Okay, so like, when I'm on the treadmill at the gym I'm usually watching TV or listening to a book on my iPhone to distract myself.  I'm on the damn thing for my health, not 'cause it's a good time, and if I'm not distracted I'll start counting my steps like I've got OCD.  Anyway, I was watching one of those intellectual programmes on E!. Something about the Kardashian sisters or the ex-wife of a hip hop star, I can't remember, but it was slightly nauseating and totally mind numbing.  One of these celebutantes was talking about what they believe in 'cause you know they're all Jack Handy deep and shit.

Anyway, this got me thinking about the whole idea of belief.  My cousin Gina has "JST BELIV" on her personalized license plate, and the sentiment is in the signature of all of her emails.  In Gina's case there's actually nothing she doesn't believe in. Trust me, if it's got a workshop and a system of belief, she's read the book or been to the meeting.  She's a spiritual dabbler.  She's got a library full of books on the Kabbalah (I think for a while she even she wore one of those fuckin' red yarn bracelets so popular with Madonna and Britney Spears), Wicca, Catholic Catechism, Hinduism, and the principles of Hare Krishna.  (We're all grateful she's never gotten it stuck in her head to hang out in airports in her pajamas.) She's studied meditation, Reiki, tarot cards, palm reading, and I think she can find oil and water without divination rods.  And while Gina and I have been best friends our entire lives and have shared a number of passions and secrets over the years, the notion of belief is where we are at complete odds.

While Gina is always eager to find something new to believe, I'm always skeptical of anything that includes the words spiritual, divinity (unless it's fudge), holy, or faith.  Actually faith more than belief, is the crux of the issue.  I don't really have the capacity for faith, blind or nearsighted.

Now, this is not to say that I don't believe in anything.  I do, I have some basic core beliefs that get me through each and every day with a minimal amount of scaring, and to date, without killing anyone.  Here's a smattering of that which I do believe:

1. No matter how many diets I go on, pills I take, or surgeries I have, I will never be a supermodel. Nor will I grow the much needed 3 inches I need to give the impression of being supermodel thin at my goal weight, which I will never reach.

2. There is a limit to the wonders you can achieve with bacon. Ice cream and covering it in chocolate are wrong.  (And while we're on the subject of pork - I don't care what Dr. Atkins suggested, pork rinds are not edible.) 

3.  Unless I continue to dose my husband's food, he will one day wake up and realize he's made a grave error by marrying me.  He may not be able to do anything about it, but he will realize his mother was right to be suspicious of me.

4. Foot massages, more so than cleanliness, are next to godliness.

5. Dogs are a better judge of character than Congress or Elizabeth Taylor.

6. I will someday meet Elvis Costello, and he will realize that we are star crossed lovers, and will write an updated version of Barry Manilow's Mandy in my honor.  (I'll autograph your copy for $5.)

7. Before I am 50 I will have experimented with peel-n-stick eyebrows, Hair Club for Men, and had plugs put in. 

8. I am smarter than your average bear.  I would be an overachiever if I wasn't inherently lazy.

9. It is okay for some people to bite their toenails.  If you're that limber and your feet are clean, I say go for it.

10. The 5 second rule.

11.  It's my body and therefore my problem and my business.  I can do with it, dress it, and desecrate it as I see fit. You don't like it, you can bite me.

12. You're entitled to your opinion and more power to you for it.  I'm entitled to think you're a moron and dismiss you out of hand.

13.  People don't fully appreciate Ernest Borgnine.  Am I the only person who watched The Ghost of Flight 401?

14. Samantha never should have married Darren. 

15. When The Rapture comes, David Hasselhoff will be left behind and in charge. 

16. Spandex is a privilege, not a right.

17. The only size a woman should be asked is her shoe size.

18.  Children under 8 are the only ones who should be allowed to wear a baseball cap sideways.

19. I've had all the bad sex I was allotted. 

20. Every life lesson you could ever need is available in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  Including several good reasons not to have children.

Everyone has a right to their own belief system.  For those who want to believe in mine, please send $19.95 via Paypal and in return I will send you a swatch of sacred lint from my dryer, an out of date Bed, Bath and Beyond 20% off certificate, a sock with a hole in it, and an official membership card printed off my computer and signed in crayon.