I remember watching one of those news shows, like 48 Hours or Dateline, where they were talking about a pair of brothers who were being reunited after 50 years or something like that, and the whole time I kept thinking “How does that happen? How do you get estranged from a sibling like that?” The concept seemed so foreign to me. One of those things that only happens to other people and in extreme circumstances. Only, I guess that’s not true, as I am now officially a member of the “Other People.”
You don’t need to know the details, although I know you’d like them. You’re a nosy bunch. It suffices to say that actions have been taken, words have been spoken, legal documents have been filed, and government agencies have intervened, and in the end, I’m down another sister. One more to go and I’m the only child I always wanted to be. You would have thought that when my sister Parrish died, the remaining family would have rallied around each other and formed a tighter bond. For a while, we did. But the aftermath of drama and grief is really only temporary. Life resumes, old resentments return. Sibling rivalries never die.
When we were younger, my sister Parrish and I went through phases where we wouldn’t speak to each other. We fought like professionals. She broke my arm when we were kids. I laid in wait for several years to return the favour. We stole each other’s clothes and drugs in high school. We called each other names. We blamed the pile of unwashed dishes in the sink on each other. We had divergent life philosophies. She honoured Timothy Leary and Jerry Garcia, I worshipped Elvis Costello and Giorgio Armani. Eventually the animosity stopped. We grew up. We mocked each other teasingly, and we were friends the day she died.
Now, my youngest sister and I are at odds. Only things have gone too far for us to ever go back. The friction between us, between her and the rest of our nuclear family, has rubbed things so raw you can see bone. Things have been said. Heinous accusations have been made. Lawyers have been hired. Wills have been changed. Actions have been taken from which there is no foreseeable recovery. It’s not just a spat. It’s not just a sibling rivalry any more. It’s no longer kids teasing each other. It’s not repairable. Along the way something broke. The fracture was almost audible when it happened, like the snapping of bone or the sharp crack of a wind-shield when it is hit with a skull. And there is no cast or crazy glue to repair it. Other people have been hurt, and the field of debris is so wide it’s like someone set off an IED at a family gathering and everyone has a piece of shrapnel sticking out of their body.
So, how to go forward? Once the lawyers are out of the way and the government agencies have laid down their rulings, how does one proceed? It is possible that my mother and my other sister Reese will find a way to forgive in the future. They are better and less bitter people by nature than I. But for me, there will be no happy family holiday parties with all my kin around. There will be awkward family traditions acted out short one member of the cast. There will be events that Dave and I do not attend. I will not see my nieces and nephews graduate from school or get married. I will not be on the invite list, but I will send a gift. There will be whispered conversations wondering “What happened? How did things get to this point?” There will be people, like you, thinking to themselves “This only happens to other people.” I guess you can add to your list of cocktail gossip tid bits that you actually know “The Other People.” Congratulations.
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Comments
Maybe it's true what they say... absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I hope somewhere along the line, things cool down.
R
"...cannot be fixed..."
Implies a state of 'brokenness' that is by far and away almost always illusionary, and subjective.
Talking to the aunts and uncles later, it was clear they missed us as much as we missed them and we were left wondering why nobody made an effort to keep up with us despite our father being Mr. Hyde. Apparently they were frightened he'd blame my mother and further increase the joy that was abounding at our house.
Point being--- try to stay in touch with the nieces and nephews. Aunts are important.
I am, last time I looked anyway still disowned (out of the will, out of the heart) by my lunatic father. He's the one missing out on two marvelous grandsons, who I refuse to shield from his rotten behavior by telling them "it's just his way" or "you know how grandpa is, he loves you , really he does". Grandpa is a bastard and they figured that out on their own. Kids do.
& what kurt v's uncle said : 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'
& what kim g says : 'We are here to work.'
I cut off ties w/some SERIOUSLY f**cked-up siblings upon our parents' deaths. It was the only way I knew of to save my sanity. Since then, I have to say that life is far more peaceful, and it's so b/c none of them are around me. Nor do I plan to change that any time now or later.
To those who've never trodden this difficult path: keep your pity and/or advice. If forgiveness is impossible, and sometimes it is, then acceptance is the next best thing, coupled w/avoidance to walk away from "raising the dead" to the point of pointless repetition. So, don't judge and just keep it to yerselves, thank you.
Remember that sometimes abuse is abuse, and blood doesn't get a pass either.
Chin up. 2032 is just around the corner.
Don't underestimate the power of a cute kid to solve problems. Grandmas yearn to be grandmas, and so on. If you could arrange for her to have a little of kittens, then I'd say a reunion is a certainty, but I'm no endorsing freaky genetic experiments...you might hurt the kitties, and I can't have that on my conscious.
My solution to my family problems was to move first 100 miles away, then as far as 1,500 to 2,000 miles away. I haven't lived in my home town since I was 19, almost 40 years ago. Yes, there are times when it gets lonely, since there are many family members I am quite close to, but when I think about moving back and dealing with certain other family members on a day-to-day basis, I know I made the right decision - one of the few good decisions I made at age 19.
My experience is that something minor can pretty much do in a family relationship if people are scattered across the country. In which case it tends to be non traumatic. But after enough years and miles it is just as isolating.
I just went through something minor -- and came to the realization that a close relative is living in a different world. And this my sensibilities are just as bizarre to him as vice versa.
A wakeup call.
Still, you should do whatever the fuck you want. And not limit yourself based on any matter of principle. Life tends to be more fluid than anyone expects.
One door shuts, another opens. Etc.
Just random thoughts. You obviously know your situation, your mind, etc. And seem to have more than enough insight to figure things out without input from me.
And proceed one day at a time. After all, that's all we get, isn't it?
I'd like to say that I extended the olive branch on my own volition. That would be untrue. I did so after listening to a friend tell his story, a number of times, about the brother he lost in Vietnam and how he misses him everyday, so many years later. He concludes his story each time by expressing the bewilderment of how siblings can carry such animosity toward one another, that they stop being siblings altogether.
I agree. Family and friends are all we have and that matter most. I believe that today.
Family breakups happen, and I'm sorry this rift has opened between you and your sister.
rated
I am so sorry to hear that, and that you're hurting. I know how challenging these circumstances can be.
Chin up, Surly, and keep moving forward.
but it's sad to read you're suffering a loss. losing love is a big loss. and family have a way of getting under our skins permanently.
I guess too many of us have family members, close family we grew up with that are enemies, or on a list of people we hope 1) we'll never see again, or 2) will get some professional help so we can see them again. I'm big on therapy, especially for loved ones. I have a brother, a meth addict I haven't seen in close to thirty years. he threatened my life, he terrorized and harassed my kids, my son's mother in law too. but still...I hope maybe some day, maybe when we're old, we might see each other and put it all aside. maybe his brain will have healed a little. maybe I won't care.
any chance you and your sister might...oh I don't know...find a therapist and push some shit around in the future? now isn't good. whatever it is is too fresh and hot, and there's too much bad blood. but maybe in a couple of years when you're both missing each other, just a little.
it sucks to lose someone when they're still around, breathing and living and somewhere in them, being the person you have loved. I think to myself, where there's life, there's always hope. I hope you guys find each other again.