hyblaean- Julie

hyblaean- Julie
Chicagoish, Illinois, USA
September 30
42; army brat; bisexual... open relationship with my female partner of 11 years; perpetually confused, which makes me look like i'm doing a ditzy act, but actually it's not put on; middle class in cash if not culture (freaking finally); INFP/INFJ; SSRI, lithium, nicotine lozenge and caffeine dependent. Driven to laziness, odd fits of needing to 'fix' things, subthreshold hypomanic moments of productiveness (rarely) and random weirdness (often). --------------------------- If you have regular suicidal thoughts, please try lithium. It's worth a shot and has worked wonders for me.


Hyblaean- Julie's Links

OCTOBER 4, 2010 4:40PM


i am typing one handed, you nestled in the crook of an arm
burrito babied because it was all i could think to do
and it worked
listen to that
oh thank god/dess

afraid to kiss the top of your head
although i desperately want to
savoring my moment of freedom so's that i almost don't… Read full post »

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OCTOBER 3, 2010 1:09PM


I grieve for my loss of you
the sounds of the language, the rhythm and cadence so different from what i hear in my head
the green everywhere, god the green, little do i know at the time that I will never see that color again in it's true form when i leave… Read full post »

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OCTOBER 1, 2010 6:22PM

the rules don't mean shit

they seem to ruin the whole

I agree with you, but then read, and it's all technique and no soul

SEPTEMBER 27, 2010 12:29PM

morning pages 9.27.10

jesus, jesus, jesus

I am angry today, burning, searing hot pain above my right breast . Just madder than mad. I am trying to get a woman to call me back about a PCT job- yeah, PCT :p I know, I know- wtf, but you work with the foods in your… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 26, 2010 2:52AM


pinned and pined
my mind goes around the bend
and then back again
what was I looking for?
oh yes, that, that is perfect
huh?  I am so lost
focus, ok, focus now
there, that'll do it. Read full post »

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SEPTEMBER 24, 2010 9:09PM


I blow myself to the wind
white little dust motes with a feather top
each piece of me a seed to create
there are no seeds to destroy
only lack of fulfillment of potential life
I wonder if I like this image
so benign in it's grace
could life possibly be like that
 all rounded edges without hollows… Read full post »

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SEPTEMBER 23, 2010 11:36PM

I do love you very much though

my family and friends, and acquaintances. You float my world and make it bearable to go on. At least if I am not good I know good people and sometimes make them happy or touch them, if that makes sense?

SEPTEMBER 23, 2010 9:14PM


grief, joy
it washes over and through
saturates every cell almost to bursting
awakening life like a fire of joy
killing life like a winter without sun
I am alive
You are alive, and will stay that way
I love you my Nonnie

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SEPTEMBER 23, 2010 1:37PM

ok, this is why they don't want me there

I'm terrified and panicing. You can't tell, but oh sweet jesus I feel like my heart is going to explode and crumble at the same time.

Nonnie. I haven't heard anything which means they are still inside your skin. That makes me want to scream until hoarse.

You are out,… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 23, 2010 12:01PM


ok, that is not true, I do get angry with them. I just don't stay angry long. When they didn't want to have Karen over for Sun dinner because she was a woman and they were hoping it was a phase, I got angry. Angry enough that I was willing to… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 23, 2010 11:42AM

clean nodes

4-5 more hours to go- jesus that is a long surgery

I never get angry with my Ps but if I was ever going to, not being allowed to ever be with her during hospital appts and surgery would get my goat...as it is, I'm just grateful he called with an… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 21, 2010 6:11PM

gagggg oohhh gagggg

that shit's just nasty

SEPTEMBER 21, 2010 5:32PM

my nonnie

oh goddess protect my nonnie

SEPTEMBER 18, 2010 1:06PM

9.18.10 morning pages

ok, I'm just obsessed at this point. I want those boys (and girls, I'm sure a few bitches participated) brought into an arena and torn apart as the crowd cheers and have it be put on a pay per view, with all the proceeds going to that girl's therapy.… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 16, 2010 3:16PM

9.16.10 morning pages

broken, just broken...not crying, but god I am sucker punched, Belweather's post *taking a break to get myself calmed down and some coffee*

hostile, frustrated, mute
I gather in the anger and rage
suffocate it because I know that is what is needed

She is pale, so bloodless these days with dark pits… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 16, 2010 2:53PM


hostile, frustrated, mute
I gather in the anger and rage
suffocate it because I know that is what is needed

She is pale, so bloodless these days with dark pits for eyes
her hair is gone, little wisps still remaining
tired, always asleep on the porch when I first get… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 16, 2010 12:20AM

i have no interest in writing morning pages

none lately- I'm ok, my mom got a transfusion, she's not ok, but it will be ok, hopefully, I ordered 2 books (both psychopharm) w/ Karen's blessing and did work today at her office, so am feeling content- I love the new office, told her i want to go there a… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 14, 2010 11:19PM

i love this song, just rediscovered it

SEPTEMBER 13, 2010 6:45PM

9.13.10 morning/afternoon pages

I am depressed on an off. Usually it's more of an on thing, with gasps of air in between drownings.

The day before we put Micah down was the last time I was seriously in trouble and the first time since 15 I was in that much trouble. I do… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 12, 2010 8:54PM

9.12.10 morning pages in the evening

been helping Karen move offices since 8- weird, had no idea how much time had gone by- cool!

I wasn't tired before, but that realization has made me tired- going to go play video games for a bit and get tipsy

What I said about that guy yesterday was too harsh… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 11, 2010 11:41PM

she doesn't want to sleep with you

that is what you want from her- not for her to find happiness, not for her to develop and grow as a person, dude, you want to get into her pants and that is all. She knows it. YOU feel ambivalent- why are you suprised she feels the same towards your… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 11, 2010 2:12PM

morning pages 9.11.10

sept 11- I hate the way they call it 911- not sure why, but it rankles

really tired today, not feeling like writing or engaging, just want to take 2 steps back and think of peace inside my own head- quiet- shut up

thinking if i am depressed, really i'm not,… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 8, 2010 12:46PM

9.8.10 morning pages

teary today, sensitive, over extended, no skin, sitting here naked in my soul just waiting for the first punch not knowing where it will land

heard back from that guy- yup, i called him- he did go with someone else, but 'called around for me' and will 'highly recommend' me to… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 7, 2010 5:56PM


she didn't fuck him over- how cool is that!! seriously I dont' even mean that snidely. go both of you! and he managed to get her out of his place in a month- that is pretty good, he must be a really good psych person.

SEPTEMBER 7, 2010 5:52PM

9.7.10 morning pages

the theme of the morning on here is: good enough. That or bad parenting, I can't tell which.

Good enough
I was never good enough
though always loved
the pressure of perfection
rides high on my shoulders
i carry it with ease and grace
just don't watch me fall on my face

I can't be… Read full post »

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