I'm a snob.  I'm not too proud to admit that. I like nice things, and I like them to be real.  Give me diamonds, not Cubic Zirconia. Give me chocolate, not carob. There are only a few items where I make allowances. First is processed cheese ( I love Velveeta); second is Miracle Whip (I hate mayo); and third is silver plate. Don't look at me like that. You'd be a fool to turn your nose up at an Old Sheffield plate serving tray.  You'd also be a fool to dip it in Tarn-X to polish it up.

Kim Richards

When I was about nine I took to ordering make-up kits out of the back of Seventeen magazine.  These cases would have dozens of shades of eyeshadow, lipstick samples in hideous shades of pink and coral, and cream blush sticks.  They would also come with a "gift with purchase."  Usually it was a piece of jewelry.  Once I got this fabulous silver plated butterfly necklace that I treasured.  Around this same time I was going through a rather rough emotional patch. As a result, I had become a wee bit obsessed with Escape to Witch Mountain, and had decided that Kim Richards (the child actress) had a better life than I did, and I wanted to be her.  My mother, who quickly got tired of hearing about Kim, had my grandfather pull a few strings and make a few phone calls so that I could meet Kim and hopefully get this obsession out of my system.  You can just imagine how over the moon I was.

(Not this one, but you get the idea)

I got all dressed up and we went to lunch at the commissary at the Disney Studio.  Kim, who would grow up to be Paris Hilton's aunt, was very sweet and patient with me. After much hemming and hawing, I presented her with my prized electroplated silver butterfly necklace, which she graciously accepted.  She was a good little actress after all.  This was the moment where my relationship with Kim peaked and probably should have ended.  In the weeks and months to come, I was to be invited to her home for the weekend and a birthday party on the studio backlot.  This was a dream come true for any star-crazed child and I was in heaven.  Until my mother overheard the  stage-mothers at the birthday party talking about how their children (all child actors) had to be nice to me as it would be beneficial to their careers with Disney. At that moment I would have liked to snatch back my precious butterfly necklace, but alas I was raised better.  This was my first lesson in how Hollywood can tarnish the pretty and the shiny, and you'd be a fool to dip them in Tarn-X either.