It seems that I am continually waging war between my personal quest for self-improvement (screw self-acceptance) and my limited budget. For example my breasts, which seem to have appeared fully formed as a D-cup when I was 10, have met with the effects of gravity. While I have no desire to have implants, 38D is large enough for me and my husband, I wouldn't mind having some kind of surgical under-wire put in place to keep my breasts from getting too personal with my bellybutton. I also wouldn't mind having someone suck a little fat out of my belly, as it doesn't matter how many sit-ups I do, there's still a roll of fat hiding my six-pack abs; and well heck while they are at it, smoothing out those ripples in my thighs would be a nice gesture. However, even the cheap places that advertise beauty surgeries on billboards and television at 3:00AM, cost more than I have on hand as ready cash.
Over the last few weeks I have been gearing up for a 3 week stint in Jamaica. No, not really a vacation. I get a few days off to lay by the pool, but it is a job that I'm going on. The job itself is nothing exciting - I will be on the production team for a celebrity charity event that will eventually become a TV program. However, it is the actual weekend long celebrity charity event that I dread the most. Why you ask? I mean I get to spend a whole weekend with more celebrities than most people will ever get to meet in their lifetime, could there be anything cooler? Problem is that I see it as being the only middle-aged fat girl trapped on an island with over 100 Size 00 Glamour Girls. Can you say nightmare?!
So, in order to get myself ready for this self-esteem torture fest I've been shopping online and on TV for as many beauty bargains and tools as my paltry budget can afford. Who needs all those fancy $600 face creams and weeks of surgical recovery if you've got the internet and $19.95 plus shipping and handling? (I will take the Vicodin and Demerol prescriptions though, thank you very much!)
First I'm starting with the Hollywood Diet which claims that I can lose 10 pounds in 48 hours. Seems that if I eat nothing and just drink 4 ounces of this magic elixir 4 times a day I can be 10 pounds closer to the much desired turtleneck bathing suit I've been coveting for the last decade. Click and add to my shopping cart!
Now you're all aware that I've had a lifelong struggle with my hair. One of my secret dreams has always been to have long hair. I've never managed to get my hair much longer than just below my shoulders without the help of a Paris Hilton endorsed weave. But looky here! Hair Plus Shampoo says I can grow my hair in a month! Click and add to my shopping cart!
One of my biggest fears is that I will develop, through no fault of my own or Nabisco's, more than one chin. I figure that since I spend hours in the gym each week lifting weights to try and keep my triceps from waving at every person I meet, there's absolutely no reason not to put my chin(s) through the same workout routine. The Neckline Slimmer promises to help in just two minutes a day! Click and add to my shopping cart!
Since I started losing my eyebrows I've not had much use for my tweezers, except to pull the odd hair from my chin(s). However, who could pass up the Lily Hair Remover! It's got advanced technology - it shoots dry safe radio technology at the root of the hair, whatever that means. But the real reason I need it is that I want to make sure, in the event some random hair appears on my chest, that I can zap that sucker at the root before anyone catches a glimpse and starts calling me names! Can you imagine the mocking stares I would receive from the Size 00 Glamour Girls? Click and add to my shopping cart!
As I said, I can't afford a medical intervention for the downward spiral my breasts are on, so I need to rely on bras and other handy contraptions to keep them aloft. The D'Eva adhesive bra promises that if I slap the rubbery space age material on my tits it will keep them hoisted up and in position - without straps! It's a miracle of science! Click and add to my shopping cart!
But I'm a girl who likes options and fancy silk lingerie. Okay, well I can't afford fancy silk lingerie, but I get some pretty nice polyester pieces at Target in all kinds of fancy patterns. Nevertheless, I am a stickler about the rule that your bra doesn't need to be seen unless you're taking your clothes off for a cabana boy. So this here Strap Perfect gadget looks like quite the deal. Not only will it hide those pesky straps, but it will also pull my saggy fun bags back up towards my chin(s)! For the bargain price I get 9 strap gadgets and 48 pieces of invisible style tape. I have no idea what I will do with the invisible style tape, but hey, it's a gift with purchase and who says no to that? Woo hoo! Click and add to my shopping cart!
