[At first I wasn't going to post this...it's so silly...but someone jabbed me about not having posted in awhile]
I’m going to write very honestly about how I feel at this exact moment.
From what I gather the entire point of these blogs is to share my feelings, opinions, and emotions with an open-minded community of co-conspirators whom can compare notes, so to speak, on similar past experiences.
So TODAY I’m going to talk about a crush I have on a friend of mine.
Yes, I said crush. Now, the word crush strikes me as very high school and I have wondered if that is the correct word to apply in this situation…and I think it is.
I find myself acting as I THINK a teenager with a crush would act…albeit an extremely straight-forward teenager who has no compunctions about telling her crush ABOUT said crush and teasing him mercilessly about it (along with all our friends).
You see, I find myself quite fascinated with a friend of mine out here in Afghanistan. He is one of our lovely coalition partners from an allied country which shall remain nameless. He is extremely intelligent and cute as a button. He is also a fitness monster and in possession of an incredible physique.
Now, before I go into details about this perhaps I should give some back story and explain why this is so amazing for me.
Throughout my life, one could say, I have been a very self-aware. I can associate with people and have really great friends…but I am also fine by myself. This is a fortunate trait as I moved schools quite a few times in my youth and tended to be the odd (wo)man out.
Today I can count on ONE HAND the number of people I consider true friends…everyone else are just associates, though some may be closer than others. As a result I am just a “tad bit” emotionally distant towards people. One of the nicknames my beloved friends have bestowed upon me, with the caveat that they love me as I am, is Cold Blooded Ice Queen for my straight-forward, honest, and somewhat callous behavior towards the opposite sex and people in general.
Interestingly enough, for some odd reason people, who don’t know me, often presume I’m a social butterfly because I don’t stick with one group and kind of float around. Once they get to know me they quickly change their view to see me as anything from evil to weird or even a sociopath. Normal is not a phrase typically associated with me but I say bosh on that cop out…who decrees what’s normal anyway?
I will admit that I play up some of my perceived behavior because people amuse me and their reactions to certain provocations are generally VERY predictable.
I will even admit I still do that to some extent here where I’m currently at. A lot of people here view me as weird and dorky because a) I am purposely downplaying my appearance and b) I don’t care what anyone else thinks as long as I’m happy and enjoying myself.
B isn’t as sinister as it sounds. It means that at a salsa or hip hop event I might be doing ballet leaps because I enjoy dancing and the music fits that for me. It also means I might hang out in my room reading instead of socializing because I don’t feel like dealing with people.
There are, of course, people here who see through all of that zany behavior, but they are few and far between.
Ahem, getting back to the “backstory.”
On January 1st 2008 at approximately 0330am, my last boyfriend and I broke up. I told him I wanted to speak with him the next day but he insisted that I speak right then…so I did. To me it was a mutually agreed upon and beneficial break-up. We had been going the wrong way for quite some time and I felt it was silly for us to enter the New Year that way.
Well, it was made very apparent to me later on that I had misjudged that situation...badly. What I thought was a happy break up was in fact a miserable situation that got very messy.
I had gotten into that relationship knowing the other person was in love with me and he also knew I did NOT feel that way about him. The relationship that followed was a slow and painful decline in our ability to even speak to each other as reasonable human beings.
He was hurt because I was so distant and unemotional…and that annoyed me because he knew the type of person I was before we began dating. When I was annoyed I would become even more distant and display even less emotion…making him even unhappier. I could see what I was doing and that he was unhappy so I made the move to return us to friends. I have always been able to maintain very honest friendships with my ex-boyfriends so I didn’t see why our situation would be any different.
Oh the humanity…and what a revelation.
After years and numerous previous occasions of being called a cold hearted woman [who pushes away people who love her on purpose] this incident actually made be pause.
The resulting disaster led to my New Year’s resolution that I was going to become a more open person who was better able to interact with people who I had known less than 10 years (almost all my close friends, except Kevin, have known me for 10 years or more).
The one caveat to this resolution was that I was going to do my best to remain celibate as I, as a dominant, employ sex almost like a weapon on my partner, which is an effective distancing tool.
So I resolved to shed all the crutches preventing me from being an emotionally open, and dare I say it, healthy person. If I could do that then MAYBE I could sustain an actual relationship longer than 6 months to a year and be able to open myself to…L-O-V-E in the future.
I knew I was deploying in May so I thought that it would be a great time to enact this. I knew if I tried to change too much while I was still at home it would freak out everyone I knew out LOL. P
erhaps I’m self-sufficient as a result of being such a narcissistic person but I want to be able to accept new people into my life and I am willing to make a change. So, after I arrived at my deployed location I slowly…and I mean very slowly…started opening myself to people. I have had quite a few associates become close during this deployment.
I have often thought the experiment, as I think of this in my head, is going smashingly well. I adored my roommates and enjoyed hanging out with several people…even if I did still occasionally disappear into my room with a book or eat my meals alone…with a book.
