I was thinking about this while I was in the shower this morning. The shower, particularly during the rinse cycle, is my thinkin' spot. Great thoughts have been thunk in the midst of the old lather, rinse, repeat process.
So why, you may ask yourself, would I, a confirmed heterosexual, want to switch teams as it were? Well, lots of reasons. First off, I think that most gay people have better taste in clothes than I do. Hello?! Am I the only one watching Queer Eye repeats? Their houses are decorated way better than mine. If I were gay I would so want to be a cross between Tom Felicia and Jeff Lewis.
But really, those are just the superficial reasons. The real lure of being gay is that they have superpowers! No, seriously, they do. I've been reading up on this and as far as I can tell they have a whole host of powers that we mere straight folks don't have.
Super Power #1 - The Gay Ray. Did you know that they can make you gay just by being in the same room as you. All ya gotta do is sit in the same classroom, bar, restaurant, or church with 'em and if they give you the Gay Ray Eye - WHAM! You're gay. Talk about power!
Super Power #2 -One Way Ticket To Hell Punch. Did you know that just befriending them can guarantee you a surefire spot in Giant Pizza Oven of Doom for eternity? It's like every gay person has a little bit of the David Tuttera event planning power and is coordinating the universe's greatest after party ever!
Super Power #3 - Supersonic Marriage Destructor Waves. This is one of my favorite powers. Did you know that they can, just by saying "I do," bring down the whole institution of marriage in America? Come on, how can you not be totally jealous of this power? I would love to be able to run around the neighborhood pointing at uppity married folks and shout "I do! Motherfuckers!" and watch their marriages crumble like dust. Okay, okay, so I'm a little vengeful.
Super Power #4 -Throw Good Money After Bad Trance - Just look at how much money they can get the members of the Church of Latter Day Saints to spend on a fruitless cause! When the day comes and there is actually marriage equality, and we all know it will 'cause the Wedding Industry and the Taffeta and Tuille Lobbies are really just too powerful to resist, the LDS is gonna be out of A LOT of cash, and will probably start charging for those bibles that they offer free on TV.
Super Power #5 - Super Powered Smoke Generating Mind Waves. All ya gotta do is take one look at Fred Phelps on any given day and you can see how easily they can make smoke come out of his ears! Hell, I want to go to one of his God Hates Fags rallies just to watch. I'm betting if you got enough gay folks together and they all concentrated, they could totally make his head spin like Linda Blair!
It is this kind of omnipotence that I've been looking for my whole life and to think, all this time it's been just been a rainbow flag away! I want to have superpowers too! I wanna be gay! I would so totally use my powers for good... I promise!