I've already divulged to you my tales and travails with shaving and waxing my bikini line. I think I've found the ultimate solution. Jenna's, as in porn diva Jenna Jameson, Hot Trimmer. It comes with stencils so that on holidays and special nights, like the day my husband dreams about when the Dallas Cowboys win the Super Bowl, I can shave my pubic hair into fun shapes - like a star! Click and add to my shopping cart!
And while we're down there, I found this fun little power tool! The 5x Finger Vibe. I'm gonna be on my own in Jamaica for a few weeks until the hubby arrives (he gets to go to the party with the Size 00 Glamour Girls and lay by the pool for a week while I work), so I'm gonna have to take care of my own needs for a while. This little sucker has 5 speeds, 4 "pleasure sleeves", and comes with 4 extra batteries in case I burn through them. Could happen. Click and add to my shopping cart!
Now, I'm not a particularly girlish girl. I don't wear a lot of make-up. In fact the last time I bought make-up was 3 years ago for my wedding. I think I've used it 3 times since then. I'm also a bit of a nail biter. When I first got engaged and everyone I met kept wanting to see my ring I tried getting acrylic nails so as not to continually embarrass myself. They lasted about a week before I yanked them off with my teeth 'cause they kept getting caught on my keyboard and creating typos. However, I am a fanatic for a good pedicure. First off I like to look down and see my toes painted a pretty color, but I love, love, love having my feet rubbed by young Asian women and my middle-aged husband alike. One of the traits of a good pedicure is getting all the scunge off the bottom of your feet. When you go barefoot as often as I do, there's a lot of scunge to be gettin' off. This is where the PedEgg comes in handy. It's like a cheese grater for your feet. Just don't look in the trash when you empty it out. That will turn you off Parmesan cheese for a few months. Click and add to my shopping cart!
The fine folks that invented the PedEgg have come up with yet another ingenious invention to make sure that your feet are as pretty as can be. Better yet, when you're as fat as I am and have trouble bending over the rolls to reach your toes, this handy tool can reach them for you! I have absolutely no idea what all the fabulous attachments that come with the Pedi Pistol do, but I can't wait to find out. It's like a Dremel for feet! I wonder if I can carve a pumpkin with it for Halloween? Click and add to my shopping cart!
Now the question is... can I get all of this in my luggage?
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Comments
send me one of those pleasure sleeves. you don't need all four. and i gotta know what one of those looks like.
thank the goddess for you on monday mornings.
btw: go buy a bigger suitcase with all that money you saved.
Very funny stuff again...thanks for the giggle.
Nothing will deflate, ignite or fail to move at the appropriate moments. That's gotta be a plus!
Just leave the gizmos at home, let the fun-bags hang, and watch the celeb's makeup melting off in the heat.
ps: i hope your husband never gets to see that star in this lifetime.
From all of us 32As: Bite Me! ;)
Buffy - I could totally see you in Groucho Marx glasses and nose.
John - Lonnie called your bluff. You'll need to pay up.
Nikki - I'm only real until I can afford to be a fembot.
Nora - I will see if I can sneak you some photos of melting faces :)
Rice paddie - I think it requires a 3rd party.
Lonnie - My husband says "bite me buddy!"
Safe_Bet - Bitter? Party of one?
mamoore - If you come to the spa for Halloween we can do pedicures and pumpkins at the same time!
But seriously, laughed out loud a few times.
You know what would happen if I slapped that adhesive "bra" on my chest?
It'd disappear, that's what. Trapped between the ribcage and the bottoms of pendulous, droopy girls.
Thanks, Surly, and enjoy Jamaica! I can't wait to read the celebrity gossip when you get back.
For anyone out there who would like to take off a few extra pounds, I highly recommend going straight to your nearest university, enrolling yourself full-time, coughing up your last dime for tuition, and you will as sure sunshine watch yourself starve. ;)
Even now that I am a micro petite small, men still think I'm invisible. :) Help!!! My mother used to tell me, "Some girls are pretty and others are smart. You, my dear, were spared from both."
Hope
those stencils though...gotta get me some of those :D
I just bought new face cream from the 30s section of one of said special issue, so I can relate. Will it work? Who cares if it makes me feel like I am taking a stand against aging gracefully?
-Nikki-
rated
Rated!
