Little Angeleno

Little Angeleno
Hollywood, California,
September 13
I enjoy smiling at strangers and experimenting with strange vegetables. I fall in love easily and frequently. Formerly known as Hollywood Assistant but have left Tinseltown behind. I'm on a quest to better the world somehow, though I'm not sure what that means yet. I can neither confirm nor deny that these stories are, in fact the truth. You'll just have to go with it.


Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 11, 2009 9:10PM

And All I Could See Was His Penis

Rate: 47 Flag

When I was a young college girl attending theatre school, I was not the fabulous and ultra savvy Hollywood Assistant you see before you. I was awkward, shy and one of three burgeoning thespians that didn't want to be an actress. I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to be cool enough to capture the attention of these gregarious classmates of mine for longer than two seconds of discussion period in which any personal opinions I had of Bertolt Brecht were very soon overshadowed by someone else's deep connection with the reading material. I thought, out of every student at that school, I was the most forgettable.

I changed my major two years into it, but before I did, I got to see some good, solid, provocative college theatre, including a performance of Equus by Peter Shaffer. The play itself has been getting a lot of press recently because Harry Potter shows his unmentionables on stage with a horse for the performances of it in London and now Broadway. The nudity is a required part of every performance of Equus, or at least it should be, and my college's staging of the show was no exception. There are two things I remember about the show: 1) there were these amazing horse masks that were welded out of iron, and 2) the star of the show's penis.

OK, that makes me sound pretty pervy, especially since there wasn't really anything remarkable about his penis. The star was attractive, yes. But I guess I hadn't really seen a lot of penis back then, so this very public unveiling of penis was particularly memorable.

Flash forward to yesterday. I'm at the Target in West Hollywood, picking up some toilet paper and a pot and some new shoes when I hear someone call my name. I turn around and it's the guy! The guy whose penis I will always remember!

But wait a minute... How did he even know my name? Like I'd mentioned earlier, I envisioned myself as this ugly duckling of the theatre school, always on the perifery of the social scene. I can't remember one moment in which I made an impression on anybody.

I tried to play down how flattered I was that he'd remembered me and that he felt inclined enough to even call out to me while I passed him at a department store. My high pitched "Heeeeeyyyy!" is pretty hard to downplay.

"How are you!" I exclaimed. "It's been years!"

"Has it?" he asked thoughtfully. "Ah, yes. I suppose it has."

"What are you up to? Are you still acting?" I inadvertently remembered seeing him get naked on stage. I had to try hard not to literally shake the memory out of my head while I talked to him.

"Ah, well, it's been REALLY slow, you know, because of the strike coming up and everything. But yeah. What about you? You still acting?"

I laughed to myself, satisfied that I was, in fact, as unmemorable as I thought. "Oh no, I never wanted to be an actor. I wanted to write. So I'm doing that, but you know... not professionally or anything, you know, just workin..." Shit. Shit. Shit. I've said too much. Damn it.

"Where are you living now?" He didn't see me kicking myself. Good.

"I'm in Hollywood, you know that little residential area near the canyon. You?"

"Ah, I'm in Silverlake. You know, it's good, just too many chopped haircuts for me."

"You know, it's funny, I just got my haircut today and I was going to go to a barbershop in Silverlake, but I thought I wasn't ready to jump into the whole hipster look thing, so I went someplace else and got some bangs." Why can't I just shut up?

"Ah, well. They're very pretty. You look very well." There was a pause as he gave me a sort of charming side smile. "Are you on facebook?" he asked.

"YEAH! You should come find me on facebook!"

"Yeah, I'll find you on facebook. See ya."

I breathed a sigh of relief, but only to myself, as there were other Target shoppers about and I didn't want them seeing how flustered I'd just become. And also, I hoped they couldn't recognize how big of an asshole I am since I couldn't remember the guy's full name. I was too busy thinking to myself, "I've seen your penis!"

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You had me at "Penis." :-) Thumbed.

I try desperately to dodge people from college years when I didn't know them well. I can NEVER remember their names. Never.

But ha! You do have a clear memory of his penis so you know that's something.
Strike, schmike! It’s pilot season!

Very fun read. And your private reaction to having talked about your writing, “ Shit. Shit. Shit. I've said too much. Damn it.” Verrrry funny.
you're far too talented to settle for some second rate actor, fer gosh sake...
As far as I know, many penises are seen quite often.
I wanted to add: I laughed so much reading this......Thanks
Funny. I guess you really can get anything at Target - including penis flashbacks.
Never underestimate....the power of the penis.

Thumbed ;)
Ha! You write about those awkward moments that we've all had, whether remembering seeing someone's penis or otherwise, very well. I loved the "Why can't I just shut up?"
I love the idea that you remember him only for his penis and you didn't even sleep with him.
This is so funny and charming...I would be all "penispenispenis" too.

But then, penii delight me in general.

...I grew up in Silverlake, so this is just too fun for me.
M. Chariot feels something quite similar whenever he reads a Lonnie Lazar essay.
I didn't realize you could look someone up on Facebook by remembering their penis. BRB....
Brilliant! At least you did call him Dick, which might have been awkward.
Word, Catamite Bastard. This one is a PECKER CHECKER. Awesome post.
ha! funny! thanks for articulating this 'babbling while thinking i've seen your dick'- moment.
Cute. So do you have a PLAN, sans penis visions, of what you are going to do when he looks you up on facebook? ;-)

Cute! If only I had kept a log of all the penis' I saw in college...sigh.
@Monte: When/if he contacts me on facebook, I plan to "play it cool" AKA run away in the opposite direction.
Well if he ends up contacting you on Facebook, at least one element won't be left to... your imagination. Great post!
Hahaha- at least you didn't blurt out 'You the guy with the penis!'
Did you ever figure out how he remembered you? Stage lights are so powerful that I'm sure it wasn't, "Hey, that chick in the audience is staring at my penis."
@Diotima: We had met before, and it was a small school. He was dating one of my roommate's friends, so I assume that he must have remembered me because of that acquaintance. However. If he remembers me for a much more embarrassing reason that I am currently unaware of, I will be mortified.
Rated. I wouldn't have been able to do/think anything different, either.
Very funny and difficult trying to come up with the right words. I met Art Alexakis of Everclear in Target once. I did not see his penis, but I did act the fool.
During this very funny and poignantly recognizable exchange, did you look at his face? Otherwise, how will you know him on FB?
The first time I ever saw Susan Sarandon she was shopping in the place where I worked. When she came up to the counter, I could barely speak to her (she was my first celebrity) because all I could think was "I'VE SEEN YOU NAKED!" And not just naked but going down on James Spader. How are you supposed to sell someone an orchid with that playing in your head? Easy, shift gears to.....hmmm, Rocky Horror? Not much better.
Ha ha, very funny!
God Damn It. The cover page? I hope he never finds me.
Hahahaha! What a great story. This is totally how I would have responded too.
Falling down laughing. Love this! Also rated.
Heh. What's the porpoise doing?
Swimming along in a tuna school.
There is a better verbal intercourse,
based on more inner sensations? Yes.
Open. It's exquisite. Better than biological.
Of course, we are humans who are attraction.
I am saying:`No relation will survive, if 'dead'...
It's best to Know a inward Beauty in one-another.
If you see this guy again, I'm sure he'd be very pleased to know that you remember him for more than his merely memorable penis.

What's to be flustered about? He had voices in his head too.