is the right of either partner, there is no other relationship among adults as durable and comprehensive as marriage.
Living in CA, I will continue to be willing to go to the mat to assure that everyone has a shot at marriage if they are willing to make that commitment.
Angelkisses, thanks. We laugh a lot here.
Lezlie, he occasionally pops in to make sure I'm not telling any of his deep dark secrets.
Mimetalker, thanks. How did we all get so old?
another steve s, I agree, and I wonder if the prohibitions aren't one reason marriage in general is declining.
Patricia, what I said to mimetalker, except you must not be quite as old. :)
Christine, thank you. Happiness is sometimes underrated.
Deborah, I sometimes think part of the secret of our success is that we're both very busy and don't spend enough time together to get on one another's nerves. Did you and I miss a chance to get together, or are you still on the coast? I'm coming your direction next week, and I'll PM you as soon as I figure out my schedule.
To remodeling and the flu, I'd like to add horses and/or dead things in the frig :)