Well I don't know about the lot of you, but since we found out the other day that Prop 8 isn't one of the things that Joseph Smith successfully pulled out his hat, things have been in a tizzy 'round our place. My sister texted the whole family with "Prop 8 overturned!" and with the exception of my mother, we all cheered with glee. My mother asked - "Is that good or bad?" My mother, bless her, is ready to be on the right side, you just have to tell her which one it is. But she's up to speed now, and we're rushin' to coordinate the wedding of the decade in short order. (Chelsea Clinton and her $3 million dollar fancy affair can fuck right off with herself, I tell you what.)
See, we want to be ready to go when the judges start lifting stays, outlawing bigotry, and takin' the American Family Association down a peg or two. We've got a bit of a urgency here on our end. Since last we talked on the subject of my sister's nuptials, my sister-in-law-to-be, Elizabeth, went and got herself knocked up. Not for nothing, but I do think it has something to do with the silver plated turkey baster I gave them for Christmas. But do you think they'd name the first born after me? Gah. Get on with you.
However, you know me, I'm a team player, and despite the ungrateful refusal to name the heir apparent to the family dynasty after her eldest and most revered sister, I'm all over helping plan the wedding. Now, for those of you who are just joining us, you should take a moment to review my previous proposals: Plan A and Plan B, before diving in. We'll wait for you to catch up. I promise.
Now, I don't know about you, but I think my first two plans are kinda hard to beat, and personally, I'm a bit partial to square dancing at a wedding, so I'm hoping we can still work that in somewhere. So, to start this process off, I decided to do a little research. You ever put "Shotgun Wedding" into the Google search box? You get some real interesting results. Most of which ain't applicable, but are a heck of a lot of fun.
Sorry, we got a little off track there. But not too far. I thought I'd start with the basics. Finding Terese and Elizabeth a little something to wear on the big day seemed a reasonable first task. Now Elizabeth is a wisp of a thing to begin with, and while I've not seen her pregnant, my suspicion is that she still weighs about 98lbs soaking wet. Which means we have a fair bit of flexibility in picking out a dress, all the same, we do have to take the "bump", as all the cool kids are calling it, into account. After hours of perusing the best of the maternity wedding dresses the internet has to offer an old fashioned girl like our mother-to-be, I've come up with a couple of winners. (No pressure or anything, but I'm lovin' the Anne Boleyn number.)
Now my sister Terese and I have very similar fashion tastes, and I'm thinking that she might like to follow in my footsteps and wear a more colourful wedding dress like I did. I wore a lovely shade of periwinkle, largely because I knew no one was gonna buy it if I wore white. So, if I can get my way and get Elizabeth into the "Off With Her Head Gown" then Terese would look smashing in this colourful ensemble. I know, it's gobsmacking right?
Now, I can't say I'm wasn't tempted at this stage of the planning to scream "Medieval Times!" and call it done. Unfortunately Elizabeth's one of those damn vegetarians, which would invariably get in the way of everyone enjoying their giant turkey legs. Oh well, there's always my next vow renewal with Dave. Hope springs eternal and all that.
See, now when you're planning a shotgun wedding that's pending a landmark legal decision, you've got the additional problem of trying to find the right location that will be available at the spur of the moment. This morning on the Today show they were talking about how people are having their weddings in the darnedest places nowadays. The shoe aisle at TJ Maxx and amongst the tools in Home Depot if you imagine that! And then wham! It hits me. If we rent ourselves an RV we can put on this dog and pony show any time and anywhere, including the parking lot at city hall or the county hospital - depends upon which breaks first, the will of the Mormons or Elizabeth's water! Damn if I ain't a genius when it comes to thinkin' on my feet.
Things are coming together if I do say so myself. Now, all I need to do is focus on the food. Can anyone say TAILGATE PARTY?! Work with me people, I'm on a roll here. Think of it: break out the grill, throw on some hot dogs and burgers, tap a keg; heck I'll even make a rainbow assortment of Jell-o shots! Now, for the pièce de résistance: the cake. This beauty is made of lovely and tasty Twinkies , and best of all is that it will double as a baby shower cake. This party is totally turning into a two-fer-one special theme. (I am available for hire, FYI.)
Are you with me people? Third time's a charm, am I right or am I right?