So this afternoon I got an email from Google letting me know that I could join their Google Voice program - woo hoo! New toy to play with.

 So first I have to pick out my new phone number.  Dilemma.  Not only can I pick any area code in the country, but I can pick a word or phrase.  This is one of those times when I wish I was a bit more clever, but I can't think of any 10 letter words or phrases.  Total blank.  So, being totally lame, I pick a local number.  Quick round of low self-esteem about my lack of creativity and I move on.

Now I have to choose to what number I will have Google Voice forward my calls.  I start out with my home phone and I set up my generic voice mail.  "Hi!  This is iamsurly and I'm not interested in talking to you at the moment.  Leave a message and I'll debate calling you back.  Bite me and have a nice day."

Okay, so now what?  First I decide to call myself and see how the whole thing works.  I pick up my cell phone and call my uncreative Google Voice number - and hot damn, my home phone rings!  When I answer it there is an officious sounding robotic voice telling me "Call from iamsurly.  To accept press 1.  To send to voice mail press2."  Since I have no interest in talking to myself - I send it to voice mail.   Next thing I know I've got an email from my voice mail telling me that I've called myself and left myself a message!  It's like my Id and my Ego may be able to work things out using technology.  I click on the message and not only is there an audio file of my voice mail message, but a written transcript - in case I have any problems understanding myself.  God this is better than therapy!  And free!

 So now it is time to start making personalized voice mail messages.  I can dictate a different voice mail greeting for every person in my life.  I immediately make a very mushy and lame greeting for my husband so he can call it and feel validated any time of the day or night.  Shit this is going to save me having to mollycoddle the poor sod.  Now it is the ultimate marriage counselor!

I've got to start making a list, I've got a lot of voice mail greetings to start recording.

I can make one for my mother that pretends to like her clothes.  "Hi Mom!  Sorry I don't have time to listen to you whine about how I will never give you grandchildren today, but hey, I'm sure you're wearing a super outfit and look really spiffy.  Have a great day."

I can make one for people who hide their caller ID.  "Well hey there, I was hoping you would call because I just wanted to let you know that I'm screwing your spouse and I stole $100 out of your wallet the last time I was in your home.  I've been wanting to tell you this for ages but I'm too afraid of you to say it to your face.  Phew, I feel better now.  Have a great day."

 Hell, I could even leave phone sex voice mails and put my number up on bathroom walls!

The possibilities are endless.  And I can call Guam for cheap.  I don't know anyone there, but I can make all the crank calls I want for mere change.

Wanna give me a call?