Ps, that "Jenna trimmer" thing is JUNK! Just an FYI! lol
signed, speechless in OZ
But I will confess the fact that so much of this positivity is coming from your credit card information sent over the internets tubing is rather dicey. However I digress. Keep it positive!!
I like the little fingerfucky thingy. beware, though because it looks like five minutes in, and you'll be smelling hot wires and hearing odd distracting noises, probably at the most critical moments. Keep it on low and give it rest periods and you should be okay.
The ped egg will slice your tootsies to shit. You have to know when to stop. It works well if you have a couple of inches of brick hard callous to deal with, but most of us only have little bits and hard lumps that will just as easily scrape off after your feet come out of the shower.
So be careful surlygirl. This is no time for bloody footprints around the pool detracting from your cougarness.
I'll bet my daughter has purchased every single item (except for the boob-builders -- she, like you, has never needed help in THAT department).
Makes me sick to think of all the wasted energy, resources, money and time people spend on this kind of crap.
Oh, but good post -- liked the tweezers good for chin hair line. I think that's why our eyesight starts going downhill about the time we start growing hairs in weird places. We can't see them so they don't really bother US -- just the people who have to try and carry on a conversation while not staring at the one stray hair growing on our chin.
RRRRRATED! for fun(ny)bags.
AS SEEN ON TV!!! :)
I would be going crazy if I was in your shoes. I have enough fashion sense to know what I should look like, but not enough to know how to do it on a budget. So I don't.
Good luck!
"Me? gosh no, I don't believe that would ever work for me. The makers must think we're all a bunch of silly vain people to fall for that one! But can you show me where you keep your ped-eggs? "
Funny post, Iamsurly!
#1 - SLEEP - 7-8 hours a night - works wonders for the appearance and attitude.
#2 - THINK beautiful thoughts. It starts from your inners and works it's way to the outside.
#3 - TREAT yourself to one, really just one, spray on tan - yes, the kind where you get all nakie and have a pro spray your entire body, 2 days before your trip! This is magical and runs you about $50 bucks. I can't get much sun so this works great and you leave with a tan that lasts for 7-10 days! All natural ingredients; no chemicals!
#4 - VASELINE for the feet, elbows or any extra dry skin spots. Every night at bed time, rub in a generous amount of this tried and true petroleum jelly to your heels and balls of your feet, toes, the whole enchilada! My pedicurist told me this and it works like a charm! And after every shower, moisturize your entire body, religiously! Don't need expensive lotions or creams. Drug store varieties work just as well. And the "clubs" sell gigantic sizes and sets that are very affordable and go a long, long way.
#5 - BLACK mascara (love Loreal and it's only $7.99) and is a beauty must.
#6 - RED lipstick or lop gloss, or some semblance thereof...with sun screen, of course...looks fabulous and goes with everything. Can be reddish, but let your lips look full of color...looks great with that tan!
Oh, I could go on, but we're way over $20 bucks here, however, still on a reasonable budget!
Have a blast on your vacation!
it's like barbie stuff for grown-ups. plastic surgery with just plastic, but no surgery. :-)
I don't have enough time to use all those products, so I will have to go as myself this Halloween..
Rated.
great read, very funny! thanks!
your rating through the stratosphere.
(Yeah Trig, that's it. That's why surly got 60 ratings, EP and cover... because of your link douchebag)
(It DOES manage to make the need for all those other things obsolete...)
Rated and I hope you have a dreamy time. Maybe you won't need the batteries!
Rated
http://www.cuchini.com/
If you're not familiar with this product, you must check it out. The song will have you crying.
Funny - I can't find the surly in your posts.
Thanks.
Why can't they do the same with breast implants?
Makes ya wonder....
Try Ojon Restorative Treatment on your hair. It does wonders if you want to grow it long. I swear by it!
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P93511&shouldPaginate=true&categoryId=5787
Enjoy your trip. :)
I am quite sure many a senior thesis was completed with less effort than you put in to create this post! Wow! (Rated)
BTW: Consider bringing back something from Jamaica instead of packing a bunch of things to take with you. I understand there is at least ONE product for which Jamaica is famous, and it might make you forget about the underweight, over-posed celebs. ;-)