her warm body is beautiful to me
to crawl under the covers after study or play
to reach out and have her weight be an existance in the world
the soft smell of her skin and hair surrounding me like a net of safety
the darkness of the room, the quiet of the house
peace is… Read full post »

i could slit my own throat
and know i am no where
it doesn't matter which country
which men do the deed
it's always us against them
they care about their ambition
more than their families
than the families of others
we eat and kill and maim and rape and enjoy it
i hope our species destroys itself before we… Read full post »

so i promised myself to write something real about that time- not even going to spell check this, just overtired freeflow (i've got a bio final tomorrow and it's another all nighter)- but please, this time, write me and tell me you got it- ok? Don't need feedback on it, but… Read full post »

When I was 22
I dated a man 4 years my junior- barely legal having just turned 18
I felt so old
his last girlfriend was 16 and he teased me about my weight
I was about a sz 10 when he met me, which was the largest i'd ever been
I knew he'd break… Read full post »

i know my own
the hot breathless panting of their fear
or is it lust
i am not sure what makes someone bisexual or gay
but i can see my own intensity mirrored in their expressions
straight people lack that tension
they lack the highwire breathlessness that is being secreted away inside yourself

she tells me i am not alone
and it's no big mystery
i have Karen for that
but to hear it outloud outLOUD
i just want to hear it said
to have it be acknowledged
to hear it reverberate and be recognized
i can feel our love for her
bubbling
all of us different yet not unique
connected
she… Read full post »

I want to explore you- just having seen the tip of your soul-
a slow moving elephant of an iceberg- mountains folding in and around
it as smooth protection from the wind

you are grace to me- the sincerity of you, the delicacy of what you
don't say mixed with the harshness of your words-… Read full post »

she is driving me absolutely crazy
it's not that i don't sympathize
she wants what she wants and that's money
and i want what i want and that's ....
 that's the question, isn't it
i want art
and medicine
and caretaking
and love
and writing
and reading
and flowers and green
i want everything
unfiltered and… Read full post »

trying really really hard
to be a good wife and not be resentful
but i ache with my own lonliness and
this constant annoyance I feel bubbling up
at your lack of consitancy is overwhelming some days
This is marriage
i guess
so this is marriage...

I was so deperately lonely
it was torture to have to walk by people
sandpaper against my soul to be in the room with someone else
and yet i yearned for it
needed it more than a cigarette
more than my daily coffee
I was addicted to a drug that i never seemed to have… Read full post »

i am listening to a story that reminds me so much of you
although everything lately reminds me of you
i'm getting married
wow, huh
you'd be pissed and horrified, and probably still hate me
but i want you to know
want you to be there
want to still be your best friend and have you be… Read full post »

I have my own ways and modes of doing things
I would not like them broken or looked too closely at
God is not God but a calming mechanism
I have my astrology and my OCD tics to sooth me
others have a mystical book or rosary
it is all the same
the need to be soothed… Read full post »

it's strange
i don't feel jealous at all
i feel done
ready to walk away from you
house mine
animals mine
including Kosi
don't even think of taking him from me you selfish bitch
you don't deserve any of us
and we don't deserve you
yes it is you
it is your lack of being able to be happy… Read full post »

the words are gone
after all this time
i look around and they have failed me
no permenant record
no reckoning
the falling rock slide
that is my memory
the only documentation
i feel a loss in this
a sense of self betrayal
and somewhere deep inside
i hear a faint sigh of relief

i learned depression at my mother's breast
the slow decay of time as i sucked contentedly
swollowing tears and milk the same
a voracious one drinking anything she had to give me

and now it's time to unlearn
like attending a drawing class
everything you know is not
throw out all those misconceptions, the wor… Read full post »

I'm in the kitchen watching Trouble
a desperate bulldog whos been trying to get it on
with my neutered mutt for 2 days now
it's frustrating for all of us
"next time don't be so fuckin eager"
I am giggling at this until the reference hits me
natural born killers
sitting in the theater with Todd his… Read full post »

when fear unravels
it coils loosely in your belly
a thousand worms writhing in manure
i worry that i worry
my intuition scary sometimes
especially about my body
i fear my fear most of all
she is looking away not seeing
and i see in her the reactions of X1 and X2
I can hate her,… Read full post »

watching this movie of a woman destroying
not physically but emotionally destroying everything she touches
and it should be about creation

the corners inside me where i am afraid to look
i am supposed to put a light in there
to look and know and understand
but beyonde hyre lye monsters
unknown
am i really so… Read full post »

i am so afraid today
the cost, pain, and having to stunt my desire to get in at a higher level for once instead of having to claw my way up from 6ft under
not even frustrated just plain fear
so tired

She wants blood
always thought it was a myth
but the thorn bush sings to me as i walk past
and i think of my period washing out of me onto the earth
and i know it's not that kind of blood she seeks
it's live blood, needed blood
and in my mind I prick my finger… Read full post »

i love my planet
i do
i sit here and thank god/love/life for the gift of seeing it all unfold
the grace of rock
shapes of life
i know that if i went to mars i would not be able to breathe
that i would need all sorts of contraptions to even live
but i want to… Read full post »

i smell and need a shower
i am scared of failing
i am scared of suceeding
i am scared of suceeding and then hurting someone with stupidity
i am scared Karen will leave me
i am scared that i'm not good enough
i am scared that my best isn't good enough
i am scared that i will not… Read full post »

back when i could be anything
when my highs were high as my lows were low
when i believed in myself
and my words raced on before my mind and i struggled to follow
the world just beyond the touch of my fingers
the thoughts just beyond the touch of my mind
I miss the energy, though… Read full post »

i am much less intimidated by having a needle in my hand
a paintbrush seems to be a line pointing into the past, directly to my failure
a needle is practical, sturdy, usefull
it's not the slightest bit pretentious or egotistical
i can hold it with ease and without guilt
my mind does not critsize me… Read full post »

please tell your students you would like XYZ, if what you want is XYZ- don't ask them for XY and expect them to magically intuit that that is not what you really want from them

sigh, I hate B's, in this program you have to get 92 and above to… Read full post »