Then events took a bit of a turn.
When I first met him it was because we worked for the same General. I knew him in a vague “Hi, how are you?” manner. Then I began participating in the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) focused mixed martial arts club on our camp. He, as well as his fellow countrymen, also participated in the club and I slowly got to know him because of it.
At first, I would refer to him as scary because he was ALWAYS smiling…even in the middle of a sparring match when he was body-slamming or choking someone out he was still smiling. I jokingly refer to him as a Stepford Smiler (visit TvTropes.org to learn about that).
He is also really good at BJJ…in a fairly devastating way. The running joke in our club is to yell out: [redacted] SMASH when he’s rolling (sparing in BJJ) because he’s sure to toss someone around like the Hulk If you’ll recall the Hulk’s old catch phrase was Hulk SMASH so you can imagine how the matches must look.
Personally, I am on a quest to defeat him due to the agony of suffering defeat at his hands quite a few times.
Somehow…and I’m not sure how…I became extremely comfortable with him (and his group of friends/co-workers). I’m not sure how comfortable they are with me (being the scary person that I am) but I quite like them.
At the same time I slowly became more aware of [redacted] as an individual. Over a short (for me) amount time, and by randomly talking to him, I started to think of him as more than just an extremely cool hot guy who was a monster at BJJ. I actually found myself growing VERY attracted to him. This was fairly surprising to me as I had made a decision to NOT be attracted to people during this year of “blossoming.”
I suppose I could have chosen to repress the attraction, previously my typical reaction to unwanted emotions like anger, but instead I chose to embrace it. I suppose that’s how I know the experiment is working…I’m developing emotions against my will and accepting them LOL.
I lovingly refer to this attraction to him as a “crush” and I LOVE it. It’s awesome. I guess I have never had a crush on someone before but I think it’s great and quite enjoyable. I’m happy and laughing whenever I’m around him…and sometimes I’m quiet and thoughtful. I CONSTANTLY tease him about the crush and debate its merits with my roommate when we’re around him...which will cause him to blush.
I think it’s amusing because I’m not the ONLY person who is amazed by the guy. I love to point out to him that other guys are “Gay for [redacted]” because of his phenomenal physique, athletic ability, and really adorable personality. The other guys tease him about his body/personality and the crush as well and allow me some awesome one-liners that make him blush very strongly LOL.
[Redacted] is VERY good natured about all the teasing and takes it in stride. He’s also a wonderful person to talk to who is very focused and intelligent. He actually openly admits that guys who look like him (physical appearance/strength) are stereotypically slow dumb brutes…not my [redacted]. Intelligent buff guys are apparently my weakness LOL.
On his side he’s never had a crush or been the object of a crush so he’s kind of flying blind on this himself but is generally taking it very well. It could be that whole innocence business he has going on…though we argue exactly how innocent the guy is.
USUALLY I’m a “Take No Prisoners And Get What I Want” type of person when it comes to guys, hence my 100% success rating and narcissistic attitude I’m sure, but I’m refraining from such behavior this year…and especially with him. It’s partially due to my resolution but also because he’s just so cute and innocent seeming. He’s utterly adorable when he blushes LOL.
Unfortunately, along with my dominant nature (and behavior) I have discovered this interesting taste for teaching and breaking down “innocent” guys so it’s even more important that I refrain from acting in any way.
The guys and I often debate if he is as innocent as he looks because he’s rather sadistic and brutal in the gym with Cross Fit and other workouts. It’s generally acknowledged that I APPEAR very innocent, and we all know I’m evil, so it makes us wonder about him. For some reason I think he’d be as aggressive as me…it’s just a suspicion based of his competitive nature.
I think I have reached some sort of achievement in regards to my emotional accessibility to people. I have a crush and I’m enjoying it. It’s something so simple… and I’m kind of sad that I’ve never had one before. Look at that…I’m feeling sad!
With that said I HAVE seen a bit of television and read quite a few books so I get the idea that people with crushes typically get their feelings hurt. So while that would be a novel experience it’s not one I think I want to “enjoy” quite yet. So, I am carefully treading the line and making sure this doesn’t move beyond a crush. I can't say this is a one-sides crush but based on our current locale I think this is the best option. I am a very hands –on touchy person but I am always VERY careful to maintain some sort of physical distance between us (obviously outside of BJJ). I don’t even hug him, which is fairly standard in my greeting or saying goodbye to people!
It has been pointed out that emotional openness is all well and good but emotional attachment is what gets you in trouble.
I am thoroughly enjoying this…and I’m very happy to have succeeded in the first part of my resolution. Now, I just have to keep developing this emotional openness towards people and perhaps I’ll stop being such a jerk LOL.
Or maybe a year of looking terrible, I am in Afghanistan after all, has humbled me...nah.
My, what a rambling post…
Beautiful Kisses , Siobhan
1127pm, 27 December 2008, Kabul, Afghanistan.