Remember that episode of Friends when they are sitting around trying to come up with the list of 5 celebrities they can sleep with without upsetting their partner? Chandler chooses: Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and Jessica Rabbit. Rachel lists: Chris O’Donnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson. Ross on the other hand is having trouble completing his list: Elizabeth Hurley, Susan Sarandon, and Isabella Rossellini.
My husband, Dave, and I have had this conversation as I assume most young couples have. Dave has yet to finalize his list, I think largely out of fear that I won't sign off on it after I caught him spending too much time with some Hawaiian Tropic models on a trip a few years back. After one of the models was allegedly caught having sex with a Baldwin brother in an airport first-class lounge, I made it clear that I have veto power over his list.
My list on the other hand is sacrosanct and Dave has no say whatsoever. My list is also fluid as I tend to be fickle and change my mind with some frequency. While it is not easy to get on my list, it doesn't take much to get you knocked off. I'm shallow and judgmental when it comes to who I'm going to sleep with. Get caught wearing socks and sandals by the paparazzi, see ya! Get caught banging the nanny, buh bye. Start dating Paris Hilton, don't even think about coming near me.
Now while it is not really likely that any of the men on my list are going to come calling or make a move on me without coercion, occasionally working in the entertainment industry and living in Los Angeles gives me a closer shot than most. So the list exists, just in case, and is frequently revised. It should also be noted that this is a selfish list, it is all about me. So if the man on my list happens to be gay, well, damn it, if the opportunity presents itself he's just going to have to take one for the team.
Now there are some people who will never make the list. Brad Pitt comes to mind first. I don't know what it is about him, but I just always feel like he could use a long hot shower with an abrasive loofah and a bar of Ivory soap. Tom Cruise is another. Honestly I think he's in desperate need of medication. As a result I don't watch his films, and cringe when women and gay men alike claim how hot he is.
There are some that have been on the list at one time but have done something to guarantee that they will never redeem themselves enough to get back on. David Duchovny, for example. I know, I know sex addiction is a disorder - but really I just can't sleep with someone I know has slept with everyone in town and their gardener. There was a short time when Hugh Grant was on the list, but after the whole hooker debacle he just didn't seem to be quite so suave.
There are others who are alternates that, when the mood strikes, knock someone else off the list for a short while, but don't necessarily have the staying power of a permanent resident. This have included: Giovanni Ribisi, Hugh Laurie, Kenneth Branagh, David Boreanaz, Gary Oldman, Matthew McConaughey, Orlando Bloom, and Patrick Stewart to name a few.
So, knowing who isn't on the list, I bet you're dying to know who is. Well, at the moment the list includes:
Elvis Costello. Elvis has been on the list since it was first created and despite the misstep in judgment I consider his marriage to Diana Krall to be, he'd have to commit a major felony or crime against humanity to get knocked off.
George Clooney. Really, how can he not be? He is the modern day Cary Grant. He's gorgeous, funny, well mannered, cavalier, chivalrous, sexy, rich, and he's got a villa in Italy.
John Cusack. John's another long-timer on the list. Although I've not really enjoyed any of his films since High Fidelity and so there is the distinct possibility that he could become an alternate in the near future.
Lee Pace. I spent every episode of Pushing Daisies with an unsightly strand of drool hanging from my mouth. I was heartbroken when the canceled the series and I realized we wouldn't be spending one night a week together.
Alan Rickman. While I love him in every role he's ever played, when we hook-up I'm gonna ask him to use his Professor Snape voice to talk dirty to me.
I also have a list of dead celebrities I'm looking forward to sleeping with in the after-life. Some day I will share that with you too. I know you like it when I share.
So now I've show you mine, you show me yours!