Well looky here, it's already Valentine's day. Could have poked my eye out with a stick before I'd have noticed, except for the fact that there's been all that pink and red wrapped candy and over-sized gift cards at the front of every store I've entered since all the Christmas decorations were confined to the clearance rack.

Now, in case it's not dawned on you, I'm not a mushy romantic type girl. While I won't say no to a 3lb box of See's Candies Dark Chocolate Nuts and Chews on Valentine's day, you don't need to buy me a present to get me to sleep with you one day a year. I'm good like that. However, gifts are always welcome, don't get me wrong.

The issue really is figuring out what is the best and most appropriate gift to give on the big day. Five years back Dave gave me what he thought was a great gag gift and the poor bastard wound up engaged before we finished off the first bottle of Cold Duck. Keep in mind gentlemen, you bring a ring to the party - even a cheap ass Mystic Fire Topaz one from Target - you're committed. It's very important to shop wisely, and I'm here to help.

Now, I don't know what it is with people giving stuffed animals to grown adults as a token of love and affection. Great idea for your 8 year old niece, but give that to a woman old enough to buy her own liquor and cigarettes and you're just asking to be thought of as a total pussy, and odds are you'll be getting pity sex. Anything involving clowns or mimes is out too. You go down that path, and all she's going to be thinking is "How much will I get for the movie rights for my story about surviving a relationship with a serial killer? Will I get to be on Oprah?"

Now there's a whole passel of TV shows, websites, and spam emails that have a number of suggestions to help you make the perfect holiday purchase for your loved one. Don't listen to them. They are all wrong. Like Hoda and Kathie Lee (yeah I don't know why I watch them either) who suggested buying your sweetie a vacuum cleaner. Yeah, no. They also suggested buying a bouquet of underwear. You drop $250 on flowers, they better not smell like Lycra.

Speaking of underwear... Let's be clear, most women do not enjoy being trussed up in some of those ridiculous outfits men seem to find so alluring. First off, unless you're dating a barely legal supermodel (and we all know you're not), consider whether your partner is really well suited for the lingerie you're so desperate to see her don. For example, most women want a crotch in their panties, and a good number of us don't look good with nor want a string wedged up our ass. You want to see my nethers unclad? Then just ask me to take off my knickers. I'm good like that. I can tell you right here, no one wants to see a middle aged woman with her stretch marks and sagging breasts in an outfit better suited to a porn star with a meth habit. To be sure, neither Dave nor I wants to have the kind of sex that would result from me donning the outfit pictured above.

Novelty gifts aren't going to get it done either my friend. Nothing says "yeast infection" like slathering dessert foods on my private parts. Nor do I want cheezy fuzzy handcuffs as a subtle hint that you'd like to chain me to the radiator for fun. Don't make me call 911.

Now, I'm not against the odd suggestion and quick peek in the Kama Sutra or The Joy of Sex. I may be old and not quite as limber as I once was, but I like the occasional non-Missionary position romp in the boudoir. However, if you're gonna buy Mama some lottery tickets, I'd prefer they produce a cash prize. I can get an orgasm on my own anytime, but $100 million bucks is a lot harder to come by.

So now I can tell you're all thinkin' "Gee Surly, this sure is a helpful list of things not to get my gal for Valentine's Day, and I'm a might bit appreciative for it. But, what would you suggest I do get the little woman?" Seriously? I may be here to help, but I'm not here to do the heavy lifting. Figure it out for yourself you lazy bastard.