I was a dinner last night at my cousin's house when the phone rang.  Over the speaker of the answering machine came a woman's voice.  She was calm, authoritative, and pre-recorded.  She wanted to let us know that, as of today, there have been no documented cases of Swine Flu in Los Angeles county, or in the local school district.  That we should exercise caution, wash our hands, and not send our children to school if they are ill. (Something I like to call proper hygiene and common sense.)  This got us to talking about, what else, Swine Flu!  Amongst our little trio, we all agreed that not a one of us would be taking the TamiFlu until we'd taken full advantage of the flu's perks to lose a minimum of 15 pounds.  It is, after all, getting close to bathing suit season.  Talk about timing.

 However, I digress.

This phone call from the school district reminded me of a smart ass comment I made the other day on Cap'n Parrotdead's post, in which I suggested that the people that can bite him should get a non-fatal dose of Swine Flu.  This of course got me thinkin' that there's a whole list of people I'd like to see catch a dose of Swine Flu, if not The Clap.  I'm not looking for a death toll here, that's a whole separate list and a whole other post. I'm just looking for some discomfort, some vomit, and a whole lot of being sequestered in their homes while mask wearing masses stare at them with distaste trying to make them feel dirty. As I see it, we're only a few weeks away from wielding pitchforks at the infected and burning the linen.

Let's get this straight from the onset.  I am, as my nom de blog suggests, surly.  I err on the side of judgemental and am like a pitbull when I have a grudge.  I carry my grudges around in purses that match my outfits.  Obviously, I'd like to be a better person, who wouldn't.  But it is like losing weight, it requires commitment and effort, and I'm inherently lazy.

So, having said that, here's my list of Swine I'd Like To See Get The Flu (not necessarily in any particular order).

1. Cameron Diaz - I don't know what it is about her, but I just plain hate her.  I've not met her, I've not seen her up close, and I refuse to watch her movies.  She is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

2. Jon Gosselin - you have 8 kids, you shouldn't have time to be having an affair.  If you've got spare time, go baby sit for the freakin' Octomom, since I blame you and Kate for starting this damn multiple birth trend.

3. While we're there, the Octomom and Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar.  Look people, we are not in a race against the Chinese to populate the planet.  

4. Howie Mandel -Something has to slow him down.  He scares me.

5.  The writers of both Bones and House.  I'm hoping some sick leave will give them a little perspective and breathe some life back into the scripts and the characters.  I'm fed up with the formula on House and if it weren't for Hugh Laurie, I would stop watching.  The Dr. Brennan character had more depth in the first season than she does today. Now all they do is talk about how she has no emotional depth.

6. J.J. Abrams - I want him punished for continually running me through an emotional spin cycle with no freakin' resolution on any of his shows.

7. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt "Speidi" - I hope you're not as sad and pathetic as I am and that you don't watch the God awful MTV series The Hills.  If, however, you do, then I'm pretty sure you're with me on this on.

8. Jenny McCarthy - She was annoying from the get go.  Now, I just think she's dangerous and largely unstable.  And really, really loud.

9. Rush Limbaugh - Really, do I need to explain myself?

10. Martha Stewart - Because she can fold a fucking fitted sheet.

For the rest of you, please wash your hands, cover your mouth when you cough and sneeze, wash your hands again, and stay home if you're sick.  I don't want to come to your home with a pitchfork and a Molotov Cocktail, but I will if you push me.