God Almighty, I Live in a Stupid State

I realize that headline is not a surprise to those of you who have read many of my posts but I am not talking about my state of mind, smart asses. I am here to tell you about how stupid the state of Idaho is and I will start with an article picked up by the Associated Press just yesterday.

Battery Charges Dropped Against Young Autistic Girl

Sandpoint, Idaho-“Battery charges have dropped against an 8-year old autistic girl who was arrested and handcuffed following an altercation with her teachers that was apparently sparked when they refused to let her attend a school party... The girl has Asperger's Syndrome, a high functioning form of autism. On the day of the altercation, she was wearing a hooded sweatshirt with ears her mother had sewn on the hood so that it resembled the character Otis, an animated cow in the movie, “Barnyard.”

Okay, let me summarize the rest. This major crime of wearing a hooded sweatshirt was cause for her to be isolated in a room by herself as most of the rest of the school celebrated a Christmas party that had been canceled due to the high volume of snow in December. When she complained and tried to leave, the instructor and two aides intervened and physically restrained her which predictably lead to her fighting back. The girl was terrified and panicked. Dick Cvitanich, superintendent for the district told ABC News that police were called because “There was escalating behavior that resulted in what we perceived to be an assault on staff.” He said that it's not typical for the district to call police to deal with an 8-year old, and called the episode the culmination of a series of incidents. Were these big, bad adults afraid this little girl was going to beat them to death with the fake Otis ears? An assault on staff, what about an assault on basic human knowledge? Yes, forget going after the meth labs that are epidemic up there, gotta get to the school where a potential gangster with ears on a sweatshirt is trying to take over the school. Hell, why was Home Land Security  not called?

 I have lived with this for more than half of my life, I escaped for a few years, and believe me things like this are not abnormal in the course of any given year. Here is some more evidence that we are the crown jewels of stupidity.

I was at a banquet my senior year when the governor, a particularly stupid prick from Southern Idaho, which is really Utah north, gave a speech. I almost choked on my fried chicken when this idiot lost his place in his written notes and reread an entire page of his speech. I looked around the room after he finished and couldn't believe that the room actually applauded.

I was a senior and made a major mistake that almost cost my family their entire lives. I was spinning a basketball on my finger during the national anthem before a home game. I was pulled into the principals office which was filled with adults the following Monday and suspended for a week from school and for six games. Six full games of my senior year.

  A southern Idaho state senator was caught red-handed taking bribes and removed from office. His wife ran in his place and breezed to an easy victory in the next election.

Students on school buses like to sing.  We all know that.  You might hear: 99 bottles of beer on the wall but our students are more topical.  After the November election, they sang, Assassinate Obama, in perfect harmony.  The mayor of the Southern Idaho town  where this happened blamed it on the excessive media coverage, a very good Idaho response. 

One of my principals was a simpleton who gave all dipshits a bad name. He was born and raised in Idaho and somehow got a job across the river. He called an emergency meeting after Columbine and informed us of a new building policy. He modeled a new code for us to follow. He stood up in front of us, an experienced group of teachers and did this. I swear I am not lying.

He turned his back and showed us one finger, which meant, I know this person, all is safe. He repeated this so we would be sure to understand. He turned his back again and showed two fingers, which translated- stay with me, as I don't know this person and am going to check it out. Are you getting confused? It is after all quite a complicated system. He turned again and showed us three fingers which meant weapon, and we were to run for help and hustle any students or staff inside to the gym. I guess so the potential terrorist would have the entire school to shoot at all at once.  He paused to see if all of us dummies had comprehended his near CIA code system. He asked, Don, a teacher and coach of over 35 years a comprehension question. “Don, what would you do if you saw a three finger signal. Don answered, “Before or after I checked my pants?” The uproar was not appreciated by our fearless leader.

 I was forced by threats to attend a conference in Idaho for teacher training day. Some older lady, probably about my age now, was presenting some crap, as I drew pictures in my notebook of peckers with hang nooses around their little heads when she made this statement. “In my Home Economics class, we were working on my unit on Advanced Tropical Fruits.....I dropped my pen on the floor. No, I did not just hear that, did I?  I started giggling and knew I was on the verge of getting myself in a bunch of trouble. I ran outside, “Advanced Fucking Tropical Fruits, I spoke aloud. " Let's see, that would mean there had to have been a Beginning Tropical Fruits unit." I got composed and returned to the group, two of my pals gave me odd looks of warning. I did not hear another thing the rest of the day. I did things like this. I made a list of all fruits and divided them into beginning fruits and advanced fruits. I figured bananas, oranges, common green grapes would go in the beginning. I knew kiwi, pomegranates, and definitely kumquats, would be advanced. Grapefruit beginning, Mandarin Oranges, I think would be advanced. My friends did not think my list was at all funny and didn't even get the joke. I left wondering what the final exam must have looked like and if I would have passed.

