Alex is the 20 year old neighbor/friend of mine and my kids who lives just up the street from us. My last post was about her. She came home from the hospital yesterday to live out her remaining few days of life. She is dying from esophagus cancer at almost 21 years old. Her birthday is on June 29.

I've been wanting to see her, to speak with her before she dies....and  yet, I didn't want to see her  under these tragic conditions. So, I decided to write her a letter so she can read it or someone else can read it to her. In this letter I express my feelings and love for her. I decided that it was more important that she know of my feelings about her rather than actually see me in person. Seeing me losing control of my emotions around her, would not be  helpful to her....I rationalized. So I went to her house to give someone the letter. Fortunately for me, she was asleep and so I didn't have to "visit" with her. Instead I visited with her relatives while Alex lay in the next room soundly asleep. Just before I was getting ready to leave, feeling relatively lucky that I didn't have to say anything to her, her relative asked me if I would like to see her. Even though I didn't want to, I was sort of  curious to see what she looked like. Since she was asleep, why not take a peek at her? How difficult could  that be? It might help with closure. I slowly walked into the sitting room and imediately my eyes fell upon a soundly sleeping Alex. She looked so peaceful and without pain. Yes, she looked frail. Yes, her head was bald. Yes, her skin looked yellowish, but even with all that, she didn't look as intimidating or pathetic as I thought she would look. All I could do was look at her young cancer filled body and carefully place a gentle kiss on her sleeping head.....amazed at how peaceful she looked as she slept.

Did I shed some tears? Of course I did. How could I not? Once more before I left the house, I reminded her relatives to please read my letter to her. It was important to me that she know how I felt. They assured me they would. I left Alex's home feeling much more at peace than I had for about a week or so. I felt just a tad less sad than I had been lately. I was definitely glad that I went over to her home with my letter.

 Later in the evening, I recieved a phone call from a priest at my church whom I knew. He told me that he stopped by to visit with Alex shortly after I left. I was suprised since Alex and her family had not been practicing Catholics. He told me he met her while making hospital visits and that she ended up rejoining the Church which included receiving the sacraments she had never received as a younger child. He told me that Alex started reading my letter, but was having a little trouble doing so and so her brother took over. After he struggled because of tears, the priest took my letter and read it out loud to Alex and those near by. Apparently, the letter meant a great deal to her and her family. As a matter of fact, her brother also called me to thank me for the letter. I was so touched by the gratefulness of them. I also heard that Alex's Dad made a comment that I was no coward to be able to write that letter. Once again, I was touched. Why is it, that when I go out of my way for someone else, I just about always end up on the receiving end? Below is my letter to Alex:

Dear Alex,
 
I've been wanting to visit with you so badly....and yet, I haven't wanted to. Why?   I'm a pathetic coward, that's why.   I'm so afraid of seeing you in your condition....frail and suffering.  I want my image of you to be the one I've always had of you.....your  beautiful face with the gorgeous smile and contagious laughter.  I don't want to see you hurting.....I can't see you hurting.  Another reason I decided not to visti with you (besides the fact that you might not want visitors) is because I know all I'll do at your bedside is cry, cry and cry. I can't help it, but that's what I do when I'm so sad.....so sad that I can't control my tears. You don't need to experience that flood of emotion coming from me. That would not help you the least bit.  And yet, I NEED to express my feelings to you  and about you.
 
Lately, I can't get you off my mind.  You and your situation has taken over all my thoughts and emotions. I can't seem to shake what is going on with you. For what it's worth, I've been praying for you every single night since I found out about your cancer. Unfortunately, my prayers weren't heard....at least not answered the way I desired.  I am hoping that something good ....even if it's just a little something good came out of the prayers. Last night I had a dream about you. I dreamt that when I visited with you, you looked healthy and felt good. In the dream I felt so happy and relieved to see you that way.
 
I'm not sure who I feel worse about....you or your Dad. You, because you're so young and this shouldn't be happening to you.....your Dad, because I know he adores you so much and as a parent, I realize that this is the hardest thing he's gone through. A huge  part of your Dad has died because of your own illness and suffering. After you're in heaven with God, you will no longer suffer....but your Dad will continue his deep suffering for years. I am so sad for both of you.
 
Alex, I will never, never forget you....not only because you've been a friend of the family for so long but also because you are unforgettable! Ever since I've known you, you always had a beautiful smile on your radiant face and it seems like you were always giggling or laughing about something when I was around! Maybe it was me! Maybe you were laughing at me and I didn't know it!   No, I know it wasn't usually me that caused you to smile and laugh so much.....that is just who you are!   You ALWAYS  had a kind word for me, Kevin  or for one of my kids....and we ALWAYS had a kind word for you! My whole family has always thought so much of you, Tyler and your Dad! We are all blessed to have known the three of you.
 
Alex, I'll never forget how YOU tried to comfort ME over Facebook when you and I chatted for a few minutes and you had just told me your latest prognosis. Remember? I started crying and told you I was crying (see why I don't want you to see me in person?) and you tried to make me feel better by trying to convince me that you were ok with things and what was happening. Alex, I am the adult, I was supposed to comfort you...the one who is sick and I couldn't....but you reached out to ME. I'll never forget that....
 
Even though things don't look so good for you, I am still hoping for a miracle for you.....one that will take away your pain and restore your health. That's what I and everyone else wants for you.  But just in case, God has decided that HE wants  YOU with HIM in heaven, I want you to know that I will miss you so much. I will think about you every time I'm at the pool. I will think about you every time I go by your house. I will think about you every time I  walk into CVS...just like I did last night. I will think about you every time I see Tyler or your Dad.  And then there will be times when  you will just randomly pop up in my mind for whatever reason and I will think about you then also. You have impacted my life....obviously, I wouldn't be crying right this minute or have shed any tears at all in the past if you hadn't effected my life.
 
Thank you for the joy you've added to my life and please know that I love you....and will miss you terribly.
Also, if it is time for you to go home to God, will you PLEASE remember me and my family and pray for all of us? And especially pray for your Dad and Tyler. They will need you and your prayers more than anyone.
 
I love you.
Patricia
 
 
P.S. I'm so sorry that I'm a coward and can't be with you physically. I want to hug you and hold you so badly. I wish I was stronger....