the cauterization of desire
is it a look that passes between two people?
a word?
some arbitrary sending of chemicals?

*poof*

the mythical magical blank that is my heart
not a hole, just a silence
pure, deep
snow on a path that was not taken

look away fool
don't you know enough to not stare when someone's crying
shit, forgot who i was talking to
your long blonde hair blowing up dandelion like
wishes to wind
and then your eyes fill with tender brown...concern? oh please, spare me that

I wish you hell, no really I do, don't laugh
I'm not… Read full post »

They were not there as protestors (well, not solely), or tourists, they were there in their professional capacity as nurses offering first aid to a crowd of people.

and you arrested them Rahm (let's go all the way to the top, where the blame actually does belong and not to… Read full post »

nope, not a damn thing
where are my words?
where is the flow- the river of letters that swirl around my fingers as I lazily float along by?
the mesmerizing jumbled jungle of sounds that are a beacon
flashing on and off in this darkness offering the safety of dry land

nada
oh well.

*hums*

there is a bliss to ordinary
especially in the eyes of those of us who have stood outside and craved
the warmth of being normal
of fitting in

i see them playing
happy
goofy
jealousy is tempered with love
desire to step through the screen
and the song rolls through me
her voice exactly right
so few things are… Read full post »

we make useless motions with our bodies
especially our mouths
spinning around and around
the cycle almost predictable if only we could see clearly

she is naked outside
a child alone
and people are staring, confused

goddess help me, this is too much
i cannot help, all i  can do is watch
and these meds… Read full post »

rough and scratchy
my face is dry as my voice
shh, some peace in here, please!
turn that damn thing off, would you?

the smell is never clean here, but never doggy
the combination makes my stomach roil
but I have a smile
for this hour at least

the paperwork has not snowed me in
the phone has… Read full post »

really, we all need to hear about your gang troubles at 3am? Mother F'in this and Mother F'in that, Latin Kings la la la. Isn't it enough that you fucking teens drive around blaring your car stereos and honking at all hours of the night, drive by smashing of windows and… Read full post »

the pain
my heart crushing in on itself
trying to squeeze into the smallest space possible
this is not right
looking at you all
not right
medicine is pathetic, stupid, small
modern day consumption owns this building
rages through it, victimizing
eventually the clock carries us through another day
as we each wa… Read full post »

land- the origin of all our security and sustinance

 "Happy" Memorial Day.
and Thank You to all those who serve or have served

We sit, our work done sitting as opposed to other nurse's running, scurrying to beat the clock
waiting, waiting, we are part of the mechanism of this timepiece
the families flow in and out of the room, a rich set of personalities and color
usually in here is painted white- white/… Read full post »

 and it takes 5 min to comment (if it even sticks at all and doesn't bounce me)

I'm sure those are all real people... along with the other 'real' people leaving comments that have "buy my crappy shit" in them

if i am swept along
this ride, this darkness

so soon forgotten when it goes
the rising tide as it returns

really? what is this? oh shit, oh shit!
I am hanging over a utter blankness
not the gray dialtone of true endless depression
but the short sharp shock of the come and go variety
I prefer this, can… Read full post »

i am scanning through websites
my attention lint like
tenacious
refusing to be moved from this subject
pictures of children raised by dogs
my own dogs at ease on the sofa raised by humans
one smiles at me
a new expression he's just learned
I wonder at this, and wonder at my wondering
my dictionary a hot mess… Read full post »

ugh...sorry, drunken spew, and a bad judgement call last night

appreciate the support though and OS connectivity gods willing I will be over to see what you all have written tonight

was reading through old posts and found this...it's still true, years later

they are in the walls
I can hear them scrabbling around for purchase
mewling to get out like starved house pets
wondering where my former love for them is
my dreams know how fickle i am
bouncing from one idea to another
one… Read full post »

i tell you my heart is here, it is here *places hand on chest* and here *hand to head*
I know this
or i think i know this
so loose i sit in myself these days
just going and going
feels so good to be useful
to have people smile at me happily again instead… Read full post »

I find myself suddenly resentful, watching the Egyptians live their dream. Taking an amorphous goal (really only an idea of what is right and true) and achieving it through sheer strength of numbers and will. Where is the American dream?

It's not that I don't love my country, it's just that… Read full post »

to know that you are there
breathing, completely without pain
the sound of the oxygen humidifying machine hissing and pumping away
I sit one bed over and watch you sleep
soft snores
pretty, colorful sheets
delicate white wisps of hair over
pink skin warm to the touch

your family is wonderful
I can't tell you… Read full post »

I love you- cannot imagine what the world would be like without you, and am so glad that you are still here and still you

you scared me during chemo- you really died at times- like a guttering flame, there and giving off tiny heat but then sometimes I would look… Read full post »

i swim in the waters of womanhood
the whales on either side of me giving me direction
raising themselves and me to the top to get air

the water is not cold
the heat of mutual bodies
warming the flows

this is ok I think
different from what i'd been taught to expect as a child
but very good… Read full post »

fear of failure
fear of not being good enough
fear of not being a good person
fear of not having a place to live
fear of not being loved
fear of suicide
fear of my disease

may they wither in reality- i don't see this as the new year, so next year I will do it on… Read full post »

what would it take to lift you up out of this mood?
paranoid, suspicious, hurt and striking out
you look at me with his eyes
and I wonder where he is today?
most likely jail, which is fortunate for us all
you jab at your friend on the phone
viciously pointed comments
stabbing him over and over
as… Read full post »

what the hell are you wandering around for?

i'd pull out my hair, but it's already too thin from the dramatic weight loss :p

I feel like a dementia patient who has no fucking clue why they are walking down a hall, but keeps walking out the emergency exit, setting… Read full post »