 A congressman was quoted as saying he had voted against a bill on mental health parity because, “It seems everyone these days is Bi-polar, depressed or has schizophrenia. Yep, only in Idaho.

We are such a sorry state that the only thing anyone can think of to put on  our license plates is the odd and embarrassing, “Famous Potatoes,” We have unbelievable scenery, primitive areas, two of the most beautiful lakes in the world, several huge whitewater free-running rivers, forest teeming with wildlife, clean air. Our neighbor, Washington, grows more potatoes and you don't hear them bragging about it. Don't get me wrong, I love a true Idaho Spud, a Russet-Burbank, fresh out of the oven. Last, that little turd of a candy bar that carries my name is candy B-grade porn. Makes me want to change my name. I apologize to you all for its existence.

Two years ago it became state policy to not advertise the CHIP medical health program for insuring young children. All pamphlets were destroyed. The reason? Too many parents had signed up their kids.

Four of my clients were just informed that their benefits were going to be cut, the worst being a quadriplegic friend who has just had his hours reduced from 30 to 22 starting this month. That means he gets to keep care of himself for one more full day per week. Three others had their benefits reduced, starting this month. I guess the state figured the $700 bucks these guys are living  on each month was just a bit too lavish. It appears this is the way this state and country will pay for Bush's bullshit, on the backs of the most vulnerable.

 Three years ago the cops jumped and tasered a schizophrenic boy while he was in jail. He begged for his medications and they  were denied. He was a tough kid and fought them when all six of them entered his cell and beat him with their batons and tasered him ten times including twice in the head. The results of this “lesson” was his death.  No charges were filed.  So, not all the stupidity is funny.

 But this one is a true classic. Where in this country would you ever hear this conversation? We were out on one of my friends for real cattle ranches, with the campfire blazing and the night sky clear and vivid. I pointed up and said ,"Hey you can see both Venus and Saturn tonight," and pointed them out. Ray Paul, he went by these two names, I never did learn his last name , picked up his huge 6'7 and 325 pound body from the camp chair and announced after downing a half a beer in one gulp :

“There ain't no such thing!”

“What are you talking about Ray Paul? “ one brave soul asked.

“I said, there ain't no such thing!”he repeated with more volume.

“You do believe there are planets up there?” I asked.

“I said THERE AIN'T NO SUCH THING.” and he moved over and got right up in my face.  He was close enough that I was gagged by the combination of his elk steak and beer breath.

“If we had a telescope, I could show you, it's really fun to see. Even with a cheap scope you can see the rings on a clear night way out here.”

Dewey, a big guy himself, got between us and said softly, “So Ray Paul, you don't believe in planets? Do you think we landed a man on the moon?”

“There ain't no such thing. There are only three planets, Heaven, Hell and Earth!  No man went to the moon.

Dewey said, "Well, Ray Paul, they sure got a lot of people fooled then."

"But not me!" and he stomped off to the tent and zipped himself in.  

We all waited for about three minutes in silence, the only sound being the cracking of the wood in the fire, before our howls echoed throughout the hills.

 I survive because I can fish better than most. I also work and have my business in the only partially liberal part of the state in one of the three Idaho counties out of 77 that Obama carried in November. The scenery, the slow pace, and long-time friends keep me here. Politics I stay away from and most know my outlook and tease me about it, which frankly, I enjoy. I am also a profound dummy myself. Watch me try to fix something on any of my wrecks I drive around and you would turn red in embarrassment for me.  I am totally manually illiterate, book smart and life dumb.  The people here are very kind-hearted  but  brainwashed by Fox News and years of anti-government talk.

I needed the release, of writing this after getting the news that we are going to have perhaps the world's largest Super Wal-Mart built here.  It is going to take up 3.5 acres of inside space.  Go ahead, send me a bill for the free therapy I am trying to get here.  I won't pay that either. 

P.S   I forgot our most acknowledged and admired politician: