Here is what many of you wonderful women don't now about your male counterparts. We are a mostly lonely lot. You gals have your group of friends. You talk on the phone all the time, have get togethers and discuss your feelings. Men? We rarely talk with one another about things of the heart. We mostly enjoy activities and may mention a thing here or there while playing cards, fishing, golfing, or watching sports. But most of it is pretty frivolous stuff and for the most part we like it that way. But the backlash is we suffer in silence. Why is that?

 It all starts young and we all know the story. Little boys are told not to be a “cry baby”, the ultimate insult to a young boy and inadvertently we learn to bury our feelings. We become physical beings and feelings are not often considered. We learn to be “problem solvers” which drives you woman nuts. You talk out your pain and frustrations and are not always concerned at the most effective way to fix things. This works well for you and with your friends but is often less successful with your males.

We are simple Simons. If the car isn't running, then fix it is our logical answer. We translate this to if you are unhappy about something simply fix it. We are taught that men need to take action and that “talk is cheap” It took me years to become a good listener after I was taught that the talking was a release valve not simple dissatisfaction or complaining. But still, if you want to plant fear in your husband or lover and absolutely ruin his entire day it is simple, just say this as he leaves the house: “We need to talk.” This translates to most males as this: “Oh, no, NOW what in the fuck is she unhappy about? What did I do or not do? Did I forget something? Basically, it means trouble. Most men would happily and voluntarily put their dick in a boiling vat of olive oil or in a workbench vise rather than go through a “We Need to Talk” session. I am not defending this at all, in fact, I think it makes for problems. Like this one.

 Frank is totally depressed and doesn't even know it. He hates his high paying job and feels trapped but can't really identify why that is. He really thinks he is wasting his life and many days are just miserable. “It seems I have to keep doing things I don't like or believe in and have become someone I really don't like.” But he does the work, gets the paycheck and lives for the things he really likes, be it football on television, laughing on the golf course, getting his fishing boat in the water, planning his hunting trip or working in his workshop. He lives for vacations, and playing around with his children or adult boys. He may be near suicidal because he can't see his kids after a recent divorce but if he mentions more than two or three sentences of this to his buddies, a joke is made or another drink is ordered. They'll say stuff like, "Been getting any strange ass?" Do this sharing attempts  many times and  buddies fast become ex-buddies. Nobody wants to listen to a sad story all the time. We long to play and talk interferes and ruins the play. In short, become a “navel gazer” and be ostracized and the butt of jokes.

 There is this hidden kind of male/female old school mafia we are all a part of in some form where adherence to traditional roles is enforced. Success is what we are told in a thousand ways is what is important over all things. Unfortunately, the behaviors and attitude at work that most lead to “success” do not often translate as successful behaviors for a peaceful open home. There is not a lot of time dedicated to sharing feelings at work. Production and problem solving are admired and rewarded. This can become known as “insensitive” at home if duplicated. And look how the male is protrayed in movies and television. He is often the bumbling, dolt when dealing with housework or caring for kids. So, if you are a male and interested in such things watch out and have a thick skin.

 I violated a gender role taboo when my son and I moved in with my mother for the last six years of her life. I got numerous comments and “jokes” about living with my mother and lost a friend I had known since pre-school when he said this to me drunk: “The only way your poor ol' mom is going ever get rid of you and your son is when she dies!” He thought this funny. I thought it was a good time to help him get to sleep early. I guess he had forgotten that my poor ol' mom had been attacked by a teenage boy who tore off most of her clothes and tried to rape her in the middle of the day a few years before Dad died and was petrified to be alone in the big old house. But I was breaking a taboo.

Now, don't get me wrong. I do not think we need more boys who are fully trained in putting the tiolet seat down but don't know how to play catch. I don't want a ton of Jeffrerys or Roberts who talk about things like being lactose intolerant rather than saying they are allergic to milk. You know the kind of kids who like to hang out with adults rather than go outside and play. No,no,no! We just need to coach boys on how to identify and recognize basic feelings and how to deal with them. Skills that will help them release things like women do, with words and at least develop some kind of healthy self-reflection.

 But frankly Scarlet, you don't always give a damn either. You want a strong man, a confident guy, someone who makes you feel safe and protected. And that is okay, this is not a criticism, just some information sharing. We know this on some level and hold back. I have met some very confident women who can and will handle a “sensitive” male, but they are rare.  Just about as rare as a man who can listen. Women are taught to doubt themselves, criticize their own beautiful bodies and worship the youthful look crap. I work in a college town and have this ability to “read” people. I fight the urge to run up to young women and say, “You are just beautiful the way you are.” I never say this as I don't enjoy jail that much but I do think it a lot and it has nothing to do with horny stuff, for you in the crowd who are confirmed smart asses Anyway, many woman are not innerly confident and the last thing they need or want is their main man to have a lack of confidence also. You've seen it happen. Here is one from my life.

 Todd was a all-around good guy. He was a respected teacher, a coach, good at nearly everything and always in trouble with his wife. He felt the need to ask permission to do things, leave the house, hang out with the boys. He was always looking at his watch and was always the first one to head home. He tried to be the modern male. He helped with the wash, did a lot with the kids, and tried to be sensitive. One day, she tells him out of the blue, that she is leaving him for this asshole of a guy who all of us men thought of as a complete jerk. He was egotistical, bombastic, always had to dominate the scene, and relished in being macho. Her reason was that he made her feel “protected”. She apparently took all of Todd's efforts as some form of “weakness” or so it seems. Now there is a problem with this story. It is total and complete bullshit. But it illustrates much of what I am trying to say here.

It took me years to understand this story. The reason I made this initial judgment was because my true feelings were hiding from me well below the surface. I enjoyed them both and always liked her. But this guy was like a brother to me. The real problem I had with the situation was that I was angry at her for hurting my friend. I was also going to miss having her as a friend.  I felt rejected too.   Todd's role was he always sent off confusing signs to her. He never knew how or when to confront her, be his true self, and despite his genuine affection for her and his many good deeds, he came off as a phony.  He came off as lacking confidence.  

I learned why over a game of cribbage one night when he told me about his alcoholic mother and how he had learned to deal with her behavior without every saying anything overt. This happens in families sometimes where there is an active alcoholic. The entire family goes into a blackout themselves. The fall down the stairs or the knocking of pictures off the wall or the nasty, hurtful comments are never acknowledged or discussed. Todd's failed marriage in reality was probably another alcoholic casualty.

 Only a lighter note, many women do not keep secrets well. George confesses he is having trouble with the memories of years of abuse at the hands of his former priest. He and his wife discuss this. There are tears. Two days later he starts receiving single roses in the mail, at work and nearly all his wife's friends, suddenly feel the need to hug him. This makes us a bit gun shy. “Why doesn't he open up more?” Well, maybe it is because he doesn't want to read about his problems in the weekly newspaper!

 I was a young green kid fresh from Idaho that ended up at age 19 in Bellingham Washington's Western Washington University a supreme liberal school and city. I was going to class, a rarity, and two young women my age were behind me. I held open the door and smiled. The second girl grabbed the door from me and said, “What ?You don't think we can open a fucking door by ourselves?” I have been confused ever since. Here is all I know about male/female communications.

One, I don't know much of anything. If I did I would not be attempting to go where Angels Fear to Tread.

Two, men need to be taught to listen more and fight off the tendency to fix their wives or lovers. They are not motor vehicles, boys.

Three, for men understanding women is like a kindergarten kid trying to read and comprehend a textbook on advanced chemistry. We do not have the skills, have mercy!

Four, women need to get free from all the nonsense in the magazines and on television that has to do with appearance. You are all beautiful the way you are and have been fed a huge bowl of bullshit. This causes you much conflict and we don't have any idea how to help. 

Five, we men want you to just like us. We don't know how to confront women. We want to say out of trouble. It is that simple. When you put us under the spotlight and want to talk you need to know that we feel like we just got caught with a nudie mag by our mother. If you want to teach your man to talk, do so like this: “You are not in trouble, and I am not unhappy. I just want your support in getting something off my chest. Yes, we will briefly gaze at your tits after you mention chest but we will listen. Also, do these talks while we are moving. Take a walk, play cards, or a board game or some activity. You do not understand how many times we have been in trouble in our lives and have been put under the spotlight. Notice how much were resemble a dog who is afraid of a rolled up  newspaper during these times.

 And last , right back where I started,we are lonely most of the time even when surrounded by other people. I am getting a headache, this took everything I had.  A  Spud trying to talk about feelings.  See ya, and if I made some sexist remarks or said something that offended you the only thing I can say is : "What do you expect from a simp from a state where the best thing anyone could think to put on the license plates is Famous Potatoes? Have mercy, I am begging you. Please say I'm not in trouble.