Holly Robinson

Holly Robinson
Location
Massachusetts, USA
Birthday
December 03
Bio
Journalist Holly Robinson is the author of the novel Sleeping Tigers and The Gerbil Farmer's Daughter: A Memoir. Visit her web site at www.authorhollyrobinson.com.

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Salon.com
APRIL 6, 2012 4:58PM

That Chipped Teacup Feeling: Life after Breast Cancer

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Nine years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This wasn't the “do something or die” kind of cancer that my friends Rachel and Kim went through last year. It wasn't even the “lump the size of a grapefruit” breast cancer my mom had removed after getting her first mammogram at age 78. It certainly wasn't the wildfire kind of breast cancer that killed my son's English teacher in high school, when my son and her daughter were both just sixteen years old.

Nope, my breast cancer was, thankfully, the “almost missed it” variety. I had a lumpectomy (described by my nurse as “the size of an orange”--why do they always use fruit metaphors?) Clear margins, no radiation or chemo. Nothing much to go through, by almost any medical standard. Why, then, was I so terrified?

I'd heard a lot about breast cancer—I am a journalist, after all, and I've known plenty of cancer survivors (and others who were less fortunate). But nobody told me about the fear. For several years after my lumpectomy, I felt as damaged as a chipped teacup. I worried that one more time through the dishwasher might shatter me completely.

As a mother whose youngest son was in kindergarten when I was first diagnosed, my biggest fear was that the cancer would return and kill me while my kids still needed me. I had other, lesser fears, too: losing what's left of my boobs, having my husband lose interest in me.

Gradually, though, I have somehow stopped being afraid. I had a couple of new scares, resulting in biopsies. My husband was diagnosed with diabetes, my stepsister with colon cancer, my mother with emphysema. Another good friend just found out that her son—the same age as my oldest boy—has lymphoma.

All of this was scary, but it also made me realize that each of us carries sleeping tigers inside us. That's what it feels like to me: that my cancer is this capricious jungle animal asleep inside me. It could wake at any moment, sharpen its claws, and slash my life to bits. Never mind feeling like a chipped teacup. Now I visualized a caged and potentially lethal animal inside me!

Somehow, though, this image has given me the strength to live without fear. There are some things you can't control in life—you can only accept that you, like anyone else, might experience disease, loss, grief, survival, death, surgery, whatever. We all go through something. Why worry about it until it happens? Let sleeping tigers lie, and get on with your life in the meantime.

After breast cancer, I became resolved to do things I'd always put off. I took a pottery class with my husband and finally made a solid commitment to write fiction and get it published. Our family traveled to England and Spain, and we bought a farmhouse on Prince Edward Island near my favorite beach. I bought a membership to AMC and started hiking in the White Mountains and joined a knitting group. I restored the old garden behind our house and, this summer, I'm going to try laying the paths through it myself. I'm also going to buy a new bicycle and map out some routes through my favorite small towns north of Boston.

No matter how short your life might be, or how deliciously long, why not cram in as much as you can? Sure, live in the moment, but glory in your past and plan for the future, too. Take on every adventure that appeals to you—and you're sure to embrace new opportunities to live with love, grace, humor, and compassion.   

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Comments

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Glad you're getting on down the road... so much left to do.
Such an inspirational story, Holly. The sleeping tiger image is so clear and visceral.
It seems we are delicate but incredibly resilient creatures -- like really good china -- excellent metaphor.
Thanks for your wonderful comments & support!
Wonderful post. We're turning into a nation of fusy, fearful hypochondriacs. Thanks for your reminder that there is another way.
Wonderful post. I've often said that the only good thing that came out of having the cancer experience was that it makes people less afraid to live life on their own terms. I live in the moment now (and I was just a caregiver).......but I sometimes think that living in the moment was the gift I was given. Enjoy all the new adventures!
Thank you, Patrick & Hulagirl!
I love your writing... there's a peaceful strength to it. Maybe PEI isn't that bad, we have family there and so we don't get to do the fun tours usually. On our next visit I will think of you. Thank you for sharing your story. :)
I love your writing... there's a peaceful strength to it. Maybe PEI isn't that bad, we have family there and so we don't get to do the fun tours usually. On our next visit I will think of you. Thank you for sharing your story. :)
A great story of making the most of time and of tigers.