You know we've hit an all time low in our society when I have to start explaining the basic rules of etiquette.  Once I have explained them to you, I hope you will explain them to your children and your elected representatives.

1. When you want something from someone say "Please."

2. When they give you what you want you say "Thank You."

3. If you see someone struggling to juggle their coffee, briefcase, cane, and a heavy glass door, offer to help.  Opening a door to a building for others first is considered polite.  Shoving your way in front of them and let it swing back and hit them in the face is considered rude.

4. Get over the  issues you have about being bald and take your baseball cap off during dinner and other formal occasions.   It isn't going to rain inside, there is no glaring sun to burn your scalp, and we already know you are losing your hair. Please keep your toupee on.

5. When we're in a movie theater, please turn off your cell phone.  If you are so all fired important that you can't be disconnected from the world for 90 minutes, stay home and order Pay Per View.  I am not paying $15 per person to be distracted by your glowing screen and the clickity clack of your texting.

6. If you need to interrupt the person with whom you are speaking or someone in the midst of another conversation say "Excuse me..."  Do not start talking over an existing conversation unless you really need to inform someone that there is a grand piano or anvil about to fall on their head courtesy of Wile E. Coyote.

7. Do not shovel food in your mouth at a meal and then talk with your mouth full.  There is nothing you have to say that is so important, pressing, or witty that requires you to spit bits of food or show your dinner companions your unchewed food.

8. Learn to say "I'm sorry."  If Fonzie can do it, so can you.

9. You can disagree with someone without being disrespectful. Screaming, spitting, heckling, hurling excrement, and waving pistols makes it hard to understand your point.

10. Don't picket the funerals of soldiers holding signs that say "God Hates Fags!" It is rude and  it doesn't even make sense.  If you're going to attend a protest make sure you know why you're there, spell check your signs, and research your position. 

11.  Do not point, stare, mock, or laugh at people who are less fortunate than you.  Obesity, handicaps, disfigurement, etc... are not fodder for your entertainment. If you feel entitled to make fun of someone else to their face, please give me 10 pertinent reasons, in writing with proof substantiated by 3 respected professionals with degrees as to why you are better than that person. What you do in the privacy of your own mind is your business, but when you feel the need to share it with others I want to see you back it up.

12. Unless you are at the dentist or in a contest and using an actual spittoon, please refrain from spitting.

13. If your child is talking to you, please listen to them.  You wanted to have them so it is your responsibility to pay attention to them.  You may not be aware, but others find it annoying when you ignore a 5 minute long chorus of "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

14. Clean up after yourself.  When you dine in a fast food restaurant, please use the trash bins and tray returns.  If you spill food while you are shoveling your burger down your gullet, please wipe it up with a napkin.  

15. Clean up after yourself. When you are using a public restroom please use the paper toilet seat covers.  There is no need to squat and spray urine all over the seat.  If you do, wipe it up.  Do not leave it for the next person.  If you find that you need to use feminine hygiene products, please wrap them in toilet paper and dispose of them in the proper recepticle, which, by the way, isn't the floor or the back of the toilet.   If the plumbing is working properly, please use it and flush the toilet when you are through.

 16. When you attend a public meeting, speech, or rally, respect the person who has the floor.  They may not have your opinion, but they are entitled to the one they have.  If you disagree, raise your hand and wait to be called on or hold your own public meeting, speech, or rally to express your opinion. If you are fortunate enough to gain an audience with the President of the United States respect the office and the job, if not the man. He's in that position because he earned it or at least he got more votes than you.

17. If you've been elected to public office in part on the grounds that you are a gentleman (or gentlewoman or gentle-person) and can behave well and represent your constituents, then act like it at all times.  If your constituents are Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, then this rule is null and void and have at it.

18. When someone does something nice for you, or invites you to dinner or sends you a gift, send them a thank you note or email.

19. When behind the wheel of your car, pay attention to the rules of the road.  If you have forgotten the rules, please consult your local DMV for reading materials and information on driver education.  It is as rude to cut in front of another car as it is to cut in front of someone in line.   Odds are you won't get there any faster, and I hate it when you make me flip you off.

20. Behave yourself.

This should cover the basics, for now.  If you have any questions or would like to learn more about how to behave, I suggest you visit Emily Post's website. 

If you are living in a shelter or planning to move to one soon, I suggest you visit Harry Homeless' A Homeless Guy's Guide to Etiquette.