Nothing says the holidays to me like a little Burl Ives singing "Silver and Gold" while narrating Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I live for my annual trip to the Island of Misfit Toys.  Every holiday I wait patiently to hear Yukon Cornelius exclaim "Bumbles bounce!" To me Christmas isn't Christmas without some Rankin/Bass stop motion animation. Who can truly appreciate the story of Kris Kringle and Santa Claus is Coming to Town if it doesn't include a musical number by Burgermeister Meisterburger?  This, and a bottle of wine, is pretty much all it takes to put me in a festive holiday frame of mind.

However, this year my trip down memory lane was interrupted, and my holiday cheer derailed by a commercial for what I can only describe as the ultimate misfit toy, Baby Alive.  Now I know that variations of this hellish creature have existed over the years.  I vaguely remember my nieces having one that could suck on a bottle like a hooker in a hurry and then wet it's diapers, and I recall be faintly disgusted by it.  The current version makes that look like a cuddly toy even the child hating likes of me wouldn't mind getting for Christmas.

 This horrible creature not only drinks a bottle, but it eats food, and when it is done it takes a foul smelling crap and proudly announces "Mommy I've made a stinkie!" (click link for video) I'm sure a few of you who have young children are familiar with this Satanic play toy, but for people like me whose exposure to the wonders of childhood are somewhat limited this is a new and fresh assault on our finer sensibilities.   Watching it I couldn't even begin to imagine, and was grateful that the commercials don't show me, what exactly the doll produces after eating the brown looking concoction they are feeding her. What in the hell are people thinking?  What marketing genius conceived of this plastic battery operated demon?  What parent wants to spend hard earned dollars on a doll whose primary function is to take a crap?  Don't children do enough of that on their own? How much do you have to spend to keep this beast in diapers?

However my naivete was not to last. In my quest to understand this possessed piece of plastic I uncovered this enterprising pair of children who have made a video to show you how Baby Alive works (their parents must be so proud.)  Watching this I found myself comparing the doll to Anna Nicole Smith in a Methadone haze begging someone for a hit of Trimspa with a Oxycontin chaser.  And that right there is just the role model I want for my nieces to grow up with.

 You think I mock? Compare and contrast my friends.

 No, really.

Seriously, from me to you... have a holly jolly Christmas.