I'm sitting in a bedroom in my grandmother's house in Hawaii the morning before my flight back to Los Angeles. It's about 7 am here. There are sounds of snoring and morning news permeating the atmosphere. Even though it's cool, the humidity is making my hair stick to my neck. I don't want to go back. That's the child in me who doesn't want to go to school. I don't want to do the work it takes to survive in the city. I want to play and frollick and be young and hip. I'm tired of every resume I send out being met with silence. I don't want to be poor and unemployed anymore. 

Yes, I'm still unemployed. I came home to celebrate my grandma's birthday and also to clear my head. That's the thing about money, especially when you don't have it. It's a cancer that never really goes away. Even if I had money I'd still be worrying about it. Probably not as much though. 

I'm in a waiting period of my life. I applied to grad school and I'm waiting to hear if I got in or not. It's a program I'm very excited about and getting in would mean that I know what I'm doing for the next two years. That's stability! So I'm just waiting.

I should probably tell the guy that I'm seeing that this is the absolute worst time to get to know me. I'm scared and broke and I'm not doing the best job of taking care of myself. I'm very glad that he's in my life, though. Whenever I break down and freak out, he tells me, "This is only temporary." And then he tells me that I'm a stone fox and then I feel better.

I recently gave some advice to a friend of mine, advice that I'm apparently unwilling to take myself. She told me that she doesn't want to continue with the bad habits that have become patterns in her life. I told her that she should imagine her ideal self five years from now. Five years because that's still realistic and attainable, but an improvement on the current situation. I told her to imagine and describe specifically how she saw herself in five years, what she looked like, what she's doing, where she is, and if that is her ideal self, what small steps can she take to work towards that. It made her feel a lot better.

Inspired by the wisdom that my current situation is temporary, I'm going to take my own advice.

Me at 31

 It's 10:30am PST, June 24 of 2015, and I imagine myself pregnant. I'm newly married, and I'm working right up until the moment my labor pains start. I see myself in my own small and beautiful office in downtown LA, where I'm talking on the phone to vendors, other non-profit organizations and philanthropists. I'm discovering the newest, most exciting artists and musicians in the city and building relationships with them and their managers in hopes of supporting them and their community. I have a wooden desk, an Apple laptop, a plant for my office and I'm surrounded by art and sunlight.

My hair is still long, but very nicely maintained. I have bangs. I'm still not wearing much make up, and there are a few smile lines appearing around my eyes. My maternity dress is from some cute, bohemian boutique in Los Feliz or Silverlake. I'm wearing comfortable flats, a shawl and long earrings.

At 6pm I lock my office door and head outside, and I walk to my apartment a few buildings down. I nod at the passersby, the people walking their dogs, the businesspeople, the artists, the homeless men and women. I take the elevator up to my loft apartment, where I live with my husband and our dog (an English Bulldog). My husband has just come back from walking her, and I set about making us dinner and straightening the house.

We are a young couple, and very much in love.  Although we'd prefer to stay home and rub my growing belly, I have to attend a networking event of some sort, and he is a great date. I'm meeting a lot of very important people in the world of politics and social change, and maintaining my relationships with my friends in entertainment.

 At around 10pm, I'm starting to feel very tired and my husband takes us home. We fall into our queen featherdown mattress and he talks to our baby in my belly until I go to sleep. I'm not worried. I'm happy. My business is growing and although the future is still mysterious, I know that I'm doing good in the world. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.