I would like to think that as I get older the gift of wisdom is making its home within me. Heck, I need something to replace the beauty of youth I once wore not that many years ago. It's the dance of compromise and compensation. When nature takes away one gift, she replaces it with another....at least that is what my middle age mind is convincing me to believe.

During the quiet times of my life, usually while driving, or while lying in bed before falling asleep, I become introspective. It's during these times I question myself mercilessly trying to figure out why I feel and act the way I do. What is that fundamental drive that causes me to ponder and perform in ways that hinder the emotional hurdles in life instead of gracefully clearing them? Just recently, I think I figured it out....or at least got a glimpse of what makes me tick. Although these insights are beneficial to my emotional and spiritual growth, they're never pretty because they tend to expose me for who I really am, weak, sinful, and extremely vulnerable.

The most recent revelation helped me to see that one source of occasional emotional angst is my inflated ego that's constantly trying to convince me that, “It's all about me.” Closely related to that disagreeable disclosure is selfishness, lack of humility, and a sense of entitlement.

Even admitting these weaknesses of mine causes me to want to hide with humiliation especially when I pride myself as being an extremely thoughtful, generous, and self-giving individual. Of course, as these admissions leak from my finger tips to the keyboard, it dawns on me that the sin of pride hovers around these negative characteristics in my personality as well. They are all connected, interlaced, and woven together skillfully causing a tapestry of havoc in my life.....most of the time without permission.

Looking back on my life, I can clearly see how these imperfections of mine interfered during the first fifty years of my life. As a little girl, I always wanted the “biggest” piece of cake, pie, or bowl of ice-cream when Mom was passing out those desserts after dinner to my siblings and me. After all, I was the oldest and therefore deserved the biggest, the best, or the newest, as though I was more deserving simply because I was born first and the oldest of four. Where did that subconscious bold lie come from? My upbringing? My position in the family of being the most responsible and reliable? Who did I think I was? Did I need the biggest, best, and newest to affirm my existence? What was lacking in my emotional make up, if anything? Did I simply covet and crave the biggest because of my sweet tooth?

Another example of it all being about me happened when I was in second grade. After our whole class would stand up to recite the Catholic prayer, “The Act of Contrition,” I would dutifully bow my little reverend head to recite the prayer....the whole time wondering why my classmates were praying, “The Acts of Patricia.” I couldn't comprehend why it was always me they were praying for each and every day! Was it simply the mishearing of the word “Contrition,” my already expanded ego, or that I was more naughty than most that lead me to think they were praying for me?

Fast forwarding a few decades into adulthood, I can plainly see that my self-centeredness was playing its major role in the sins and wrongdoings in my life. Even though my active conscience would be nudging me toward one direction, I would rationalize why I should go in the opposite direction to achieve what I desired. My morals and spiritual well being stood in my shadow following me where ever I went, but was ignored by the emotional and intellectual self. It was all about me and what I needed for fulfillment and happiness and less about someone else whom I may be hurting or harming.

In general, whenever I felt indignant, slighted, offended, ignored, angered, you name it..... the root of the emotion was undoubtedly self importance or some variation on the same theme. I was not only the center of my own universe, I was supposed to be the center in everyone's universe whether they knew it or not.

Of course I would have vehemently denied such nonsense and provide ample evidence to the contrary....but with age, experience, and contemplation, the truth is starting to challenge my old ways of thinking. As the truth looks me in the eyes with its dazzling, but guilt producing beauty, and its tried true wisdom hits my heart, I feel a burden lifted from my searching soul and replaced with the weightlessness of peace.

If I change my selfish expectations to one of no expectations, my perspective will also change along with the steps to the dance I dance with others. Instead of stepping on people's toes or feeling pain when my own toes get stepped on, I will continue the dance with a joy and grace that will keep me grounded until the day I leave this earth.

It's all about me. Not really....not anymore. My goal from now on is to make it all about you, and in the end, that focus will bring more joy, fulfillment, and peace to my life...instead of the nagging emotions that tease and taunt my tranquility.

There I go again....making it all about me. As you can see, the road ahead of me is long and arduous, but getting there will be half the fun.