I have a confession to make. I had pre-marital sex. Oh the horror! No, really, my mom still doesn't know about it and we sort of dance around the issue. We play this little game. It's sort of comical. Let me give you an example. This is the round-about dialogue that took place after she found out Avram and I were essentially living together the months leading up to our wedding:
"So he's spending the night? But how do you get dressed without seeing each other naked?"
"We change in the bathroom, Mom. It's fine."
"Well, okay."
Oh, my sainted mother. Bless her heart. Anyway, I didn't just have sex with Avram. Actually, there was someone before him that I'll call Penis X. Penis X and I dated all through high school and finally consummated our relationship my first week at college- on my roommates sheets. Complete accident. Roommate didn't want her sheets back. Regardless, it was by far the worst sexual encounter of my entire life, but for some reason I kept doing it. Here's the important part: We never used a condom. Ever. Was I stupid? No, I was a very smart girl. Was he stupid? Yes, he was very, very unintelligent, but that's not my point. We both knew how you get pregnant. I was a biology major for crying out loud. We weren't worried about STDs because we were both virgins (like, real virgins, not "Oral sex isn't sex" virgins). BUT MY GOD, WOMAN!! NEVER USED A CONDOM?!?!?! The fact that I never got pregnant is one of the primary reasons why I believe there is a God. (Or Penis X is sterile. But I will spin this how I like it.)
Why? Why never use a condom? Well, that's a not-very-complicated question that really has everything to do with our upbringing. Now, my mom never told me about condoms. Actually, she never even told me about sex. I had to learn everything from my girlfriends. Mom did manage to get across that sex, whatever it was, was bad- very, very bad. So-bad-that-we-can't-even-talk-about-it bad. In middle school I signed one of those "Abstinence Pledges" after a "True Love Waits" course that used phrases such as "heavy petting". Super exciting. Then I signed another one in high school after another "True Love Waits" course. And mom gave me a purity ring, which, as a side note, is actually a very nice piece of jewelry.
Penis X had it even worse than I did. His dad was a Southern Baptist preacher. Penis X wasn't allowed to do anything. He couldn't listen to secular music, wasn't allowed to see PG-13 movies and had a really early curfew. He signed all of those pledges too.
We both were sure that pre-marital sex makes God angry and makes us bad people. So, when the time finally came when we could have used one of those "condoms" that we had heard of, there were none to be found. We couldn't buy them either. If we did buy them, that meant we would have pre-meditated pre-marital sex, which was even worse than accidental pre-marital sex. It's the difference between spitting in God's face versus accidentally whoops! afterwards. We also didn't really talk about the fact that we had sex. It was very bizarre in retrospect. There was absolutely no pleasure at all in it for me. Actually, it sort of hurt. He didn't seem to like it too much either, which is strange. In my opinion, we were both too ashamed of ourselves to admit what was actually going on. It was like Bob Seger's "Night Moves" but twisted and guilt-ridden. Thankfully we broke up about a year later.
I can not begin to tell you how I rejoice to the heavens that I did not end up pregnant with that guy's baby. It would have seriously screwed my life up in ways unimaginable. I'd be a 24 year old divorcee with a 6 year old kid, no money and no college degree. This is what abstinence only education does to people. This is what fundamentalist Christianity and it's denial of sexuality does to people. I could have fucked myself up so bad, just because I didn't want to buy a condom. I was a good girl. Good girls don't have sex before marriage. Good girls don't buy condoms. Good girls sometimes end up pregnant. (Bristol Palin?) Whoops! Immaculate conception? I don't think so.
I write this as a testament to the failure of abstinence only education. It doesn't work. I'm not the only person to have had this experience. It doesn't stop people from having sex. It only renders them ill-equipped and unable to protect themselves when the occasion arises (pun intended). Kids end up pregnant, or worse, with a life-long STD. Teach our kids to respect their bodies- which includes using protection. This "let's pretend sex doesn't exist" is ineffective. Kids know sex exists. We're human. Humans have sex. Humans like having sex. Some humans are going to have sex even though you might tell them not to. And besides, honestly, if the worst thing a person does in their life is have protected pre-marital sex, we would live in a blossoming utopia.
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Marple Fank
Squillo
John Leonard
hyblaean- Julie
Mungular
Rick Lucke
Salon.com
Comments
My parents were very good about talking with us about sex and birth control, which is very clearly the reason why my sisters and I did not end up like 80% of our friends.
Unlike you, I did have the baby at 17, had a 7-year-old at 24, and no college degree. I have three daughters, none of whom have shared my fate because I refuse to make birth control, premarital sex or abortion unpleasant subjects. They're just a fact of life. A few years ago, my daughter and I went to Hamilton College to hear ex-President Clinton speak. He said that when he was president, there were fewer abortions performed in the country and that his administration had done it without making people feel bad, but by funding Planned Parenthood and educating young people about their bodies. That is the way to do it.
You're a lucky thing playing baby roulette like that. Don't do the same thing to your kids. Sounds like you've broken the cycle and won't. monkey fingered.
What's this "sex" thing you keep talking about? That's it, I'm going to have to do a quick internet search on this. I'll be back in a minute....