that shit's just nasty

oh goddess protect my nonnie

ok, I'm just obsessed at this point. I want those boys (and girls, I'm sure a few bitches participated) brought into an arena and torn apart as the crowd cheers and have it be put on a pay per view, with all the proceeds going to that girl's therapy.… Read full post »

broken, just broken...not crying, but god I am sucker punched, Belweather's post *taking a break to get myself calmed down and some coffee*

hostile, frustrated, mute
I gather in the anger and rage
suffocate it because I know that is what is needed

She is pale, so bloodless these days with dark pits… Read full post »

hostile, frustrated, mute
I gather in the anger and rage
suffocate it because I know that is what is needed

She is pale, so bloodless these days with dark pits for eyes
her hair is gone, little wisps still remaining
tired, always asleep on the porch when I first get… Read full post »

none lately- I'm ok, my mom got a transfusion, she's not ok, but it will be ok, hopefully, I ordered 2 books (both psychopharm) w/ Karen's blessing and did work today at her office, so am feeling content- I love the new office, told her i want to go there a… Read full post »

I am depressed on an off. Usually it's more of an on thing, with gasps of air in between drownings.

The day before we put Micah down was the last time I was seriously in trouble and the first time since 15 I was in that much trouble. I do… Read full post »

been helping Karen move offices since 8- weird, had no idea how much time had gone by- cool!

I wasn't tired before, but that realization has made me tired- going to go play video games for a bit and get tipsy

What I said about that guy yesterday was too harsh… Read full post »

that is what you want from her- not for her to find happiness, not for her to develop and grow as a person, dude, you want to get into her pants and that is all. She knows it. YOU feel ambivalent- why are you suprised she feels the same towards your… Read full post »

sept 11- I hate the way they call it 911- not sure why, but it rankles

really tired today, not feeling like writing or engaging, just want to take 2 steps back and think of peace inside my own head- quiet- shut up

thinking if i am depressed, really i'm not,… Read full post »

teary today, sensitive, over extended, no skin, sitting here naked in my soul just waiting for the first punch not knowing where it will land

heard back from that guy- yup, i called him- he did go with someone else, but 'called around for me' and will 'highly recommend' me to… Read full post »

she didn't fuck him over- how cool is that!! seriously I dont' even mean that snidely. go both of you! and he managed to get her out of his place in a month- that is pretty good, he must be a really good psych person.

the theme of the morning on here is: good enough. That or bad parenting, I can't tell which.

Good enough
I was never good enough
though always loved
the pressure of perfection
rides high on my shoulders
i carry it with ease and grace
just don't watch me fall on my face

I can't be… Read full post »

.

with their life.

I cry each and every time I visit the art museum it reminds me of failure.

His work is like my own- he sculpts like a woman

i hurt, oh goddess i hurt today as if someone has cut out the very essence of me and burned it… Read full post »

I'm a sz 4 in old navy jeans again- booya! like i wrote heather, i'z a loser, but i'z a skinny loser :/

I don't think he's going to give me the job. Called him today and he said he wasn't supposed to even be in and he'd call me tomorrow.… Read full post »

whine, oooowwwwww, whine

i have cramps, nasty hurty wet sliding knife type cramps. we have to go to my folks this afternoon and i desperately need a shower and am just not up for it. coffee, aleve, heating pads, this will work, it will. got my glasses on now, that is… Read full post »

thank you for hosting this community. I don't appreciate it enough.

Afro Celt Sound Machine- Vol 1, 2, 3, and Pod
Ani DiFranco- anything, but Like I said and Not a Pretty Girl were the ones I started with
Counting Crows- August and Everything After
Eric Clapton- Rush
Gomez- 5 men in a hut
Indigo Girls- Indigo Girls and Rites of Passage
Melissa Etheridge- Melissa Etheridge
M… Read full post »

so tired, I could go upstairs to bed, but for some reason I'm not- curiousity? the game? trying to pretend I have the job and already am on the night shift?

I think I just talked myself into going to bed- goodnight

nope, I can do this 11-7 would be… Read full post »

anticipatory grieving
we are talking on the phone and she says a special was on about breast cancer and it was really good- but they were all young- I say you are young- she says this has aged me in a tired cold voice. she is not ok today +2 pitting edema… Read full post »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUMwu_gXK7Q

no idea why i have that ear worm, but it's there

I am grateful to have OS, all the people here both challenging and supporting. It's a good place.

I have nothing to say today. My verbal diarrhea of  yesterday seems to have abated. I'm tired. Karen got m… Read full post »

lit up like a warm June day
basking in a glow that comes from the sun I hold in my hands
I feel warmth for the first time
I feel love for the first time
peace is not the goal for once
no cool depths for me to hide in
but fire, burning, cauterizing fire to cast… Read full post »

I think I have lithium induced hypomania. I'm looking online and all I can find is this: http://bjp.rcpsych.org/cgi/content/abstract/153/6/828

I feel- good. really good. hyper, productive- thinking more clearly than usual, much, much quicker. I was able to read a long article even though i had to tak… Read full post »